


Number Twenty-Eight

by Rebelguitargirl2015



Series: Number Twenty–Five [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, College basketball player! Lexa, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fashion Designer!Clarke, G!p Lexa, Hotel Rooms, Jealousy, Lust, Maryland, Mutual Masturbation, New York City, North Carolina, Pining, Reuniting, Slow Burn, Smoking, pregnancies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2020-03-27 04:32:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 42,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19003936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rebelguitargirl2015/pseuds/Rebelguitargirl2015
Summary: The love between them was still there. It took a few times for Clarke and Lexa to realize that. They swore they didn’t think their paths would cross again but love could never keep these two apart for long.ORThe one where Lexa is on her way to becoming a professional basketball player and Clarke is a famous fashion designer.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I strongly recommend you read the first part of this before reading the second part. 
> 
> As most of you know, Duke is a college in North Carolina and while I’m going to be taking a few things from the college like their colors, location, etc. I won’t be using everything from the college. The names of professors, coaches and buildings will be made up into the 100 verse or original characters will be added because this is ultimately an AU about the 100 so I think it would be easier that way. 
> 
> Most of the story will be taking place in the present day. There will be a few flashbacks like one or two big ones and that’ll be it. I’m going to put the date in which the story will be starting, which is THREE YEARS after Lexa has graduated high school. 
> 
> You guys might have a lot of questions after reading the first chapter and I assure you, every single question you might have will be answered throughout this story. I have planned out the majority of this story already and it'll be around 40 or so chapters. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy the second part of Number Twenty–Five! (:
> 
> A huge shoutout to my beta, StormChaser1117, for putting up with me and my various stories!!

 

* * *

 

 

_The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward._

 

—Steve Maraboli

 

* * *

 

 

**Present day: February 27th, 2022**

 

Lexa had endured a lot of pain in her life. Her father left her for another family when she was only five years old. She watched her mother struggle working two jobs to provide her with the best childhood she could offer. She had her heart broken a couple of times and although she literally felt like she was dying, nothing could compare to the pain she was going through right now.

 

She had been hit in the testicles way more times than she could count. It was like basketballs had some sort of magnet on them and people always aimed too low. Lexa had all of her wisdom teeth removed and while she was under Nitrous Oxide, the pain she felt for the next two weeks was unreal.

 

Lexa had only been in love twice in her life. Her first relationship ending abruptly because her girlfriend had to move across the country and the second one… the second one… (Lexa didn’t even want to talk about the second one).

 

Lexa had thought she endured almost all the pain in the world… until now.

 

“Please tell me you are almost done.” Lexa winced as the needle broke through her skin again.

 

“Almost done, Champ.” Larry chuckled by her side. He was a short man, his ginger beard reminding Lexa of a grizzly bear. He had tattoos from his neck all the way down to his legs. He was a nice, bald guy, but Lexa really wished he would hurry up.

 

Lexa’s shirt was bunched up around her breasts as Larry worked against her rib cage. (Why had she chosen this spot again?).

 

“So…” Larry whistled in a slight Irish accent. “You never did quite tell me who the lucky lady was.”

 

It took a minute for Lexa to process that Larry was even talking, but when she had, she wished he would just shut up and finish the tattoo already.

 

When Lexa looked down, she couldn’t see what Larry was doing. It felt like he was moving at a snail’s pace and Lexa could feel every movement of that damn pen.

 

“Seeming as it’s broken, I don’t think it worked out.” Larry added, finishing up the symbol.

 

Lexa didn’t speak for a moment, the pain too strong. She supposed she would rather feel this than the gut wrenching pain she felt every day.

 

Larry took her silence as an answer.

 

“Sorry I asked, Champ.” Larry said quietly.

 

Lexa didn’t say anything. She hoped she wasn’t being rude, but this wasn’t something she wanted to talk about. She just wanted to get it over with. She knew it had been three years, but nothing was stopping her from doing this.

 

It took another five minutes for Larry to finish up. The second the needle was away from Lexa, she breathed easier. She looked down at the black ink, stained red with her blood as Larry moved to clean it up.

 

“All done, Champ.” Larry muttered, as he focused on cleaning the tattoo and Lexa stood there awkwardly.

 

It wasn’t until she turned around and looked in the mirror that she finally processed that she’d just gotten a freakin’ tattoo. The thought made her smile.

 

“Thank you, Larry.” Lexa spoke for the first time since the beginning of the session.

 

“It’ll be 70.95.” Larry said over his shoulder as they walked to the front.

 

“You are one helluva expensive date.”

 

“And don’t you forget it.” Larry cheesed at her as Lexa fished around her bag for the money.

 

“Alright, I’ll see you soon.” Lexa said as she parted ways.

 

“Don’t forget to clean it everyday!” Larry hollered after her as she made her way down the street.

 

She thought the tattoo was going to make her feel lighter. She absolutely loved it, but the weight of it was too much for her to handle.

 

She didn’t know how she was going to play on Sunday. Her ribs ached and Lexa was glad that she had practiced last night instead of tonight.

 

The walk back to campus was a lot longer than anticipated. She couldn’t even pulled her hoodie closer around her because it hurt too much.

 

Lexa had just crossed the street with a few other people, Ontari’s dorm building was in sight and she smiled, relieved at the idea of being almost closer to warmth.

 

When Lexa finally stepped foot onto campus, it was nearing five o’clock. Anya was in class and so was Echo.

 

One thing Lexa had been excited about when she started college was that she could pick what time her classes started. She didn’t have to stay in a building all day with back to back classes. One semester she had taken back to back classes and it was a pain, but Lexa quickly learned that college had more freedom than high school.

 

College was treating her like her own adult and Lexa loved making decisions by herself. She also loved her mother, but she was always fussing over what was best for her. Lexa knew that taking afternoon and night classes were what was best for her, except on the days she had practice. This semester, she had to suffer through taking morning classes in order to get to practice on time in the evenings.

 

Lexa knew once she passed Ontari’s dorm building, she needed to walk a few more blocks until her own. She’d go up and see what Ontari’s was up to, but she really just wanted to lay down.

 

The second Lexa entered her dorm building, a few students trickling by her, her phone started ringing.

 

Lexa groaned when she realized she had to reach into her pocket to get it. Her shirt rubbed awkwardly against her bandage tattoo and Lexa rushed inside to take her shirt off.

 

Once she was free of it, she answered her phone without looking at the caller ID.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hi, honey!” Lexa smiled at her mother’s enthusiasm, even though she had just called her last night.

 

“Hey, mom.”

 

“How are you today? Why do you sound like that?”

 

“Like what?” Lexa asked. She sat down and tried not to wince. (She was being such a baby).

 

“Like you’re constipated,” Indra said bluntly. “You sound constipated. Are you? You need to run out and go get some Pet–“

 

“Mom, I’m not constipated!” Lexa shrieked.

 

“Then what’s–“

 

There was no way Lexa was telling her mom where she’d just been for an hour and a half. Her mom would literally kill her if she knew she had just spent seventy dollars on a tattoo.

 

So Lexa lied. Just like she did whenever she told her mother she was fine. She lied so her mom wouldn’t worry.

 

“I’ve just been practicing a lot. We have another game on Sunday at 2 o'clock. So, make sure you call me before or after the game and not during, mom.” Lexa sounded accusatory, because it had happened more than once.

 

Her mother had a tendency of calling her during her games. She usually had them on Sunday and Wednesday’s. It was a change she had to quickly get used to her first semester here. She was used to having game days on Tuesday’s and Saturday’s. It wasn’t a bad adjustment. It was just like every other adjustment she had to make while away at college.

 

“I wish I could make you a nice hot cup of tea.” Lexa could tell by her tone, that she was pouting. Even after three years, her mother hated that she was so far away for majority of the year.

 

“It’s okay, mom. I’m going to grab dinner with Anya when she gets out of class at seven. I’ll be just fine.” Lexa lied. It was almost like a natural response by now. She hoped her mother didn’t pick up on that.

 

“As long as you eat and get some rest, I won’t worry.”

 

“There’s no need to worry about me.” Lexa said seriously.

 

“I’ll always worry another you. Especially since Cl–“

 

“Mom.” Lexa warned dangerously. She always had the tendency to try to bring her up and Lexa didn’t want to hear it. “Don’t.”

 

“Okay, okay.” Indra backed off. She was the only one who really knew what went on between them a few years ago. Had it not been for Abby opening her mouth about it, Lexa wasn’t sure she would’ve said anything at all.

 

It was a conversation that changed everything for her.

 

(Conversation was more of an understatement. It was like a war between two hotheads and Lexa was afraid she didn’t have any armor on).

 

So, why would she ever want to talk about it?

 

“I hope you have a nice dinner.” Indra said after a minute of uncomfortable silence. “Don’t buy too many desserts.”

 

“I won’t, mom.” Lexa rolled her eyes. “It’s basketball season.”

 

“Sounding just like your father, still.” Indra didn’t sound as resentful as she once did. Lexa didn’t know if they were working on their relationship. She figured they weren’t, but at least her mother was being civil.

 

Lexa laughed into the phone but had to stop abruptly. The movement stung against her ribs.

 

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, honey.”

 

“Bye mom.”

 

“Bye, Lexa.”

 

* * *

 

 

It was always a tradition to stand and look at herself in the mirror before any game. Whether it was regionals or the championship, Lexa stared at the blue and white colors staring back at her. She had three years to get used to her new number.

 

She supposed it wasn’t a bad number, but she was so used to hearing _Number Twenty–five_ , she didn’t realize how much she was going to miss it.

 

But she didn’t miss high school.

 

There was no way she could. She basically smoked her way through high school to forget about all the drama that came with it. People in college were more level–headed and actually wanted to be there. They wanted to make a future for themselves and it started with getting a diploma. So, her peers were a lot more focused than in high school. It was the type of dedication, Lexa wished she had.

 

She hadn’t failed any classes yet, which was amazing for her scholarship, but she had been close a few times. Especially in math. She was never a math person and Anya had to help her every day just to get her to pass. She didn’t understand how well Anya was at math, but she was passing and Lexa was on the cuffs of failing.

 

College was everything Lexa had thought it was be. From seeing things on TV or hearing people back home talk about how important it was. Yes, people were very focused on their studies, but there was also a party almost every night to forget the hardships that being in college brought upon the students.

 

Lexa, in a way, thought college was a bit easier.

  
  
The professors she had clearly knew what they were doing and taught subjects thoroughly. Instead of spending time on a bunch of things at once like she had done in high school, the professors took their time explaining each subject of material to their class.

  
  
Sure, the papers were longer and the reading assignment were boring, but going to college, being here with her friends and making new ones, Lexa felt like it was a breath of fresh air.

  
  
It was what she needed after.... what happened.

  
  
She didn’t tell anyone about it for a long time. She didn’t know how. She was never one for emotions, never one to just open up about things and it was so easy for her to bottle things up and have them explode out on the basketball court.

  
  
Anya figured it out.

  
  
It wasn’t what happened before she left for college. It had happened during the end of her freshman year and she hadn’t spoke about it since.

  
  
Even Anya didn’t know what they had talked about, but she knew Lexa had went to go see her.

  
  
Lexa couldn’t stop herself. There was a magnetic pull she still had on her that had her flying up to New York after she took her last and final exam for her freshman year.

  
  
But she didn’t talk about her anymore after that.

  
  
Because she didn’t exist to her anymore.

  
  
And all those fashion magazines she kept hidden under her bed, she didn’t mention those to anyone.

 

Instead of Lexa being alone, Anya was right behind her. Anya had been there for her a lot these past few years and had it not been for her picking her up when she needed it the most, Lexa didn’t know where she would be.

 

(Probably failing math, ruining her scholarship and being forced to live back at home).

 

Anya had been her safe haven for quite a while now. With starting at a new and much bigger school, not really knowing anyone, having a completely new team and adjusting to a new coach, Anya and Lexa had only grown closer.

 

From what Lexa knew, Anya was still dating Raven. They’ve been in contact almost everyday and Anya seemed happy. Their relationship seemed to be going strong and Lexa was happy for her.

 

“Do you really have to listen to all of _Moonlight Sonata_?” Anya whined, from where she was standing behind Lexa, interrupting her thoughts. “They are going to call us any minute.”

 

All of the players were waiting in the hallway, waiting for the announcer to call them individually.

 

It was tough adjusting to a new coach, but Gustus had been nothing but kind in the three years Lexa had been here. It took some time, (with all of them really). They were all so used to Finn’s awkwardness, that they didn’t think anyone could be more awkward than him.

 

But Gustus was tall. He stood at 6’5 and towered over most of the girls. Lexa was used to being the tallest one of the team; besides Anya. There were two girls taller just by two inches. They’ve built this team for scratch and Gustus had already told her the roster for the next season.

 

Lexa knew it was supposed to be a hushed event, but she had her ways and every single member she worked with now, she would take into the next season and Lexa was _horrified_.

 

She was cool with half the girls on the team, but there was three of them that she just didn’t get along with and it was starting to show.

 

There was a lack of communication and Lexa didn’t like being in the dark about things especially when it came to her basketball team. Lexa was the captain of the Blue Devils, but those girls would run plays without her and the rest of the team, never pass her the ball even though she was the shooting guard. Lexa and her friends were being left out and there wasn’t much she could do about it.

 

“Yes.” Lexa hissed, pulling on her bright blue basketball shoes. Another thing she had to get used to while she was in college. She remembered the worn purple shoes she would wear to every basketball game.

 

These shoes were bright and attractive, it was hard for Lexa to hate them, but they just weren’t _hers_.

 

Even though she’d been on this team for three years, it didn’t feel like her _team_. She couldn’t have a team with just a few members on board. She needed all of them but Lexa knew it wasn’t going to happen.

 

Morgan, Emily and Willa were attached at the hip and while there was a complete lack of communication, they still managed to win games. They’ve lost more than Lexa was willing to admit and out of stubbornness, Lexa would always blame it on the trio because at least she was trying to get on the same page with the girls, but they didn’t want to hear anything she had to say.

 

Morgan, the leader of the small posse, would claim that she was taller and better than Lexa. She and her friends had transferred over, from a community college, to their team almost a year ago and made it a point to make sure Lexa knew she wasn't better than them. They both knew it wasn’t true, but Lexa was never one to argue. If Morgan wanted to believe it, then Lexa would let her. Anything to get them on the same page, but that still didn’t work.

 

Gustus didn’t say much when it came to it. He knew better than to intervene in young girl’s drama.

 

“It’s almost done anyways.” Lexa commented as she stood up and jumped up and down a few times. She was nodding her head to the music and refused to close her eyes.

 

Every time she did, she saw her.

 

When the song was finally over, they joined everyone in the dark alleyway. Gustus looked back and her and Lexa nodded to him.

 

She was ready.

 

“Done with your weird voodoo ritual? It’s no coincidence that we’re the Blue Devils.”

 

“Shut it, Morgan.” Lexa gritted her teeth and Morgan smirked in satisfaction.

 

Anya just stood behind Lexa. They didn’t really pick on her as much because she knew Morgan and her friends were after Lexa. Because they couldn’t beat her and it was messing with Morgan’s ego. It had been a year and Anya was sure they’d be passed it, but with each season they play, the tension between Lexa’s friends and Morgan’s friends only got stronger.

 

If it weren’t for the fact that they had a game to play, Anya would’ve said something because the way Morgan acted was childish and sometimes, it costed them the game.

 

As the announcer started calling people out, they all got ready.

 

Even though most of them didn’t get along, whenever it was time to play, they got their act together.

 

They all waited until it was their turn to come out and once their coached was called onto the court, everyone cheering and clapping; they got to work.

 

* * *

 

 

There was only a minute left in the game and they were three points away from winning.

 

Everyone was getting in their position to set up their final goal. Lexa had been slowed down by the other team's defense but as soon as she was free, she sprinted down the court, near Anya.

 

It didn’t surprise Lexa that Morgan had the ball, but she couldn’t complain because it had been in their possession for the last three minutes. All Morgan had to do was pass Lexa the ball and she could make her three–point shot, but obviously Morgan was never one to follow the play.

 

Morgan dribbled the ball down the court and Lexa was wide open. Everyone saw it. The coach was subtly making hand gestures for Morgan to pass Lexa the ball, but she didn’t listen.

 

Instead of looking to Lexa, who was a few feet away from her, Morgan looked over and made eye–contact with Willa and Lexa’s heart stopped.

 

_She couldn’t._

 

“What is she doing?” Anya asked out loud, trying to block one of the other players from getting to the ball. Anya had her back turned, but she could see everything play out in the way they had never discussed.

 

The plan was to pass Lexa the ball during their last play so she could make the winning shot. Morgan was disregarding everything and cost them the game as she chucked the ball toward Willa.

 

Willa took it with ease, but hesitated as she turned around to make the last shot.

 

Lexa had never felt so hopeless in her life. She could tell by Willa’s formation that she wasn’t going to make the shot. Morgan would know that if she was as good of a basketball player as she was.

 

Morgan had just cost them the game and she didn’t even know it.

 

In the last five seconds of the game, Willa quickly threw the ball toward the net. There was a reason why she earned her spot on the basketball team this season. Willa was short, but she was quick with her movements. She could take the ball from someone in .2 seconds easily. Lexa had seen it and it amazed her.

 

There was also a reason why Willa wasn’t a shooting guard. Willa knew how to make baskets and was very good at it, but her accuracy was very low.

 

Lexa always had a 99.99% chance that she would make a shot and she could’ve made this one if Morgan had passed her the damn ball.

 

It was no surprise when the ball didn’t make it into the basket. As if it was teasing Lexa, the ball rolled around the rim before bouncing out. There was a loud groan and something slammed against the floor as the buzzer went off and the game was over.

 

The other team jumped for joy as they had just won another game and Lexa ducked her head in shame.

 

No one talked as they made it back into the locker room. Lexa wasn’t a kid anymore. She couldn’t lash out the way she used to. Not just because she had gotten older and learned how to control her anger more, but because this was supposed to be her team but as she looked around, she could barely recognize her teammates.

 

“What the hell was that?” Anya slammed a locker closed and rounded on Morgan.

 

Morgan looked up innocently, a twinkle in her eye.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“The play we went over on Wednesday had Lexa making the final shot and you know it.”

 

“Willa was closer to the goal I thought–“

 

“Bullshit, Morgan.” Ontari stepped in for Lexa. “I was by the goal too. We all were, but the play was to give the ball to Lexa and you and your stupid friends didn’t get the memo.”

 

“Don’t start with me…” Morgan threatened before Gustus stopped them.

 

“Enough!” Gustus yelled, making them jump. He ran his hands over his face before speaking again. “Look, I wasn’t going to say this before, because I thought we were past the high school drama, but if this division in _my_ team keeps happening, I’ll have no other choice than to force someone off my squad. It’s either you guys start playing nice and start winning games _together_ or one of you is going to leave.”

 

The coach was _furious_. Lexa knew this. They all did, but this time it really wasn’t her fault. Gustus had every right to be furious. Morgan just lost the game for them for her apparent hatred for Lexa.

 

Lexa had nothing more to say. This wasn’t her team.

 

She didn’t say anything as she gathered her stuff. She stopped right in front of Morgan, long enough for Morgan to realize her mistake. She knew Morgan had a big ego, but didn’t think she would take it this far.

 

There was division in the team because as soon as Lexa left, so did her friends. Leaving Morgan and her crew by themselves.

 

“I think we messed up.” Emily said from the corner, but Morgan just laughed.

 

“It’s fine. There’s always next game and we can go around–“

 

“I think we should stop. At first, it was funny but it’s not making us win. We are supposed to be _the best_ that’s why we’re here. Lexa is good. Really good, but you won’t give her a chance. She hasn’t let us down yet.”

 

“She’s a snake. She was sleeping with a teacher during her entire season. She doesn’t take this game seriously.”

 

“You can’t believe everything you read and she dominated her senior year, winning almost every game.”

 

“That was, what? Three years ago?” Morgan snarkiness made Willa shake her head.

 

“She’s the reason we win and you know it.”

 

“She’s not better than me.”

 

“When are you going to let this go?” Everett finally spoke up. She was another center for the team. “Lexa is good and so are her friends. We’ve been on this team for too long to keep acting like this. We only have a couple seasons left to play with her and then it’ll be over.”

 

“She’s crazy talented.” Willa agreed.

 

“What is happening to you guys? It’s not like we lose every game.”

 

“We can’t keep playing like this. We are going to get in serious trouble and for what? Because you hate Lexa. Dude, she’s the reason the team is as good as it is.”

 

“You take that back!” Morgan hissed.

 

“I don’t know about you, but maybe we should become friends with her?” Wills suggested.

 

“You _can’t_ be serious?”

 

“I don’t think it’s a bad idea. If coach gets involved in this, someone is going to get kicked off the team.” Emily shrugged.

 

But as always, Morgan being as dramatic as she was, gathered her stuff up and stormed off.

 

* * *

 

 

“Ariana Grande tweeted about you three times this week. I have a feeling we’re going to be invited to her birthday this year.” Raven came barreling into her office, Starbucks coffee in her hands and a box of muffins in the other.

 

It was nearing two PM and Clarke could already feel a headache starting to come in because she hadn’t had her fix of coffee yet.

 

Clarke’s eyes zoned in the the Iced Caramel macchiato making its way over to her and licked her lips unconsciously.

 

“See something you like?” Raven smirked, knowing fully well her friend needed her fix of coffee.

 

There was a time when Clarke went all day without coffee, and honestly Raven thought World War III was going to break out because of it.

 

She had never seen her best friend so cranky in her life. Raven feared for everyone that came in contact with her friend that day.

 

“When you texted and said you hadn’t had coffee yet, I pretty much dropped everything to get it to you.” Raven handed the coffee over to her friend and sat down in one of her plushy white chairs across from her.

 

“And this is why I love you.” Clarke said sweetly. She normally put coffee first in the morning, but when Monroe texted and said they were having problems with the photo shoot, she had no other choice but to rush over to work.

 

“Back to my Grande comment,” Raven said seriously and Clarke rolled her eyes. “You think it could happen? I’m a happily taken woman, but Ariana Grande is _gorgeous_ and very famous. Having someone like her liking your work could be huge for you.”

 

“If she likes my designs then that’s great. I don’t see us working together any time soon. I’m up there, Raven. But she’s like… next level.” Clarke was hardly listening to the conversation, barely registering what she was saying. The only thing she was focused on was getting coffee into her system as quickly as she could. Her bowels be damned.

 

She wasn’t wrong though. Her company had blossomed in ways she couldn’t believe. Even Marcus had commented how well they were doing. Without Cage around to drag her down or cause problems, Clarke was soaring to the top.

 

“Anyways, on to more serious conversation because I have to leave soon,” Raven sucked in a breath, Clarke could only describe as nervous. “I’m going to North Carolina soon. Really soon.”

 

“Oh.” That finally seemed to draw Clarke away from her love affair between her and the coffee.

 

Clarke set her drink down and looked at Raven expectantly. It wasn’t the first time Raven had mention she was going to North Carolina. Raven went down there all the time, but the way she paused, the way she looked over Clarke carefully, Clarke knew what was coming.

 

“Maybe you could–“

 

“No.” Clarke said flatly.

 

“But it’s the championship!” Raven protested like she was a five year old child trying to talk her mother into getting a new bike. It wasn’t going to happen.

 

“No.” Clarke said again. She picked up her drink again. She felt a headache coming on, but for an entirely different reason.

 

“Not even for her, but for Anya. My _girlfriend_ , who I happened to love very much. Octavia can’t go because she’s preggers, but you could come with me. We could even take your private jet.”

 

“Raven–“

 

“It’s been three years. You can’t avoid it forever. My girlfriend is a very important person in my life. It would behoove you to get over whatever shit your dealing with and support me on this. Support my girlfriend, even if Lexa is going to be there.”

 

Clarke sucked in a breath. Hearing her name was like ripping off a bandaid. So many emotions went through her system before she could process it, but in the end, it always hurt. She didn’t need this right now.

 

Clarke hadn’t been on a high like this in a long time. Since before she took control of the company. She was thriving in ways she didn’t think she could. She was being recognized by famous people; before then, it was only a faint dream of hers. And now it was happening. She didn’t need to think about what was in North Carolina.

 

That shipped had sailed a long time ago.

 

So, she threw herself into her work. It was what she was good at; it was what she was _best_ at.

 

And all those Number Twenty–Five jerseys she kept under her bed; no one knew about those.

 

Not even Raven.

 

So, Clarke wasn’t going to sit here and think about the past, when she had a bright future in front of her.

 

Roan was working for her now on a men’s line she begged Marcus to come out with when he was in charge. Now Clarke was, and having Roan be the face of her men’s line was pulling endorsements in like no other. Roan was attractive and her female audience loved a guy with long hair that could rock a man bun.

 

Not only was Roan her male part time model, he was her assistant as well. She had most of her crew to this day, but no one talked about the fight that happened between Clarke and Harper. Not even Monroe talked about it. Sometimes Clarke wondered if Monroe even knew about the fight, but she had been the one to break it up.

 

Clarke wasn’t proud of it. It cost her the best assistant anyone could ask for, but she was angry. She was hurt and the only person she wanted to blame was the one closest to her.

 

Clarke didn’t know where Harper was these days, and if Monroe had ever pursued anything with her, she never spoke of it.

 

After three years, Clarke had built her dynasty and it was everything she ever wanted.

 

Almost everything.

 

There was something missing, but she refused to acknowledge it.

 

Raven and Octavia stuck by her side like super glue. No matter how many times she tried to get rid of them, they never budged. They had girls night way too often and were missing quite a few people from it.

 

It was a shitshow to be honest. Octavia was always antsy as her due date drew closer and picked an argument with Raven whenever she could. Raven would always complain that there wasn’t any ice cream left when they came over because Clarke had eaten it all the night before. They would always bicker about what movie to watch. Raven wanted action and glory. Clarke wanted comedy to mend her broken heart and Octavia wanted a romantic movie.

 

And everyone knew who was missing, and never talked about it, adding to the tension throughout the room.

 

“What are you going to do?” Raven chewed through her muffin before tossing it into the trash can by the desk. “Call up Finn and have him rub your feet for you?”

 

“Raven–“

 

Clarke had no other choice but to move on. Lexa wasn’t here anymore. They weren’t together anymore and as much as it killed Clarke, her life had to move on.

 

Seeing Finn sometimes was easy. He didn’t hound her like he used to for a relationship. He was pretty much getting whatever Clarke was giving him.

 

Seeing Finn was easy, because Clarke didn’t have to see him all the time. He didn’t know her as well as Clarke thought he would’ve after seeing each other for a couple months.

 

Clarke had also realized that she wasn’t giving much for Finn to know.

 

But what they were doing was easy. They never crossed dangerous territory. They never talked about what had happened. They were just barely scratching the surface of a relationship that really couldn’t even be called a relationship.

 

Because it wasn’t. Finn was just… there and sometimes being with him was nice. He didn’t make her laugh like Lexa did. He didn’t make her heart pound in her chest. He didn’t make her cum the way Lexa did, but he was there and he was alright.

 

“I just wanted you to come to the game with me.” Raven blew out. “But I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. You avoid everything in your life so I’m not surprised you’d avoid this, even though it has _nothing_ to do with you.”

 

“What is that supposed to mean?”

 

What was supposed to be a surprised coffee date together, was turning into one of the various arguments Clarke got into whenever _she_ was involved.

 

“You avoid your dad. You avoid Cage. You avoid Harper, Clarke. _Harper_. You have a problem.” Raven said it so simply, like Clarke could fix it within the next hour.

 

Honestly, what Raven was saying was the truth. They both knew that. That was why Raven was so upset. Clarke would give her this, but that didn’t mean she was going to admit it out loud.

 

“Don’t you have a restaurant to run?” Clarke said as a way of dismissal. Raven sat there for another minute, locking eyes with her best friend.

 

Clarke tried to hold her gaze steady, but Raven was giving her that look she only used when she wanted her to admit something. She used it on her all the time. To get her to admit that she ate all the M&M’s out of the trail mix or when she wanted her to admit that she knocked over her vase one time back in December.

 

Raven tried to use _the look_ to get her to admit that she wasn’t okay, but Clarke wouldn’t fall for it.

 

Getting Clarke to talk about Lexa was like getting it to rain in California; it didn’t happen.

 

So Raven huffed and stood up.

 

“You know it’s a sad day when I’d rather be in the company of Octavia, who is almost eight months pregnant and has a temper worse than my dad right now and mood swings that don’t even make sense, than to sit here and talk about this.”

 

“I didn’t ask for this.” Clarke said seriously. She loved Raven, more than she was willing to admit, but she wasn’t going to win this.

 

When Clarke’s mind was made up, it was made up and there was no changing it.

 

“Goodbye, Clarke,” Raven said curtly. “Maybe you’ll think about joining me to support my girlfriend in a few months.”

 

Clarke didn’t respond and when she didn’t, Raven sighed dramatically and slammed the door to her office shut.

 

Clarke sat back in her chair, sipping on her coffee as if nothing happened.

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m really not in the mood to deal with Morgan today.” Ontari said seriously as they entered the gym. It was Wednesday, which meant it was time for practice. Lexa had taken a two hour nap beforehand and was ready to go.

 

“If we don’t win this season because of her, I’m going to kill her.” Anya grunted, drinking a gulp of water.

 

“Is your mom still coming down for the championship?” Echo asked curiously from beside Lexa.

 

“Of course she is,” Lexa chuckled. “Who do you think she is? She’s driving down her a couple days before. I think my dad is coming too with Aden.”

 

Her brother was six now and every time Lexa went to go see him during the summer, she swore all he did was grow. He was up to her stomach now. She didn’t have to bend down to pick him up anymore.

 

Her relationship with her dad’s family had gotten a lot better. Her dad would FaceTime her when it was convenient for her and Taylor would join as well. Her father told her that he wasn’t planning on having anymore kids and he wanted to focus on strengthening their relationship.

 

It made the ache stop. The years of hurt and confusion as to why her father had left, was a faint memory now. Lexa meant it when she said she wanted to focus on the next chapter in her life and that started with forgiving.

 

They didn’t talk about the past anymore or the what if’s. Whenever they spend time together, Lexa had fun. She loved being around Aden. He was so funny and smart. He didn’t annoy her like she thought he would. Lexa might have hated her father for leaving all those years ago, but she couldn’t be mad at the way Aden was growing up. He was very polite and Lexa actually hated whenever she had to leave to go back to college.

 

“I think my mom is coming down the day of the game and staying a day afterward,” Anya stopped before they went into the gym. She silently gestured for Ontari and Echo to go inside and they did so respectfully. “Raven’s coming.”

 

“Okay?” Lexa said with a frown. She knew that Anya’s girlfriend would be coming down to support their last game.

 

Anya looked nervous for a second. It had been a while since she spoke her name to her. Anya wasn’t really sure what was going to happen. She knew her best friend. She knew that she was barely getting by these days, no matter how much she said she was fine.

 

Lexa was most definitely _not_ fine.

 

“I was talking with Raven and she said… well, I think…” Anya blew out a breath. “Bellamy is coming.”

 

“Really?” Lexa asked in surprise.

 

Octavia was eight months pregnant. Apparently when she opened her restaurant and met Lincoln at a party her ex–girlfriend threw, sparks flew and three years later, Octavia had a ring on her finger and a baby growing in her belly.

 

Lexa thought briefly if that would’ve been her life. Married, and a kid on the way. Lexa could barely toast a bagel correctly. She wasn’t sure that life would’ve worked out for her.

 

(The thought still didn’t stop the ache in her heart).

 

“Of course. We went up there for a couple games and now he is returning the favor. Monty and Jasper send their love.”

 

“Ours lives are so different now, An.” Lexa whispered out, amazed.

 

“Lexa…” Anya hesitated again. She was always nervous to bring her up. “Raven told me that… Raven told me that Clarke is seeing someone.”

 

Anya finally let out a relieved breath of months of holding that information in and prepared for the worse. Lexa was staring at her and hadn’t moved for a few seconds.

 

“The tabloids…” Lexa was past caring if Anya knew she checked on her ex–girlfriend through the tabloids. It was the only way she could.

 

“She hasn’t said anything to the media about it. Raven wouldn’t lie about this, especially since she’s always with her.”

 

“Who.. who is–“

 

“Guys, come on!” Echo poked her head out the doors. Coach hated whenever someone was late and would make them run an extra ten laps to make up for it. Lexa and Anya quickly scrambled into the door.

 

* * *

 

 

Practice had been going well for the most part, beside the obvious aggression Lexa had. She normally brought it out during practices and games, but this was different.

 

Anya felt like she had something to do with it. No one had told her. No one had even really knew. Anya knew Lexa’s mom didn’t know about it, but a couple months ago, Raven called her and told her that Clarke was seeing someone.

 

Raven didn’t give her that many details, wanting to respect Clarke’s love life, but Anya knew it was going to affect her best friend and it was clearly showing.

 

There was a reason why people envy Lexa. Why, despite what Morgan and her friends say, Lexa was the best player on their team.

 

No one could get to her today. She was dribbling past everyone and no one could stop her. Her coach wasn’t saying anything about it, because she knew how talented Lexa was. It just made everyone work harder.

 

Lexa was snatching the ball left and right. No one had their hands on the ball for more than a few seconds before Lexa snuck up on them and snatched it away.

 

They had just finished a scrimmage, Lexa’s team winning and Morgan’s losing before Morgan walk up to her.

 

Anya cursed under her breath because she knew this altercation wasn’t going to go down well. But this wasn’t high school, if Morgan had something to say, Lexa should be able to handle it.

 

“What is your problem?” Morgan hissed, her friends right behind her. “You didn’t give anyone a chance today.”

 

“What?” Lexa sneered. Anya ducked her head dramatically. “Couldn’t handle that I’m better than you.”

 

The coach was over collecting all the jerseys and towels off the benches. He was watching closely, but didn’t step in to say anything.

 

" _You_ aren’t better than _me_!”

 

“You have a serious problem with losing, but that didn’t stop you from letting us lose on Sunday. I gave all you bitches a chance, it’s not my fault you can’t keep up.” Lexa said with a smirk.

 

“I thought this was supposed to be your team, since you think you’re better than all of us. What’s wrong?” Morgan stepped right in front of Lexa before saying: “Can’t keep this team together just like you couldn’t keep your relationship together?”

 

Lexa snapped her head up to look at the dirty–blonde. Anya gasped from behind her because this team was seriously the definition of dysfunctional.

 

“The fuck did you just say?”

 

“Morgan, don't!” Willa warned next to her, knowing what was about to happen, but of course, Morgan brushed her off.

 

“Don’t act like everybody doesn’t know,” Morgan hissed. “You were the talk of the campus for quite a while. Everyone got a kick out of Lexa Woods being here. _Wasn’t she the one that slept with that teacher? How did she win so many games with her hands up a teacher’s skirt?”_

 

Morgan imitated her peers and Lexa sneered at her.

 

“It’s no wonder it never worked out. I mean, look at you. You clearly don’t have your shit together so why would that teacher want someone like you?”

 

There were too many years of heartache for Lexa to keep her composure. Anya never talked about Clarke until now, even though Lexa knew they were still in contact.

 

Anya knew never to talk about Clarke and this was the reason why.

 

She regretted telling Lexa about what was happening with Clarke. She knew what Morgan was saying was wrong, but Anya could see it happening before she could stop her.

 

Whenever Anya had tried to talk about Clarke, it would always lead to numerous unsolved arguments between them. This was the first time Anya had mentioned Clarke and Lexa didn’t react… until now.

 

At first, Raven had pushed for it. Clarke wanted to know how Lexa was and would ask Anya to give her information. Lexa didn’t know this, but she still didn’t say anything about how she felt. Anya tried to shelter Lexa from Clarke as much as she could.

 

But as far as Anya knew, Lexa’s feelings were nonexistent.

 

Until now, with Morgan in her face, hands on her hips with a smug smile on her face.

 

Even the coach knew what was about to happen as Lexa let out a cold chuckle and cocked her arm back.

 

The satisfaction of hitting Morgan right in the eye didn’t give Lexa the high she thought it would. The only thing Lexa could think about was what she had said.

 

All Lexa could think about was what Anya had said.

 

Clarke was seeing someone.

 

Clarke was _seeing_ someone.

 

 _Clarke was seeing someone_ and that mixed with the fact that Morgan was being a complete bitch right now, made Lexa lose it.

 

She was proud about it at first. The satisfaction of hitting Morgan where it hurt was enough for Lexa to calm down.

 

Until Morgan took her hand away from her eye and tried to charge for Lexa.

 

“You’re crazy!” Morgan screamed as she tried to grab a hold of Lexa. Willa had a death grip on Morgan and Lexa could see as Morgan struggled in her arms, the bruise that was starting to form around her eye.

 

Lexa took pride in knowing that she could handle her anger better than she did in high school. She hadn’t gotten into one fight during her three years at college, but as she looked over at someone who was supposed to be her teammate, all Lexa felt was shame for lashing out the way she had.

 

But Lexa wasn’t about to apologize for it. Because Morgan was calling her all types of names as she tried to get to her.

 

“I’m going to fuckin–“

 

“I’ve had enough!” Gustus threw down his clipboard and that finally made Morgan calm down.

 

But Lexa didn’t stay. She couldn’t.

 

_Clarke was seeing someone._

 

The weight of those words were almost enough to drag her down. To lose all the strength she’d tried to build up since their conversation.

 

 _Clarke was seeing someone_ and Lexa wasn’t getting ready to stand in the middle of a gym with teammates that weren’t even hers.

 

Lexa left.

 

Something she was also ashamed of. Even as the coach called after her. She didn’t think her heart could hurt anymore than it already was, but… Clarke was seeing someone and the thought alone made Lexa hurl into the trash can right outside the gym.

 

She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and kept walking.

 

Because that was all she could do to stop thinking about it.

 

She ran back to campus and to her dorm room. She curled up into a ball on her bed, reaching into her nightstand for the necklace Clarke had gotten her.

 

Lexa couldn’t wrap her head around it. Clarke was seeing someone? Who was she seeing? Was it a girl or a guy? Did they treat her well? Was Clarke happy with them? Lexa couldn’t stand to think about Clarke with someone else, but didn’t have to think about it for much longer.

 

Anya came barging in the door, her eyes narrowing on her.

 

“How bad is it?” Lexa asked, not bothering to look up. She was still holding the necklace. Normally, Lexa wouldn’t let Anya see this side of her.

 

Lexa would only look through the magazines whenever she knew Anya would be away for a while.

 

Anya walked into the door more cautiously, seeing the obvious distress state her best friend was in. She had so much work to do. She knew she went along with it, but it was clear Lexa wasn’t alright.

 

Anya didn’t know what else to do. Anything having to do with Clarke, would end with Lexa blowing up at her or whoever spoke about her. She didn’t know what had happened whenever Lexa went up to go see her, but it was obvious even after three years, Lexa wasn’t over it.

 

Lexa wasn’t as happy as she was when she was with Clarke. She knew she couldn’t always be with Raven, but they made their long distance work. To be honest, Anya thought Clarke and Lexa would outlive their relationship, but she was sadly mistaken.

 

Anya hated seeing her best friend like this and sighed heavily, before delivering the news.

 

“Coach wants to suspend you for a couple games which could mean the championship.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is more of a filler chapter. After this chapter, we really dive into everything that you're probably all wondering about lol. Clexa reunion is in Chapter 4 and it's everything you are probably expecting it to be, both good and bad!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy!
> 
> PSA: My AO3 account is being so weird and it doesn’t change the date on my uploads, it keeps the date which I originally published the fic. I was having this problem with my other fics so please, if you got a notification for this chapter can you tell me????? Thank you!!

 

* * *

 

 

Stepping into her coach’s office on a Saturday was not something Lexa was looking forward to. She had tried to postpone this meeting for as long as she could, but seeing as they had a game tomorrow, it was time to face the music.

 

Lexa had classes and tutoring sessions that she’d used as a way to avoid it, but standing outside of Gustus’ office, she realized there was no more hiding. 

 

She didn’t think she went too far. She didn’t think what she did was wrong, but that was the stubbornness in her talking. 

 

Taking slow steps, Lexa thought about all the ways Morgan had screwed this up for her. There was also a brief thought where she thought maybe Morgan did this on purpose. Maybe this was her way of getting her off the team. 

 

Lexa hated that her anger got the best of her. She told her mom and had been completely surprised when she didn’t flip out on her. She knew Lexa was going through a hard time. 

 

She knew her daughter was still… _grieving_.

 

But Indra had told her how she wasn’t in high school anymore and how she wouldn’t be there to bail her out of trouble. Indra also threatened to put her into anger management classes if she didn’t get her act together. 

 

Because apparently how she acted in high school and how she was now, wasn’t that different.  


The realization tore Lexa apart. She was supposed to be better than this. She was supposed to rise above all the drama, but all the fights she had gotten into during high school and what was happening now, were the same.

 

She felt like all the maturing she’d done the past few years went right out the window as she entered her coach’s office and saw the disappointment on his face.

 

“I’ve been watching you for a while now, both as a player and as a person.” Gustus barely let Lexa close the door and sit down before he started talking. 

 

“I’ve noticed how tense you were. You never hesitated during games. You never paused, but I watched over and over again,” Gustus spoke lowly, his dark eyes trained on his basketball player. “You would walk over to your phone and you would… _pause_. It’s the only time I’ve ever really seen you thrown off.” 

 

Lexa stayed quiet, swallowing slowly. She wondered if her coach could figure it out, had everyone else figured it out too? 

 

How torn apart she was that she didn’t contact her anymore? How she dreaded looking at her phone after practice because she knew there would only be news headlines to read. She hated where they stood right now. Lexa hated a lot of things right now.

 

“Coach…”

 

“I was married, you know.” Gustus spoke wisely, casually sitting back in his chair, like the weight of Lexa’s basketball career wasn’t in his hands. “I loved her with everything in me. I really thought she was the one, until I found out she was having an affair with our accountant and left me alone and broke. I never thought I’d recover.”

 

This was the part where Lexa always bailed. She didn’t care if it was in her genes. She wasn’t going to sit around and talk about it. 

 

“Coach. I’m not–“

 

“I don’t know what happened,” Gustus said much more softer. Honestly, the softest Lexa had ever heard. “But I know a broken–hearted person when I see one and I’ve been there. I’ve–“

 

“Sir, this is different.”

 

“You and I both know it isn’t.” Gustus reassured her easily and Lexa sighed. She wanted to go a day, just one measly day without thinking about _her_. 

 

“I’m not going to suspend you, Lexa.” Her coach finally said and although they were having a heavy conversation, Lexa felt lighter. “I’d only be a fool to. You are the reason why we win. I want you to formally apologize to Morgan. Not now, but soon. I get that you’re hurt. You’ve been hurting for a while, but I will not have you taking it out on your teammates.”

 

“Understood, sir.” Lexa mumbled respectfully.

 

She felt like she was back in high school, always getting sent to the principal's office for something. 

 

“Whatever _shit_ you two have going on here, it stops now. You two need to find a way to get along and I mean it. Once you two start getting along, everything else will fall into place. Now, please. Get out of my office and go be a college kid.”

 

Lexa smiled briefly before standing up quickly, relieved that this conversation was over.

 

Lexa was halfway out the door, when her coach stopped her again. Lexa groaned internally before turning around.

 

“This girl…” Gustus trailed off. “Did you really love her?” 

 

“I did.” Lexa answered after a moment.

 

“And do you believe it could ever work out?” Gustus asked.

 

Lexa paused again.

 

“Maybe.”

 

“Then that’s something, Lexa. Hold on to that maybe and maybe let go of some of that anger.” Her coach spoke wisely. Lexa smiled at him. 

 

He was like a father figure to her.

 

“I’ll try.”

 

* * *

 

 

“And he just let you walk?” Ontari asked over the music. “No way.”

 

“Apparently I’m a member of the broken–hearted club so he gave me a pass.” Lexa picked up another can of beer off the table, before chugging some of it. 

 

Anya shared a look with Ontari before plastering on a smile.

 

“How about some beer pong?” Anya asked in a cheery voice, but Lexa just shrugged.

 

“Maybe later.” Lexa mumbled. She didn’t say anything before grabbing another beer and heading to the back porch. 

 

The fresh air felt nice. For the first time in a while, it felt like Lexa wasn’t gasping for breath. She took a couple steady breaths, looking out into the woods before taking another couple sips of her beer. 

 

Had it really been that noticeable? Had she really not been able to hide that fact that she was hurt? She didn’t want to give any credit to Clarke right now, but she was raising her beer can up to her. 

 

No one had torn her apart the way she had. No one had cared for her the way she had. No one had _loved_ her the way she had. 

 

And it was simple really.

  
  
There were billions of people on this Earth. Thousands of students were at her college, but she only wanted one person.

 

The thought burned almost as much as the beer sliding down her throat. 

 

* * *

 

 

“Have you seen Lexa?” The question was directed toward Anya.

 

Anya looked up, wondering who had the audacity to interrupt the conversation she was currently having with Echo. They were both lounging on the couch, deciding how they should celebrate if they win the championship. Anya was completely surprised when she looked up to see some of her teammates. 

 

“Why? Here to make her life a living hell?” Anya smirked, after looking Morgan and her friends over.  

 

“I really need to talk to her.”

 

The desperate look on Morgan’s face made Anya get up, with Echo in tow. Anya looked over the blonde haired girl. How her black eye stuck out like a sore thumb to the rest of her pale face. Lexa really did a number on her. 

 

“She’s out back.” Anya said after a few moments of thick silence. Morgan looked relieved and made a beeline to the back. 

 

“Should we go out there?” Anya asked to Willa. This was the most she’d ever talked to her, but they needed to stop avoiding each other. 

 

“I think we need to give them a minute alone.”

 

Anya sighed heavily and hoped she made the right decision. 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa had just finished her second beer when she heard the back door slide open. Lexa’s back was to it, but that didn’t stop her from talking.

 

“Anya, I’m still not ready–“

 

“Hello, Lexa.” Morgan said softly. 

 

Lexa turned around in shock upon hearing that voice. She knew that voice. It was the one that was currently making her life a living hell. 

 

Lexa didn’t even bother saying anything. She tried to head back inside, but Morgan blocked her.

 

“Move before you have two black eyes.” Lexa threatened dangerously. It made Morgan cower slightly, but she held her ground as Lexa tried to push her way inside.

 

“Lexa, wait!”

 

Lexa grunted against the girl. She wasn’t letting her move. She shoved her off roughly, but didn’t make a move to go inside.

 

“I’m sorry!” Morgan said quickly in fear that Lexa was going to try and leave again. “What I said was really out of line and if someone would’ve said that to me… I’m just really sorry. You’re a really great basketball player. Better than me and sometimes I go a little crazy when someone can beat me at my own game.”

 

“Okay, are you wearing some kind of wire tap?” Lexa went as far as looking the girl over, looking for the damn thing. 

 

“No,” Morgan had the decency to chuckle. “After what happened, watching how mad coach got, I realized that I was wrong. I know I’m a transfer student and maybe that got to my head a bit. I thought I was the best… until I met you.”

 

“So you’re admitting it?” Lexa pinched her eyebrows together. 

 

“I’m admitting that I was wrong. I was being immature and it needs to stop. We are supposed to be teammates and I’ve been a terrible one. Having someone better than me, it’s hard for me to… deal with.”

 

“You don’t say.” Lexa smirked against her beer can. Morgan gave her a slight smile before holding out her hand.

 

“A truce?”

 

“Just like that?”

 

“I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of the tension and drama. You’re really talented and I know I can learn a lot from you.”

 

This time Lexa smiled wide and held her hand out.

 

“A truce.” Lexa said and Morgan shook her hand softly.

 

“A truce.” Morgan said seriously, a small smile shared between them. 

 

Lexa wasn’t sure if she could truly trust Morgan. She didn’t have to deal with her that much, but they had to work hard these next couple weeks to make it to the championship. They had made it last year and they had won, although there was no communication between the two leaders, but Lexa was hoping that they could win again. 

 

Lexa felt some sort of comfort from Morgan. Something she thought would never happen, but she was at least happy they could finally get on the same page now. 

 

* * *

 

 

Abby had just arrived at Arkadia Inc. with two strawberry smoothies. She had been spending a lot more time out in New York since that was where her daughter and most of her friends were. Visiting her daughter at work, was a regular thing for Abby to do. It was honestly the only time she saw her daughter truly happy. 

 

She didn’t like leaving Clarke alone for a long time. She knew her daughter didn’t have her father to fall back on anymore, and was trying to step up to be the best mother she could be, especially since her daughter was hurting so much. 

 

Abby was greeted by the receptionist and was recognized immediately. She was sent up to her daughter’s office without a second thought. 

 

When Abby softly knocked on the door, Clarke was skimming over a few emails. She looked up and smiled warmly when she saw her mother standing across the room.

 

“Hi, mom.” Clarke closed her laptop and stood up.

 

“Hi, honey,” Abby walked into the room. “I just wanted to stop by and see how you were doing. I also thought you could use an afternoon treat.”

 

Abby handed over the smoothie and Clarke hummed appreciatively. 

 

“Thanks mom,” Clarke murmured. “I was just reading over some emails. I have a few sketches I might try to finish up tonight for the photo shoot this weekend.” 

 

“That sounds exciting.” Abby said as she got cozy in one of the chairs across from Clarke’s glass desk. 

 

“How have you been?” Abby asked after a few minutes. 

 

Clarke was used to her mother dropping by more than usual. She was used to doing a lot of work with her around. Clarke opened her laptop again. She moved the straw around in her drink to get the good bits, before looking up. 

 

“I’m fine, mom.” Clarke said, as she focused on another email. 

 

When a couple minutes passed by without her mother saying anything, Clarke finally looked up. 

 

“What?” Clarke questioned the frown on her mother’s face. 

 

“Clarke, you’ve had to lie to a lot of people,” Abby paused, getting up to look at her daughter properly. “But you don’t have to lie to me.”

 

Clarke finally stop skimming over an email that she was barely even reading and looked up. Her heart stuttered when she realized her mother was standing exactly where _she_ stood three years ago. She didn’t think even after all this time, she would still be so hurt by it. 

 

“I’m not lying.” Clarke said easily and her mother made a sound of disbelief. 

 

“Clarke, I’m not buying that.”

 

“Mom, I don’t want to do this right now.”

 

“Then when is a good time for you?” Abby folded her arms. “When will it ever be a good time to talk about how you are hurting?” 

 

Clarke didn’t answer. She stood up, letting out a long sigh. Her mother always wanted to talk about it. She always wanted to make it clear that she wasn’t alright. Clarke was fighting a losing battle. Her mother always won when it came to how she was feeling. Her mother knew her the best. 

 

“She wasn’t just some fling, mom. I loved her,” Clarke admitted, her eyes wide with truth. “Is that what you wanted to hear? She wasn’t Niylah. I was myself when I was with her. I was happy.” 

 

It was never easy talking about it. It was never easy talking about her, but Clarke pushed through it. She didn’t understand even after all this time, why her mother always had to bring this up. 

 

“Niylah controlled everything that I did. Everything I did. Yeah, she treated me alright and _no_ , she never put her hands on me, but I felt like I was suffocating while being with her. I do believe I was in love with her, but it was nothing compared to…” 

 

Clarke trailed off, shaking her head. Her name was never easy to say anymore. She remembered when her name used to fall so easily out of her mouth– when she was chastising her or having a conversation with her, when her mouth was on her in the best way. Her name used to be so easy to say, but not this time. Not right now. Her heart ached and her chest tightened when she thought about saying her name again.

 

Luckily, her mom knew where she was going with the conversation. 

 

“Honey, come here.” Abby instructed, arms open.

 

“Mom, I don’t need a hug.” Clarke chuckled like it was the most ridiculous notion in the world. 

 

“Yes you do.” Her mom paused, hating how she could see the stress throughout her daughter’s body. “Come here.”

 

At the mother–like softness, Clarke finally put down her walls and walked over to her mom. She was wearing a handmade, navy suit. She was standing in the middle of a very expensive office, with her employees rushing around to make sure everything was successful within the business.

 

Clarke didn’t want to be cocky, but she was sitting on a lot of money right now.

 

Clarke was very successful. Very well–known. She was older. She was twenty–eight years old and didn’t think she needed this.

 

But as her mother wrapped her arms around her, Clarke felt better, more safe. She felt like she did when she was a kid and she had fallen off her bike and scraped her knee. 

 

No matter what, no matter where, her mother always had her back and it made Clarke hold on to her tighter. 

 

“I’m trying mom,” Clarke mumbled into her neck. “I’m trying to be happy without her. It’s been three years and I feel like it’s still not good enough. This company is the only thing that makes me not completely hate myself.”

 

“Honey…”

 

“It’s been three years,” Clarke said. “It’s over with.”

 

“Honey–“ Abby tried to say with a little more force. 

 

“I ended one of the best relationships I’ve ever been in and I only have myself to blame for that. I let her walk away and it was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, but I can’t change it. It’s too late. She probably hates my guts and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m fine, mom. I need to move on with this.”

 

They both knew that Clarke wasn’t moving on with it. It had been years and Clarke was still hung up on it. 

 

“And Finn’s been really–“

 

“Do you love him?”

 

“Mom, he’s not even really my boyfriend. He might think that, but I’m just…”

 

“I just don’t want you hurting someone else because you’re hurting yourself.” 

 

Clarke pulled away from her mother. Had that been what Clarke was doing? She liked Finn enough to be around him and she thought that was enough for now.

 

Honestly, during the past few months, they’d only seen each other a selected few times. 

 

He was here right now, visiting before he had to go back to Maryland for the week. Clarke really didn’t like talking about what she was doing with Finn. Solely, because she had no clue what that was. 

 

But it was easier than being alone. It was easier than thinking about her everyday. Finn made her laugh and that was all Clarke needed right now.

 

Clarke didn’t say anything. She just went back to work as her mother read quietly on the couch. She didn’t want to keep having this conversation. She didn’t think she handle it anymore. 

 

Clarke took a deep breath before finally opening her laptop again. 

 

* * *

 

 

After having such a heavy conversation with her mother, Clarke was happy to be here.

 

Octavia was fussing at Lincoln for something he forgot at the store and Raven was munching on the appetizers that were laid across the counter. Roan was off using the bathroom down the hall and Clarke was standing in the midst of all the chaos.

 

Oh… and Finn was here also. 

 

He was… Clarke turned around for a moment and realized that she had no clue where Finn had run off to, and concluded that she really didn’t care. 

 

It felt weird being here with him after the conversation she had with her mother. She hadn’t said what she really wanted to say, but she said enough to know that her mother knew what was going on. So, being here with Finn, didn’t feel right to her.

 

Finn fit in well enough with her friends. Raven didn’t like him much. Solely because of the fact that he wasn’t Lexa and no matter how hard Clarke faked it, Raven knew she wasn’t happy. 

 

Lincoln didn’t mind him. Clarke could tell that he sometimes got annoyed of him because he would always try to prove how tough he was to the six foot tall man. Octavia oddly liked him and Roan didn’t care for him much. 

 

So whenever they had a get together like this, Finn was always stuck to her side, but he was nowhere in sight and she had no clue where he was. 

 

“Has anyone seen Finn?” Clarke finally spoke up. Octavia jerked her head to look at her with an odd expression.

 

“He told you he was running downstairs to grab his phone charger, remember?”

 

Finn was talking to her? When? Where? Surely, she would’ve known if he was directly talking to her.

 

“You kinda just nodded and said okay.” Raven piped up, her mouth full of food. Lincoln was cutting up some chicken in the corner, eyeing Clarke suspiciously.

 

“Oh right.” Clarke nodded. Maybe she had been so caught up in the conversation she had with her mother to realize that he was talking to her. 

 

Clarke blew out a breath and went into the front room to wait for him.

 

* * *

 

 

“We were thinking that once the little one starts running around, we could buy a house.” Octavia was munching on the chicken Lincoln had grilled as she spoke across the table to her friends. “We obviously want a nice, spacious house, but something we can afford.”

 

“That’ll be cool. Because then I’ll have a bigger guest room.” Raven said gratefully and Octavia rolled her eyes.

 

“Clarke, what do you think?” Octavia asked and was met with silence. 

 

Clarke had been eating at a slow pace. Throwing a carrot in her mouth here or there and cutting up her chicken into fairly small pieces. She really hadn’t been eating at all.

 

“Clarke?” Octavia asked again, but Clarke still didn’t answer. 

 

“Babe?” 

 

The pet–name made Clarke jerk in her seat. It never felt right being called babe by Finn. Clarke finally snapped her eyes up and was met with the questioning eyes of her friends.

 

“Yes?” Clarke tried to act naturally. Why did she keep spacing out?

 

“We were thinking about buying a house and since you’re like a millionaire, we wanted your opinion.”

 

“Oh… um.. um…”

 

“I think I left my jacket out back. Clarke, care to join me?” Raven asked suddenly. Octavia just let it go because she wasn’t sure what was going on.

 

Raven didn’t give her much of a choice.

 

She yanked on her hand, her fork dropping against the plate before pulling her best friend up and marching toward the back patio.

 

“What is up with you?” Raven asked. She wasn’t lying. Her jacket had been thrown across one of the lawn chairs they kept on the patio. 

 

Raven had shut the door and rounded on her friend.

 

“What are you talking about?” Clarke asked with a frown.

 

“You’ve been up here all night.” Raven tapped against her best friend’s forehead and folded her arms expectantly. “I want to know why.”

 

“I’m fine, Raven.”

 

“Are things between you and Finn rocky?” 

 

Clarke let out a laugh before leaning against the wall.

 

“We’ve never been stable from the beginning,” Clarke said darkly, shoving her hands in the light blue denim jacket she had on. “I went from having a completely stable relationship, although things were kept hidden, to Finn, who just… he’s not…”

 

Clarke blew out a breath.

 

_He’s not her._

 

Raven knew what she was going to say and her eyes softened.

 

“Don’t look at me like that.”

 

“I was there since the beginning, Clarke. I called it before you even knew what was happening.”

 

“I wish you didn’t call anything. I wish we never–“

 

“You don’t mean any of that.”

 

“I had a conversation with my mom. It was emotional like it always seems to be these days.”

 

Raven stayed silent, evaluating her best friend.

 

“I’m happy, Raven. As happy as I’m going to be. I’m with Finn and Cage isn’t around anymore. What more could I want?” 

 

“What about Harper?”

 

“Why do you always–“

 

“Because she’s supposed to be here tonight with Zoe!” Raven spoke over her. “But no one is allowed to talk about her because _God forbid_ we hurt your feelings.”

 

“Raven, shut up.”

 

“She’s supposed to be our best friend, Clarke! She was your right hand woman for the longest time. She’s the one who shaped you to become the best designer you could be and this is how you repay her?”

 

“She left willingly!” Clarke defended herself, feeling a headache coming on.

 

“You practically opened the door for her.”

 

“I’m not talking about Harper tonight.”

 

Raven looked over at her best friend, slumped against the wall. She noticed the bags under her eyes, the way her clothes hung off her body. For someone who was supposed to be happy, Clarke sure did look sad.

 

But Raven wasn’t about to cause a fight right now.

 

“Fine, let’s go back inside then. Can you please be in the present?”

 

“I’ll try my best your majesty.”

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke only got worse from that day on. Within a course of a few weeks, Clarke was spiraling into something that was deeper and darker than she had ever felt before. 

 

She had missed work more than she had in her entire career. She hung out with her friends less and she slept a whole lot more.

 

Clarke wasn’t really sure what was happening. She had everything she could possibly want, but it still didn’t feel like enough.

 

She had her luxurious penthouse, with an overly expensive car. She was seeing someone who was decent and her company was very successful.

 

So how come, on most days, she barely felt like getting out of bed?

 

Clarke was currently laying in bed. All of her lights were off and she was eating straight out of a cartoon of food she picked up on the way back from seeing her mom.

 

Abby had finally bought an apartment out here in New York. It wasn’t as fancy as her penthouse, but it was nice and spacious and her mom liked it. 

 

She had been spending a lot of time out in New York when she didn’t have work. Clarke was secretly grateful for it. Over the years, her relationship with her mother had gotten so strong, so secure, that she actually looked forward to her coming down here. 

 

Spending time with her was soothing, even though she liked to bring up the past a lot. Spending time with her mother was something Clarke didn’t think she would cherish so much. 

 

Clarke had just finished her cartoon of noodles and blindly put it on her dresser before grabbing the bottle of wine that she kept on her nightstand. 

 

She grimaced at the taste of warm wine. She was never really a fan, but she kept drinking it anyways all the while, ignoring every phone call from Raven.

 

She wasn’t in the mood to talk about how she felt. She would rather sit in the dark and drink it away. 

 

That was much easier.

 

It wasn’t until she heard someone bust open her front door and make a beeline to her room that the lights were finally turned on.

 

Clarke hissed and immediately threw the covers over her head.

 

“Why haven’t you been answering my phone calls?” Raven screeched as she opened the curtains. “I’ve been leaving voicemails and everything.” 

 

“Raven, leave! I’m not up for dinner tonight. I literally just finished eating.”

 

Raven wasn’t listening to what she was saying. She was mumbling frantically under her breath, walking over to her closet.

 

“You need to get up,” Raven called over her shoulder. She was throwing multiple clothes on her bed, shaking her head. “You need to get up right now. You need to wash that stench off of you.”

 

Raven stopped throwing clothes down on the bed, long enough for her to walk over to Clarke’s side of the bed and rip the covers away from her.

 

“Raven!”

 

“Are you not hearing me?” Raven yelled. “Get up!”

 

“Can you at least tell me what’s wrong?” Clarke finally got enough courage to get out of bed, her eyes were glazed over and she really just wanted to get back in bed.

 

“You need to get up and get dressed because you have a meeting with Ariana Grande’s manager.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Truly sorry for how long it took me to upload this. My beta was going through a pretty rough time and I was handling some things before I go back to college. 
> 
> The next chapter is the Clexa reunion and is one of my favorites. I can't wait to share it with you all!
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me,  
> Rebelguitargirl

 

* * *

 

“I’m so glad that we got a chance to meet. I was afraid that you weren’t interested in my offer.” 

 

“I’m sorry.” Clarke apologized, glancing briefly at Raven. “I had… a thing.” 

 

She would admit that she was nervous. It wasn’t everyday you talk to a celebrity’s manager. With her line of work, this meeting could go many different ways. 

 

Clarke thought back to how pitiful she was before she got here. She had been in her pajamas, with her hair a mess and she hadn’t showered all day. Plus she was tired.

 

But now as she sat across from Hannah, Ariana Grande’s manager; she was wide awake, she smelled like she walked through an explosion of bath bombs, and her hair was in loose curls, falling around her shoulders.

 

She was wearing a pantsuit. She figured it would be more formal than wearing a dress. Hannah had eyed the navy tailored suit appreciatively as she came to sit down, Raven was in tow in an equally expensive suit. 

 

They were in a restaurant, Clarke had never heard of, eating food she had never seen before. Raven was munching down on the food beside her, her eyes juggling back and forth between Clarke and Hannah, as if she was watching a game of tennis. Clarke knew it was taking everything in Raven to not ask a billion questions.

 

“Well, I like to get straight down to business if you don’t mind.” Hannah had a thick and intimidating British accent. She opened up a dark blue notepad and Clarke eyed it suspiciously. Raven put down her fork and wiped at her mouth. 

 

“Of course.” Clarke took a sip of water, mostly to busy herself. Hannah hadn’t given them much to go off of. She had no idea what the manager wanted.

 

“Grande’s last designer had a drug problem and I don’t allow those types of people near my work of art.” 

 

Hannah was talking quickly and her accent made it quite difficult to understand her, but Clarke nodded dumbly, trying to follow along.

 

“How long have you been a designer?” Hannah asked suddenly.

 

“A few years. Around ten or so.” Clarke surprised herself by putting together her answer, she had been trembling with nerves.

 

“Have you ever designed for a celebrity?”

 

“I haven’t,” Clarke answered, pausing briefly before adding, “I’ve designed for tons of models, but I haven’t had the chance to design for a real celebrity.”

 

Hannah sat back then. Her hazel eyes were intimidating as she looked down at her notebook, scribbled something down, before looking back up at Clarke. She had an unreadable expression on her face and Clarke noticed how her chestnut hair was up in a tight bun, not a single stray hair was loose. 

 

Clarke knew that Hannah was older than her, but with the way she wore her makeup, she didn’t look a day over thirty.

 

Hannah had been quiet for a long time. She was simply watching Clarke before her eyes shifted to Raven as if she had just noticed she was here.

 

“And who is this?” Hannah asked, breaking the silence between them. Clarke looked over to Raven who was shoving food into her mouth and sighed inaudibly.

 

“Raven Reyes, ma’am.” Raven answered for herself, after swallowing down her food. “I don’t work for Clarke directly, but I help her organize all of her fashion shows and public outings.” 

 

“Interesting.” Hannah answered, in slight amusement. 

 

“I’ve been watching your work for quite some time and I have to say, I’m impressed,” Hannah turned her attention back over to Clarke. “Ariana has begged me to meet with you, so here I am. You’ve won countless awards, been on numerous billboards and you’re in charge of a multimillion dollar company.”

 

Clarke hadn’t put into perspective just how successful she had been. She couldn’t believe how all her hard work paid off. She had a dream and she was damned if anyone got in her way.

 

“You are quite the head turner.” Hannah concluded, thick in her accent. 

 

“Thank you.” Clarke replied and she could feel Raven’s smirk burning into the side of her face. She tried to shake it off. 

 

Hannah eyed her again. Clarke felt like she was under a microscope and all her flaws were way too big for someone like Ariana’s manager to handle. She wasn’t quite sure what she was getting out of this. She wasn’t quite sure what was going to happen, when Hannah spoke again.

 

“I just have one more question.” Hannah raised a perfectly manicured finger in the air and locked eyes with Clarke. By the look on Hannah’s face, Clarke wasn’t sure if she was going to like the question.

 

“That scandal that happened a few years back, is it true?” 

 

Clarke closed her eyes. She felt like her past was coming back to bite her in the ass. If she admitted it, she would probably be losing a deal of a lifetime, even if Hannah hadn’t offered her a job yet. This was simply a business meeting. If she didn’t admit it, she would be lying and probably would earn a reserved spot straight in Hell. 

 

“Yes.” Clarke sighed out. Hannah rushed to write something down, her face drawn in concern and Clarke was afraid she messed this all up. 

 

“Thank you, Ms. Griffin,” Hannah breathed out. “We’ll be in–“

 

“Can I just say,” Raven spoke up from where she was and Clarke groaned softly. “Clarke’s past does not define who she is right now.”

 

“I never said it did.”

 

“Your face says it right now. I was so happy to tell my best friend that you had stopped by. That you had wanted to meet with her. Don’t let one mistake–“

 

“Mistake?” Hannah frowned. “I think we all know that this wasn’t a mistake. A mistake is accidentally forgetting to put gas in your car on your way to work. You quickly figure out to always get gas before heading to work. This… _relationship_ was for a year or so. That was no mistake and that’ll be all for tonight.” 

 

Hannah gathered her stuff up quickly, before throwing a couple hundred dollar bills down on the table, Clarke didn’t even get a chance to explain herself. Raven watched with a crestfallen expression as Hannah walked out the door.

 

“It’s her fault. This entire meeting was weird. I wouldn’t even call it a meeting. It was more like an interrogation.” Raven muttered into her food. “At least she’s paying for it.”

 

“Raven, just…” Clarke stopped talking.

 

Why did everything, _every_ single fucking thing in her life come down to her? Why was she still ruining her life and she probably didn’t even know about it? Why did Clarke have to think about her every second of every day? Why did–

 

“Clarke.” Raven breathed out. She straightened up and cleared her throat. “I didn’t–“

 

“You didn’t do anything. All me.” Clarke sighed out in frustration. “Because I chose to do it. Because I chose to _love_ her and everything that I do now… it all seems to be about her.”

 

“Clarke.”

 

“You finish up. I need a cigarette.” Clarke said seriously as she stood up.

 

“Clarke!” She heard her best friend shout her name across the room of this very expensive restaurant, with people older than her that probably pulled money out of their ears. 

 

Clarke walked out into the fresh air and dug around in her purse. She searched and searched until she found what she was looking for. 

 

The pack was full. She hadn’t touched it, but she kept it in her purse at all times. She knew It was a dangerous move, but she hadn’t smoked in a year. 

 

She had managed to not touch a cigarette and was proud of herself because it was a long process. She didn’t think it could be done, but she was getting older and she couldn’t keep smoking the way she did. She still managed to smoke marijuana from time to time, but not nearly as much as she used to. 

 

Not smoking in over a year, was truly a huge accomplishment for Clarke. It was the one thing she had struggled with for the longest time, but now that she was standing here, looking across to the ocean shimmering under all the street lights, it didn’t sound so bad. 

 

Clarke could smoke away all the stress that had been building in her body for almost a year now. She would smoke away three years worth of heartache. 

 

She knew it was wrong. This was the furthest she had ever gotten. She had a pack of cigarettes wrapped firmly in her hands before she felt someone rip them away.

 

“Clarke!” Raven yelled. “What are you doing?”

 

“I wasn’t–“

 

“Bullshit! They are in your fucking hands! You said you threw these out. You haven’t touched them in a year. Are you lying about these too?” 

 

“Fuck you, Raven!” Clarke sneered and snatched the pack out of her hands.

 

“I can’t believe you. I can’t believe you after all the progress–“

 

“I wasn’t going to smoke it and I know I told you I threw them out. I know that you think I’m lying about everything, but I’m telling you I wasn’t going to smoke it. I was thinking about it and I also know that, that is bad but I wasn’t going to–“

 

“We don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe we should give it a couple of days.”

 

“I really love being dragged out of bed to meet with someone who looked like the British version of my mother to being questioned about her. I’ve been questioned enough about it.”

 

“Clarke–“ It sounded like a plea. It sounded like a concern, a question that Clarke didn’t want to answer. 

 

Clarke stared down at the cigarette pack in her hand and sighed.

 

“Let’s go home, Raven.” Clarke said. 

 

It pained her to do it. It pained her to let them go, but she hadn’t touched them in a year and she wasn’t going to start now. She dumped them in the trash can down the street from her car before climbing in and driving twenty miles per hour over the speed limit. 

 

The only thing Clarke could think about was the fact that if only Hannah had seen the mess she was in before she came to this meeting, then maybe she would reconsider signing her in the first place. It would have nothing to do with her and the situation she was in three years ago. 

 

Clarke sped down the road, knowing that the only person she had to blame for all this, was herself. 

 

* * *

 

 

“This hotel is _amazing_!” Ontari had exclaimed as she roamed around Lexa and Anya’s room.

 

They were away for a game and were staying for two days. Lexa put her bags down and looked around. There were floor to ceiling windows and Lexa walked over to them.

 

“We should totally go have some fun before curfew.” Anya said from beside Ontari and Lexa turned around and smirked.

 

“What kind of fun? Aren’t you taken?” 

 

“That doesn’t mean I can’t go out and drink with my friends. Maybe find someone for you to bone so you can stop acting so uptight.”

 

Lexa flipped her off in response. 

 

“Should we get the whole team together or should it just be us and Echo?” 

 

Lexa turned around, putting her hands in her pocket.

 

“Invite them.” Lexa shrugged before turning back around. There was a pizza place on the corner she could see from the room and thought about all the times she had hung out with Clarke and pizza was involved.

 

She didn’t think anyone loved pizza more than her, but she had been mistaken. She couldn’t count how many pies Clarke had eaten by herself and chuckled to herself.

 

“What are you smiling about?” Anya asked warily as she looked her over. Her best friend had a goofy little smile on her face that was wiped off the second Anya spoke.

 

She wasn’t going to let them know that she was thinking about Clarke. It was something that happened a lot lately. Anything could happen, she could see a bird or a plane and it would somehow make her think of Clarke. It was annoying if Lexa was being honest because Clarke was seeing someone and it wasn’t her.

 

“Nothing. We should get a move on. Curfew is in a couple hours.”

 

* * *

 

 

They found a club a couple blocks over. The music was too loud and the people were annoying. Lexa concluded that Miami wasn’t a place for her. It was hot as hell down here, hotter than it was in North Carolina and Lexa didn’t think that was possible. 

 

It was hot and humid in the club and there was sweat dripping down her back. She had a couple drinks already. Anya clearly had way more than her and was dancing like a horse with its head chopped off on the dance floor. Echo was around her, making sure no one got too handsy with their tipsy friend. 

 

Lexa took one more glance, making sure her friends were all right before heading out back.

 

She immediately breathed easier and her head fell back against the bricks with a loud thud.

 

“Oh!” Someone squealed and Lexa shot her eyes open. She rounded the trash can to find Morgan smoking a joint, her drink in the other hand.

 

“Jesus, Morgan. You scared me.”

 

“Yeah. Same.” Morgan breathed out. Lexa looked around her for a moment. It was pitched black outside. The only light coming from a street light down at the end of the alley.

 

It smelt like moldy trash and Lexa was aware they could get mugged at any moment, but she stayed where she was.

 

“You could sit down. I don’t bite.” Morgan said after a moment of watching Lexa awkwardly stand next to her. Lexa nodded once before crouching down to sit. 

 

“Want one? I got some from a dealer back on campus before we left.”

 

“You could get in so much trouble if you get caught with that.” Lexa said seriously. “Coach is already eyeing us like hawks.”

 

“Well maybe if you didn’t give me a black eye, he wouldn’t be watching us, but I think he would be proud right now. We are sharing a bench and neither one of us has threatened to kill the other.”

 

“That’s because I’m not in the mood tonight.” Lexa tried to joke, but her voice just sounded small and distant.

 

Morgan sucked in another breath of her joint before disposing it.

 

“Want to talk about it?” Morgan offered and Lexa eyed her suspiciously.

 

“I’m high so I’m all ears.” Morgan giggled but Lexa just shook her head.

 

“Not really in the mood to talk either.”

 

“Then what are you in the mood for?” 

 

Lexa thought about it for a moment. There was something she was in the mood for, but it wasn’t going to happen with Morgan. There was no way it could. She couldn’t even call Morgan a friend, but Lexa had realized that she didn’t need to be friends with them in order to do this.

 

She looked over at Morgan, who was nodding her head along to the music blaring from inside. Lexa took one look at her and knew that she was gone. It couldn’t happen with her and Lexa wasn’t entirely sure she wanted it to happen with her. It would just complicate things tremendously. 

 

Lexa shook her head with a frown. This was what she got for not getting laid in so long. Was she really sitting here thinking about hooking up with one of her teammates who happened to be high right now? Lexa seriously needed to get it together.

 

“Lexa!” Echo randomly appeared in the alley way. “Single Ladies just came on and Anya is losing her mind.”

 

Lexa groaned because for some reason that song brought out Anya’s wild side, especially when she was drunk. Lexa looked over to Morgan who waved her hands.

 

“Go, go! I’m too high to move right now.”

 

Lexa let out a chuckle before getting up and dashing inside. 

 

* * *

 

 

After forcing Anya out of the club, because she insisted that she needed another drink and practically dragging her back to the hotel, Lexa finally got Anya into bed. It took a lot of pushing and shoving, Anya kept saying how she had more dancing in her, but Lexa was certain she had danced enough for the rest of February. 

 

“Mmph.” Anya moaned out as she collided with her bed. Lexa hadn’t seen Anya get this drunk in a while. They had a game tomorrow afternoon and prayed that Anya would be better by then. 

 

“I miss you.” Anya spoke in her ear as Lexa was removing her clothes. Lexa frowned down at her. 

 

“Anya, we see each other every day.” Lexa pointed out, removing Anya’s shoes and sliding her jeans down her legs.

 

“Yeah, but,” Anya whined as Lexa lifted up her torso so she could take off her shirt. Lexa walked away to get some night clothes out of Anya’s bag and helped her put them on. “I miss you. I miss all the fun we used to have. All the trouble we could get into. You aren’t the same. She did something to you. What happened? Why are you here, but not here?” 

 

“Anya…” Lexa sighed out. “You’re drunk and–“

 

“I just want you to be happy because you deserve it and because I love you.” Anya was rambling now and Lexa shook her head. 

 

“We can talk in the morning.”

 

“I may be drunk but I’ll remember this,” Anya slurred as she yanked the covers over her. “I’ll remember it because you always act like you are okay and you’re not. You’re hurt and you won’t let me help you. Why won’t you let me help you?”

 

Lexa waited a moment to respond. Honestly, so maybe Anya could fall asleep and she wouldn’t have to have this conversation. 

 

“I won’t let you help me, because I’m fine.”

 

Anya didn’t respond and Lexa thought she got off the hook because she fell asleep. She slowly moved away from the bed so she could get ready for bed as well. 

 

It wasn’t until Lexa was laying down in bed, her eyes closed, drifting off to sleep, when Anya’s voice made her jerk awake.

 

“Liar.”

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke had just popped off the cork to the champagne. Although this was not something to celebrate about, it was the only drink she had left in her fridge. 

 

“And she just walked away?”

 

Finn was here. After the failed meeting, it was the push Clarke needed to not trail behind in her work. She hadn’t missed a day of work in over two weeks and honestly, that was self–improvement. 

 

This was also the first time she had allowed Finn over since her emotional outburst. She didn’t tell Finn about it, she had just made excuses and told him she was crazy busy with work, when it was quite the opposite. Telling Finn things, just wasn’t something Clarke did. She was surprised that she even told him about this, but Finn looked happy that she was opening up about it. 

 

“I mean, I didn’t really… I could’ve… maybe I should’ve… _tried_ harder.”

 

“And you think that would change the outcome?” Finn asked curiously. Clarke handed him a glass of champagne and sat down on the opposite end of the couch.

 

“I don’t know. I don’t know anything right now. I didn’t know what she wanted. I… it really was more like an interrogation than anything. I wouldn’t be surprised if she sold that information to the tabloids and I become the front page of every scandal magazine again.”

 

“Hey,” Finn scooted closer to her, putting a hand on her thigh. His hands were really rough and even though she played basketball all the time, _her_ hands were always so, so soft. It took everything in Clarke not to scoot away from Finn. “That’s in the past now. It’s over with and everyone has moved on.”

 

“Mhm.” Clarke hummed, busying herself by taking a sip of her drink. 

 

“But how cool would that be?” Finn chuckled to himself. “I would be dating a fashion designer for Ariana Grande. Just imagine how much money you would be making.”

 

Clarke wanted to scream. She wanted to yell that it wasn’t about the money. It never was and Finn never seemed to understand that.

 

 _She_ understood it. Lexa always seemed to understand how much this meant to her and Finn just couldn’t understand that it had nothing to do with how much money was in her bank account, it had everything to do with the fact that this was what made her happy. It was something Clarke was very passionate about, but all Finn could see was money signs. 

 

Another reason why she didn’t like talking about her career with Finn. 

 

But he was there. After a couple years of being on her own. How long was she supposed to wait? Finn reached out to her. Finn tried to cheer her up and she fell for it. She didn’t necessarily fall for him, but the idea of him. At first, he really did make her laugh but now, all she wanted to do was scream.

 

Scream, because Finn didn’t understand. Scream, because Finn didn’t realize that this couldn’t possibly be about money. Scream, because he didn’t understand her the way _she_ did. Scream, because maybe she really _wasn’t_ happy. 

 

“Hey, we could watch a movie to distract you?”

 

Clarke also wanted to scream because Finn hadn’t managed to make her laugh this entire evening and while it may not seem like a big deal, it was to her. 

 

Lexa would’ve made her laugh by now. She would’ve cracked a stupid joke or do just about anything to get Clarke to laugh. She once did the worm when she was having a hard time figuring out a design. A movie wasn’t going to distract her. It was only going to make her think and the more she thought, the more she realized maybe… maybe she wasn’t ha–

 

“Clarke?” 

 

“Yeah, a movie sounds fine,” Clarke lied. “I’ll deal with all of this stuff later and if I never hear back from Hannah then I guess it’s her loss.”

 

“That’s the spirit.” Finn smiled at her, but she couldn’t muster one back. So, she just sipped her drink while Finn turned the movie on.

 

* * *

 

 

The northern part of campus had been undergoing construction for the past couple of weeks. It was mid–March and it had been weeks of hearing nothing, but saws and heavy machinery. It was a pain whenever Anya went to the library, which was all the way on the east side of campus, she could still her them banging and drilling into God knows what. 

 

Anya had her headphones in, her hands tucked into her dark green jacket. Her music was blasting to drown out the sounds of them working against the pavement. 

 

It was Friday afternoon and Anya was so glad that the weekend was here. She didn’t have another class until Monday night and she felt liberated that she could relax for the majority of the weekend. 

 

She knew there would be a party. She knew that she would have to put on her happy face and cheer her best friend up as much as she could this weekend.

 

Anya was getting ready to walk into a taco shop, when her phone rang through her earphones.

 

“Hello?” Anya answered without pulling her phone out to look at who was calling her. She already had a feeling she knew who it was.

 

“Babe!” Raven screeched into the phone. It slightly scared Anya how distressed her girlfriend sounded, but this was the same girl that would call her five times in a row and scream and cry to her on the phone because she sliced her finger on a piece of paper. Anya had no idea what was going on.

 

“Raven?” Anya frowned. “What’s wrong?” 

 

Anya also hated how she didn’t know what was wrong and she couldn’t physically be there to stop whatever was happening, whether it was good or bad. She hated that she couldn’t comfort a sobbing Raven because she got a paper cut or because she burnt her toast because she tried to brush her teeth at the same time. There were a lot of things that Anya had missed, like just being around her girlfriend every day.

 

“Fuck! Don’t do that!” Raven had yelled to someone else, Anya heard something shatter against the floor. “Why is there so much fucking water?”

 

“Raven, please!” She heard someone moan into the background and Anya was really starting to get worried.

 

“Raven, babe, what’s… what’s happening?” Anya turned around and started heading to her dorm. If something bad was happening, she wanted to be close to Lexa. 

 

“It’s Octavia! She– would you stop screaming?! I’ll call Clarke after I finish talking to my girlfriend!” Raven shouted and Anya could hear the cries and whimpers coming from Octavia.

 

“Babe, her water broke. She’s going into labor and I would really like it if you could come down here for the weekend to see it. You can even bring Lexa and she can stay at the apartment with— yes! I’m almost done! Just give me a few more minutes– gesh, pregnant woman, am I right? Anyways, would you like to come to New York and see Octavia’s newborn baby?” 

 

* * *

 

 

Anya came bursting into her dorm room, completely unaffected by Lexa's nudity. 

 

“Anya, Jesus!” 

 

Lexa’s hair was soaking wet and wrapped up in a towel. Anya looked at her before rushing over to her closet.

 

“Get some clothes! Get your shoes! We need to move!” Anya finally said as she was shoving things into her suitcase. Lexa looked on in confusion and shook her head.

 

“I have a quiz on Monday that my professor keeps saying we don’t have, but we have one every Monday and I _cannot_ fail it!” Lexa protested, sliding her boxers on. “I don’t know where you’re going, but have fun.”

 

Anya fixed her a look and slammed her suitcase down on the floor, completely filled with items she’ll need over the weekend.

 

“I’m going to New York.” Anya spoke, her face confident, though her voice trembled slightly.

 

Lexa turned around, looking at Anya with wide eyes. They both knew what was in New York, _who_ was in New York. They both knew the last time Lexa went to New York, her heart got broken. So, why would Lexa want to go back?

 

“I don’t… I don’t under–“

 

“Octavia is going into labor. Bellamy will be there and I want you to come with me. I don’t want to travel alone.”

 

Anya knew that she just needed to say it. It was simple. Lexa wouldn’t have any room to argue and Anya would literally drag Lexa to New York kicking and screaming if she had to. This could be her chance, her only chance to finally get these two idiots in the same room together.

 

They were going for Octavia, they really were. They knew Octavia personally, she was Bellamy’s older sister and if Anya was being honest, she was a bit excited to see the new baby. But she was more excited to mend this broken heart, her best friend was convincing her so hard she didn’t have.

 

“I’m not going to New York.”

 

Anya sighed. She suspected this, but that didn’t mean she was going to give up. 

 

She walked up to their small closet, pulled out the other suitcase and walked over to Lexa’s dresser.

 

“Anya!” 

 

“I’ll touch your boxers, I don’t care! I’ll touch your socks! I’ll grab it all until you agree to come with me to New York.”

 

“You are being ridiculous. I’m not going! You know she is there. This is stupid.”

 

“No, what’s stupid, is that you won’t come to New York to see the birth of a woman who has constantly been there for you, who is one of your best friend’s sister, someone who I know would want you there. What’s stupid, is that you can’t think of someone else other than yourself, or Clarke for more than five minutes to realize that I’m not asking you to come to New York for her. I’m asking you to come for me and Octavia.” 

 

It was a little bit of reverse psychology, Anya had to admit it, but she watched in satisfaction as her best friend mulled over her words and was actually considering it. 

 

Anya felt bad. Of course, they were going for Octavia and to see Bellamy again, but Anya also wanted Lexa to go so she could see Clarke. Anya knew Clarke was going to be there, how could she not? And clearly, Lexa knew too but Anya watched with a small smirk when Lexa finally relaxed her shoulders.

 

“Fine,” Anya danced a little on the inside. “I’ll go.”

 

And thank Jesus, because if Anya had to listen to her best friend flipping through that damn magazine that she pretended she didn’t know existed and cry one more night, Anya was truly going to lose it.

 

This was all Anya wanted, a chance to get them together again. She wasn’t sure she would ever get this chance again. They literally went completely out of their ways to never be in contact with each other.

 

This was Anya’s one and only shot to fix Lexa’s broken heart and she had to try and hide her smile the entire way to the train station. 

 

It was time to get to work.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter, y'all finally get some insight as to what happened between Clexa 3 years ago. It doesn't answer all the questions but I think it starts to make more sense.
> 
> The next couple chapters are pretty emotionally driven and it's gonna get kinda bad before it gets better hehehe. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
>  
> 
> Follow me on tumblr if you have any questions,  
> rebelguitargirl

 

* * *

 

 

_“Who is he?” Lexa asked. “Or she?”_

 

_Anya was walking with her phone in her hand, texting Raven as they walked through the train station. Anya looked over to Lexa before looking back down at her phone._

 

_“What are you talking about now?” Anya sighed, finishing up a text to Raven and shoving her phone in her pocket._

 

_Lexa stopped for a moment. They both had a couple minutes before their train took off and Lexa repeated her question._

 

_“I know there is probably zero chance that I’ll run into her, but in the off–chance that I do, I want to know: who is she seeing? Or he? Or whatever the fuck their pronouns are.”_

 

_Anya’s eyes widened as she looked toward the display board. Their train would be taking off in exactly three minutes._

 

_“Lexa.”_

 

_“Anya, just tell me.”_

 

_“It’s Finn,” Anya breathed out. “She’s seeing Fi–“_

 

_But Anya couldn’t finish her sentence as Lexa picked up her bags and threw them over her shoulder with more force than needed._

 

_Anya watched as her best friend stormed away from her._

 

* * *

 

 

“So it’s totally cool if you crash with us this weekend.” Raven said as she drove down the street. She had just picked both of them up and after the events that happened this morning, she was glad to see her girlfriend. “I have more than enough room.”

 

“Oh no, I wouldn’t want to impose.” Lexa shook her head. 

 

“You wouldn’t be imposing at all.” Raven reassured her, but Lexa made a face.

 

“I really don’t think I want to sleep across the hall from you guys doing it. I can just rent a hotel for a couple nights.”

 

“Lexa, I would feel terrible if you wasted your money doing that. I’ve learned to cook a lot since working at Octavia’s restaurant and I have more than enough room. You are staying with me and Anya.”

 

“And she has spoken.” Anya snickered from the passenger seat. “Lexa, for the sake of my sex life, please don’t argue with her.”

 

“Okay.” Lexa smiled slowly. 

 

“She has an Xbox and I’m totally kicking your ass in Call of Duty.”

 

Lexa rolled her eyes, clutching her bag close to her. “We’ll see about that.”

 

Lexa watched as Anya wrapped an arm around Raven’s neck and pulled her in for a kiss. Raven kept her eyes on the road the entire time, but kissed her best friend noisily. Lexa watched in absolute disgust.

 

And then she watched on in jealousy, as Anya laughed at something Raven pointed out on the side of the road and joked about. She watched in envy as Raven reached over and took Anya’s hands in hers. 

 

Lexa couldn’t count how many times her and Clarke had held hands while they were driving, it made Lexa frown. Anya kissed the top of Raven’s forehead, giggling against her. Anya looked so happy, in complete bliss and Lexa had to do it. She just had to wonder what it would be like.

 

Would she feel like a weight being lifted off her chest by seeing her again? Would she kiss her over and over and hold her hand while driving? Would they go back to her penthouse and have really passionate sex?

 

Would she finally feel happy again?

 

“I think she’s broken. She doesn’t like PDA, although she used to do it a ton.” Anya whispered to her girlfriend once she pulled into her designated parking spot at her apartment complex. Lexa was looking straight ahead but not at them. _Through_ them. 

 

“Babe, I really think she’s in another dimension. Look, she’s not even following my finger.”

 

“Lexa!” Anya yelled at her, even though she was right in front of her face. Lexa jumped when she heard Anya’s voice and snapped her eyes to her.

 

“What?” Lexa asked incredulously.

 

“We’ve been calling your name and you haven’t responded once. Everything okay?” Anya asked slowly as Raven put her car in park and they all tumbled out of it. 

 

“Fine.” Lexa muttered and went to retrieve the rest of her bags from the trunk, her heart pounding the entire time. 

 

* * *

 

 

_“Jesus, I’ve been looking all over for you.” Anya said, completely out of breath. Lexa had rushed away so fast, Anya had no idea where she went. She had looked all over the train and found Lexa sitting in the back with her headphones in._

 

_Lexa didn’t say anything and Anya was positive that she couldn’t even hear her. Anya sighed before sitting down next to her angry best friend._

 

* * *

 

 

“So here’s the bathroom. Feel free to use it whenever. I have another in my room and yeah, that’s pretty much it.” Raven had showed Lexa around and Anya was lounging around on the couch like it was her own home. (It basically was).

 

“Thanks for letting me crash here.”

 

“Well, it was a pretty last minute thing and we didn’t have much time to plan so it’s alright.”

 

“We should get washed up and then go to the hospital.” Anya suggested with her eyes closed, hands resting behind her head.

 

“Yeah, I’m going to take a shower, if that’s okay?” 

 

Raven giggled before walking over and sitting next to Anya on the couch, putting her feet in her lap.

 

“Babe, can you please tell your friend that she doesn’t have to check in with us for everything she does. Think of this space as a space of her own and she is welcomed to anything.”

 

“Did you hear everything she just said?” Anya asked, popping one eye open and looking up at Lexa who was standing in the walkway.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Follow it and go away so I can kiss my girlfriend.” 

 

Lexa smirked thinly at them before turning on her heel, trying to drown out the kissing noises.

 

Anya had trailed a line of kisses down Raven’s neck before nibbling her ear.

 

“Okay, but wait,” Raven sighed out. “I’ve been having trouble with that shower head lately. I think you need to show Lexa how to work it so she doesn’t break it.”

 

“Okay, one more kiss.” Anya puckered her lips up, but Raven shoved her away.

 

“You’ll get a kiss when I know your very strong best friend won’t destroy my shower because she can’t work it.”

 

Anya sighed dramatically before pretending to struggle to get up.

 

“As you wish,” Anya said.”But you owe me.”

 

Anya took her time walking over to the bathroom. She would have to admit that even she had trouble turning the knob on. But she also knew how frustrated her friend could get when things didn’t work the way she wanted them to, and knew it was best to go show her.

 

Anya had just opened the door to the bathroom, when her eyes connected with something black and swollen.

 

“Jesus, Anya!” Lexa screeched. “Don’t you knock!”

 

“Christ, Lexa. You sound like a little five year old girl!” Raven yelled from the front room. 

 

Anya quickly closed the door and got a closer look at her friend’s body. Lexa was trying to cover herself as much as she could. Her dick was out, but she was trying to cover her tattoo as well.

 

“What the fuck is that?” Anya was pointing to her rib cage. “Is that… _her_ _name_?! When the hell did you do that?”

 

“Are you going to show me how to work this damn thing?” Lexa retorted, but Anya had a very serious look in her eye and Lexa sighed. 

 

“Just a couple weeks ago.”

 

“Does your mom know?”

 

“No! Or else I would be dead right now.”

 

“Lexa, tell me you didn’t,” Anya said seriously. She had wanted them back together. Hell, she was their number one fan, but something about this didn’t sit right with Anya. “This doesn’t come off. What happens when you realize you don’t want her name on you anymore then what?”

 

“Seriously, Anya. It’s cold and I just want to shower really quick.”

 

Anya huffed, walked over and maneuvered the knob so it would turn on and stay on before rounding on Lexa again.  

 

“This doesn’t come off.” Anya noted and Lexa was still trying to cover herself because Anya was very, very close to her. She had both her hands covering her junk.

 

“I’m quite aware of that, Anya. That’s why most people get tattoos because it’s permanent.”

 

“After all the crying, yelling, fighting, this is what you go and do? Do you feel better now?”

 

“Anya, stop it. You wouldn’t understand.”

 

“Then help me understand,” Anya shouted. “Help me understand what was going through your mind when you decided to get your ex–girlfriend’s name tattooed on the side of your body inside of what looks like a broken infinity sign? Help me understand that.”

 

Lexa stood there for a moment, thinking of how to explain this before she just sighed and let her shoulders drop.

 

“I can’t.” Lexa whispered. “Please, don’t tell anyone and please just let me shower.”

 

Anya finally relented, mostly because too many things were going through her head. She left the bathroom with a frown on her face. 

 

* * *

 

 

_“Would you just talk to me? It will be the longest train journey in the world if we spend it in silence. Look, I got those finger sandwiches you like so much.” Anya tried to make conversation. She tried to pull her best friend from the inner turmoil that was her brain._

 

_“Lexa.” Anya sighed. “Lexa.”_

 

_“Lexa. Lexa. Lexa.” Anya repeated over and over. “Lexa! Lexa! Lexa! Lexa! Lexa! I’m not going to stop until you talk to me! Lexa! Lexa! Lexa! Le–“_

 

 _“Would you_ **_shut_ ** _up?” Lexa yanked her headphones out of her ears and glared at Anya._

 

_“Finally!” Anya threw her hands up and smirked, before looking at Lexa more seriously._

 

_“Can you talk to me?”_

 

_“I don’t want to talk about it.” Lexa said moodily. “I want that sandwich.”_

 

_“It’s yours.” Anya held it out for her, and as Lexa reached for it, she yanked it out of her reach._

 

_“Anya!” Lexa protested in annoyance._

 

 _“We have to talk about this. Mainly, because my girlfriend might kill me because I promised I wouldn’t say who it was, but also because we_ **_need_ ** _to talk about this.”_

 

_“There’s nothing to say.” Lexa said after a minute. Anya gave in, and gave Lexa the sandwich._

 

_It was quiet for a few minutes. People were making conversation around them and the train was squealing as it zipped down the track. Anya waited a few minutes before Lexa spoke again._

 

_“I mean, I just don’t… Finn? The guy who coached us? A guy I looked up to? A guy that was supposed to be looking out for me?” Lexa chuckled into her sandwich. “How’s that for a fuck you? ‘I loved coaching you and I knew you were dating her, but I never said anything, oh and by the way, I’m fucking her now because you two broke up. Hope to hear from you soon’.”_

 

_Anya was just glad Lexa wasn’t breaking anything right now._

 

_“I can’t fucking believe this. This is fucking humiliating. So, did she like him this entire time? Was I too blinded by her fucking smile to realize that she liked him?”_

 

_“I don’t think it was like that.” Anya finally cut in._

 

_“Then tell me how it is.”_

 

_“I don’t know!” Anya said. “Raven just told me that they’re a thing now and I don’t know the extent of it. I just know that it’s happening and you needed to know.”_

 

_Lexa finished her sandwich before putting her headphones back in._

 

_She didn’t want to talk about it._

 

_“Oh no! Not again!” Anya tried to stop it but Lexa shouldered her._

 

_“Lexa! Lexa! Lexa! Lexa!”_

 

* * *

 

 

When Lexa got out of the shower, her bones felt more relaxed. The shampoo Raven had was very different from herself, but still smelled good nonetheless.

 

She heard giggling, followed by a moan when she stepped into the hallway. She grimaced before quickly walking into the guest room. Once she was dressed, she came back out to the kitchen. It was small and there was a blue streak of paint covering the very plain walls near the refrigerator. 

 

Lexa grabbed a bottle of water and popped a bag of popcorn, wondering when they were going to see Octavia. She was excited to finally see her again. She hadn’t seen her since last summer. She hung out with Bellamy tons that summer and it was nice to be back with the people she was comfortable with. She had met a lot of new people at college, but she also wanted to stay in touch with her friends from high school. 

 

When her bag of popcorn was done and she was getting ready to head into the front room, she heard a buzzing noise. Lexa patted her pockets trying to find her phone and when she pulled it out, she frowned when she realized it wasn’t her phone that was ringing. 

 

Lexa turned around, and found Raven’s phone lighting up. She turned around again, hoping that Raven would magically hear it, but when all Lexa heard was more high–pitched giggling and moaning, she looked at the caller ID. 

 

**_Clarke Griffin <3_ **

 

Lexa’s skin paled and she dropped the bag of popcorn. Clarke was calling her? Well, not _her_ , but Raven. Clarke was calling Raven? For what? Should Lexa answer? Should she ignore it? 

 

The longer the buzzing went on, the more Lexa was having a panic attack. 

 

She couldn’t pick up the phone. They hadn’t talked in two years and Lexa wasn’t ready to open up that line of communication again. Just the thought of it, had her hyperventilating. 

 

Lexa finally let out a breath when she realized the phone had stopped buzzing. 

 

She wondered what it would be like. To hear her voice again. It had been so long and for some reason, she craved to hear it now. Did it change? Was it still the same raspy voice? Did her laugh change? Did her mannerism change?

 

Lexa realized she knew nothing about her anymore. She could be the same woman she had dated, but Lexa knew so much of her had changed. It had to, because when they broke up, Lexa surely wasn’t the same girl she was when she dated her. 

 

Lexa was getting ready to pick up the popcorn she had spilled on the floor when the phone rang again. Lexa groaned and picked up the phone. There was a moment, a slight moment where she hesitated to answer the phone. Her thumb hovered over the answer button before she sighed deeply. She couldn’t do this. 

 

She walked as quickly as she could down the hall. She knocked loudly on the door twice before entering and throwing the phone in Raven’s direction. 

 

Only, Lexa had her hands covering her eyes and Raven’s phone landed nowhere near her.

 

“Lexa!” Raven called out, but it wasn’t because her phone had collided with her bedside table and then fell on the floor, it was because she didn’t have a shirt on and Anya was caressing her breasts.

 

“I’m sorry to just barge in! Clarke was calling you and I– I’m not– she was calling and I’m not– I don’t think she wants– she was calling you.” Lexa finished lamely before leaving the room in embarrassment. 

 

Raven quickly got dressed before going over and picking up her phone. 

 

* * *

 

 

“And it was so gross, babe!” Raven exclaimed from where she was on the floor. “I’ve never seen a woman’s water break before and she was yelling and screaming and I was trying to call Lincoln but I also wanted to call you.” 

 

“Has she given birth yet?” Anya knew that with them having to travel up here it took some time. She still hadn’t seen Octavia yet and wanted to know if she had her baby yet. 

 

“Yes! That’s why we need to hurry up and find this present so we can go see the chubby monster.” 

 

“Do you know it’s name?” 

 

“It’s a girl and they liked the name Leah, but I’m not sure if they went with it or not.” 

 

“Are you almost done? I just promised Lexa it wasn’t going to take long.” They were currently in Clarke’s penthouse. She was still stuck at work and the minute she was done, she was going to go to the hospital, but she had a present for Octavia and the baby she wanted to give to her. 

 

“Leave it up to Clarke to hide a present she knew Octavia’s pregnant ass wasn’t even thinking about. Although, if Octavia did find it, she totally would’ve snooped, but this,” Raven huffed. “She can be so extra sometimes.” 

 

Raven stopped talking for a minute. She was flat on her stomach, feeling around under Clarke’s bed. She said she hid it under it but Raven hadn’t felt a thing yet. 

 

“Ah ha!” Raven had felt around for another minute, when her fingers collided against a box. She quickly pulled it out when her hand knocked against something metal. 

 

“What was what?” Anya asked skeptically.

 

Raven pulled out the rusty old metal box and looked up at Anya with a frown. 

 

“I’ve never seen this box before.”  

 

Raven handed the wrapped box over to Anya and shook the metal box, hearing something rattle inside of it.

 

“I’m her best friend. I know everything about her. What the hell is this?” 

 

Anya just shrugged because she had no idea what that box was and because she wanted to hurry this up so they could leave. She knew Lexa was hating every second she was here right now. 

 

“I don’t think you should snoop.”

 

“I’m not snooping. I’m just taking a gander to see what’s inside.”

 

“That’s literally what snooping is, babe.” Anya chuckled and she knew Raven was trying to hold back. She was trying to restrain herself from ripping off the lid and figuring out what secret her best friend had that was lying within.

 

“I’d feel so bad opening it, but she hasn’t– it hasn’t exactly been easy and I knew she was hiding something, even though she tells me almost everything.” 

 

After a few more minutes of Raven contemplating whether or not she should open it, Anya sighed. 

 

“Open it.” Anya instructed, moving closer to her girlfriend.

 

“Really?”

 

“I don’t know, but I know you and I know you won’t stop until you find out what’s in it.” 

 

Raven didn’t need to hear anymore. She already had her fingers pushing against the lock to open it. Inside, there was a cluster of letters all addressed to Jake Griffin. 

 

Raven hesitated only for a second before opening the first one she saw and reading it out loud. 

 

_Hi Daddy,_

 

_It’s been a couple days since you passed. I miss you so much! I’ve been spending time with Lexa. She’s been so patient with me. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky, dad. Today we went to the park. Just me and her and fuck, dad. (Also, pardon my language). When I tell you it’s when I'm with Lexa that I'm the happiest I’ve been since you’ve left me, I mean it. She manages to put the biggest smile on my face and I don’t think she understand just how much she means to me. It’s hard without you here. I look to you in everything I do. I fixed my TV yesterday when it was having some wiring problems and I wanted to call you and tell you all about it, but then I remembered that you weren’t here and that happiness I felt when I was with Lexa faded. It’s like, I’m only happy when she’s around and I know how unhealthy that is, but I think I’m in love with her dad. I think I’ve spilled enough secrets for today. I’ll write you again tomorrow._

 

_Love always,_

_Clarke_

 

“Wow.” Anya breathed out, listening intently. Raven had tears welling up in her eyes before shoving the letter back in the envelope and kicking the box under the bed.

 

“We should leave and forget that happened.” Raven muttered and Anya was already nodding.

 

As if things weren’t complicated enough, they had to find letters Clarke was writing to her deceased father about her best friend.

 

“Agreed.” Anya huffed as they quickly left the penthouse, finally on their way to the hospital. 

 

* * *

 

 

_The train was a few stops from New York City. Anya was thrumming with excitement and Lexa had her eyes closed with her head resting against the window, but she wasn’t asleep. Somewhere along the way, Anya reached out to her and they’d been holding hands ever since._

 

_“Will you ever tell me what happened?”_

 

_Lexa already knew what she was referring to and she didn’t know what to say. Should she tell the truth or should she just leave it alone because it already happened and nothing could change it._

 

_“I went up there,” Lexa whispered. “I went up there after our freshman year to try to talk things out. To tell her that I missed her. To try and fix things.”_

 

_The train had two more stops and then they needed to get off._

 

_“I told her I loved her. I told her that I wanted to work things out. That I was ready,” Lexa had tears running down her face and she didn’t care who saw them. “But she didn’t want to hear any of it. She was mad, Anya. So mad and I understood because I was mad too and I never understood how in some romantic movies how the two stars could love and hate each other simultaneously but I felt it at that moment. I loved her, Anya but I fucking hated her at the same time.”_

 

_Anya gasped from where she was. While she didn’t get the full story, she finally had enough to understand why Lexa was holding such a grudge over the blonde woman._

 

_“She broke my fucking heart, Anya and now she’s fucking my coach. I can’t see her this weekend.”_

 

_“You won’t. Raven and I have made it very clear that we will try to get you guys to see the baby at different times. You don’t have to see her if you are not ready,” Anya squeezed Lexa’s hand. “And thank you. I know how hard it is for you to open up and I’m really glad you did.”_

 

_“Me too.” Lexa said after a moment, the train finally reaching their stop. “Me too.”_

 

* * *

 

 

The last time Lexa was in the hospital was because someone had been taken from this earth far too soon. It amazed Lexa that she was here for the complete opposite reason: a life was bringing brought into the earth.

 

Lexa’s breathing was shallow as she walked down the hall. She could faintly hear the cries of other babies on this floor and lots of screaming. It made Lexa cringe and walk quicker down the hall. 

 

Anya was standing outside the room, talking to Raven as Lexa approached them. 

 

“You can go in, she’s not here.” Raven said as Lexa stepped up to them. She nodded before walking inside.

 

“Lexa!” Bellamy exclaimed as he stood up. Lexa smiled warmly before walking over and hugging him.

 

“Hey, Bells.” Lexa whispered into his chest. He was taller than when she last saw him. “It’s so good to see you.”

 

“You as well. Come on, come meet my niece.” Bellamy rushed as they walked over to Octavia, who was sweaty. Her hair was sticking to her forehead and she looked completely exhausted and somehow extremely beautiful at the same time.

 

“Hey, O.” Lexa greeted as she sat down next to the bed. 

 

“I was wondering when you were going to come see us. Although I know why Raven took her time. She freaked out worse than I did.” Octavia spoke softly and was rocking her newborn baby in her arms. 

 

She was wearing a small pink hat that matched the pink onesie that she was in. Her eyes were closed and she only had a little bit of hair poking out of the hat. 

 

“Wow, Octavia. She really is… beautiful.” Lexa breathed as she looked over the baby, wondering how someone could be so tiny. 

 

“Thank you, Lexa.” Octavia smiled warmly. 

 

There was a pause; so much unspoken things between too many people in the room. Raven and Anya had joined them and Lexa swallowed as Octavia spoke again.

 

“Would you like to hold her?” Octavia asked and it took a minute, but Lexa eventually nodded.

 

She had never held someone this tiny before. Actually, she had never held a baby before in her life and would this had been where she was in her life had she said yes to Clarke?

 

Would Clarke be pregnant right now? Would they be happy, bringing a new life into the world? Would the ache in Lexa’s chest finally stop?

 

Lexa didn’t know why but as she sat down, with the baby in her arms, a tear fell out of her eyes. She looked up to the dad, Lincoln, and smiled. 

 

“She’s so beautiful.” Lexa cried out.

 

“I know right.” Lincoln murmured, a bright smile on his face. “She’s going to be so loved.”

 

“What’s her name?”

 

“Leah. Leah Octavia Blake.” 

 

“Beautiful.” 

 

While Lexa was focusing on holding the baby properly, she failed to miss the way Raven had looked behind her. How Anya had paled a little bit.

 

“Hey, listen–“

 

Before Octavia could get the words out, the door to Octavia’s room came flying open and there she was.

 

Her head thrown back, laughing with whoever she was with. She was looking down at her phone so she didn’t see her, but when Lexa saw her, her entire body felt stiff and the baby starting squirming around in her arms, trying to find the comfort she had felt seconds before. 

 

Lexa didn’t hear her because she was so caught up in the baby, but she knew that laugh. God, she knew it so well, the raspiness of it still sent a chill down her spine. It hadn’t changed at all. 

 

The baby started wailing in Lexa’s arms and Octavia reached out for her. 

 

“Here let me see her.” Octavia said, but she also knew Lexa was seconds from bolting. 

 

She couldn’t be here anymore. 

 

Not because she hated her.

 

It was quite the opposite, actually.

 

It was because Clarke could still capture anyone’s attention with her raspy laugh or the way Clarke still wore heels everywhere she went. Or how no matter how much Lexa held her breath, she could smell Clarke’s perfume, clouding up the room. 

 

Lexa couldn’t do this. She wasn’t ready. Just like that one night Lexa came up here to see Clarke, she wasn’t ready for the awkward looks, the unspoken truth, the love Lexa still had for her after all this time.

 

Lexa couldn’t be here.

 

And it wasn’t until Clarke heard the baby cry that she finally looked up. 

 

“I’m so sorry I’m late. I–“ Clarke rushed toward Octavia, but the second she saw Lexa, her steps came to a halt.

 

This was what Lexa was trying to avoid. She had no idea how they ended up in the room at the same time, Anya had promised it wouldn’t happen, but when did anything ever go Lexa’s way?  

 

“Lexa!” Abby gushed with surprised. “It’s so good to see you.” 

 

Lexa swallowed hard. She had barely heard what Abby had said. She was staring Clarke down and for some sick reason, she loved the way she paled. She loved how uncomfortable she was getting, because she felt the same way. 

 

“It’s good to see you.” Lexa spoke, not even realizing that she had. No one else had dared to speak as Clarke redirected her steps. 

 

The closer she got, the more stiff Lexa was getting. There was no way she was saying anything to her. There was no way Lexa was doing this in front of everybody. It was bad enough that everyone seemed to know who Clarke was with now, Lexa had absolutely nothing to say to her.

 

So, as Clarke made her way over to her, Lexa dodged her as quickly as she could.

 

“Lexa.” Clarke called. She tried to reach out. To touch her in some way, but Lexa stepped out of her reach.

 

“Don’t.” Lexa growled, looking over at Anya, who had an apologetic look on her face. She didn’t say anything else as she pushed passed her to get out of the door. She felt like the longer she stayed, the more she felt like she was suffocating at the hands of someone she once (and still did) love. 

 

She ignored the concerned look from Abby and the shared look between Bellamy and Anya. It felt like her entire body was on fire, when she could feel those blue orbs against her back.

 

Clarke had been watching her leave. 

 

Just saying her name again was enough for Lexa to run to the bathroom and dry–heave.

 

She coughed a few times, getting it all out before wiping her mouth and reaching in her pocket for a stick of gum. She splashed her face with water and when she opened her eyes, Anya was standing behind her.

 

“What the fuck, Anya?”

 

“Lexa, I didn’t know she was going to be here right now. She told us she was stuck at work!” Anya tried to explain desperately. “I’m sorry. I didn’t–“

 

“Bullshit, you didn’t fucking know!” Lexa yelled and there she was. There was her angry best friend who had been holding a grudge for far too long. There was her angry best friend who was hurting so much but wouldn’t let anyone help her. “Just leave. I want to be alone.”

 

“Lexa, don’t do this. It’s going to be okay.” 

 

“This has been one of the worst weekends of my life, Anya. Please, just leave me alone.” Lexa spoke lowly and Anya just huffed.

 

“Fine.” Anya grunted before storming out of the bathroom.

 

Lexa took a deep breath before heading toward the stairwell.

 

* * *

 

 

It had been twenty minutes of her sitting in the dark. This stairwell was all sorts of creepy, but Lexa couldn’t go back now. Not after everything, but being alone didn’t help. All of her thoughts were circling around her head and she was banging it softly against the wall.

 

“I’m pretty sure that’s how you get brain damage.” Lexa heard a voice behind her. She hated how her ears perked up. She hated how she loved that she came and found her. The thought made Lexa chuckle darkly,  before she rushed to stand up and leave. 

 

“Hey, hey, hey, just look at me.” Clarke tried to stop her, but Lexa shoved her off. 

 

“Clarke, don’t do this.” Lexa warned darkly, refusing to look at her. 

 

“I’m not scared of you, Lexa. You didn’t want to talk to Anya. So, I thought–“

 

“You thought?” Lexa frowned. “You thought that I would want to speak with _you_?”

 

“Lexa, please. Just talk to me.”

 

“Talk to you?” Lexa chuckled. “There is nothing to talk about.”

 

“I just..” Clarke opened her mouth to speak, but Lexa tried to walk away. Clarke quickly reached for her arm, but she didn’t make contact. “I just… I’m really sorry!”

 

“Sorry?” Lexa sneered. “It’s a little too late to be sorry, Clarke.” 

 

Lexa made a move to leave the stairwell once again. She had her hand wrapped tight around the knob, her knuckles shading white. The amount of frustration that was running through her body was getting too much, but she wanted to know something.

 

“Why– why didn’t you…” Lexa turned around, blowing out a breath. “I sent you texts. I was _waiting_ for you.” 

 

“I know, Lexa.”

 

“And now you’re dating Finn?!” Lexa could feel the anger rising in her body, and for the first time ever, she could see the fear in Clarke’s eyes.

 

“That’s not… we aren’t-”

 

“Bullshit.” Lexa cut off.

 

“Lexa, it’s not-”

 

“I was waiting for you!” Lexa screamed, knocking her fist against the wall. “I waited and I looked like a complete idiot when you didn’t show up. Why didn’t you fucking show up?”

 

They had talked about this before briefly when Lexa went up to New York. There were so many unanswered questions and Lexa’s head was starting to pound. 

 

“I told you.” Clarke started calmly. She remembered all the times that she could calm Lexa down. She remembered all the times Lexa looked to her _to_ calm her down. Knowing that she was the cause of Lexa’s anger right now, was tearing Clarke apart.

 

“I told you. I had a meeting. I was handling Cage.” It was a lie, something that was eating Clarke up, but if Lexa knew the real reason, if Lexa somehow figured out why Clarke hadn’t been there, she would hate her way more than she did right now. 

 

“So much for a victory.” Lexa said bitterly. “You put Cage in prison and we break up over it. So much for a _fucking_ victory.”

 

“Lexa.”

 

“Eat shit, Clarke.” Lexa had her hand on the knob again, fully intending on leaving this time, but Clarke grabbed her by the arm.

 

“You aren’t even giving me a chance right now.” Clarke was shaking her head, trying to figure out what she could say to get Lexa to stay. This was the first time they’d seen each other since the break up and Clarke just wanted to be near her.

 

“Why should I give you a chance?” Lexa scrunched her face up. “Maybe you should go call Finn and giggle about how much you like each other.”

 

“Oh real mature, Lexa.” Clarke folded her arms and rolled her eyes.

 

“I thought you only slept with people if you’re in love with them.”

 

Clarke didn’t answer because it was true. Lexa knew her so well but she wasn’t in love with Finn, but she wasn’t about to tell Lexa that. Finn wasn’t even her boyfriend but she was seeing him and if Lexa thought she was in love with him, she wasn’t going to correct her.

 

Clarke had finally let go of Lexa’s arm and Lexa didn’t hesitate and yanked the door open to get back to Anya. 

 

Clarke sighed before she sunk down against the wall, wiping her tears in the process.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty short as I've decided to split this chapter up into two parts, because it was getting entirely too long. The next part of this will be out shortly. 
> 
> Enjoy!

 

* * *

 

 

When Clarke walked back into the room, she acted like nothing happened. She wiped her tears and she knew she had mascara smudged across her eyes, but none of her friends made note of it.

 

Lexa was gone when Clarke got back into the room. She was subtly looking around the room for her when Raven stepped up to her.

 

“Anya’s making sure she doesn’t destroy anything. I don’t know how I’ll be able to talk the hospital out of not suing her.” 

 

“I just wanted to see her.” Clarke explained quietly.

 

“I know, Clarke, but I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.” 

 

“I don’t know how to make this better.”

 

Raven bit her lip for a second before sighing.

 

“Clarke, I don’t really think there’s anything to make it right again. You guys have been apart for a long time.”

 

“I know, but I just–“

 

Clarke was interrupted when her phone started ringing. It was a number she didn’t recognize and almost let it go to voicemail, when she spotted chestnut hair outside the window.

 

“I'm going to take this.” Clarke rushed out before going outside.

 

“Hello?” Clarke answered as she got into the elevator and pressed the button for the ground floor.

 

“Hello, is this Ms. Griffin?” The British accent made Clarke’s throat swell.

 

“Yes.” Clarke coughed as she stepped off the elevator. “Yes, it is.” 

 

From a distance, Clarke saw Bellamy walking over to Lexa and Anya handing them bottles of water. Clarke leaned against the wall of the elevator and focused on her phone call.

 

“I’ve gone over my notes and while there is a lot of questions I have surrounding you, you are far too talented to pass up, plus Ariana will not shut up about you.” 

 

Clarke frowned because she wasn’t sure what was happening. She had an idea, but she wasn’t _sure_. 

 

“Ariana has a photo shoot with Times magazine in two weeks. Should you choose to accept it, it will be your first gig as her new fashion designer.”

 

Clarke yelped before she realized she was still holding her phone to her ear. She quickly took the phone away and yelped again, much louder.

 

“I don’t know what to say.”

 

“Well, I’m looking for a yes or no answer.” Hannah said quite bluntly and Clarke smiled, because _finally_. 

 

“Yes, I will be there. The Latina, the feisty one, can I bring her with?”

 

The line went dead for a moment, long enough for Clarke to look out the window and see Lexa and Anya coming back inside. Clarke quickly walked down the hall so they wouldn’t see her.

 

“I don’t see why not.” Hannah said after a moment. “I will text you all the details of everything you need to know. The photo shoot will be in Manhattan. I’ll see you there.” 

 

Clarke didn’t even get a chance to say thank you before the line went silent, but within seconds she received three separate emails containing information about flights and how much she would be getting paid as Ariana’s new fashion designer and honestly, Clarke could faint right now.

 

She quickly went back upstairs to go find her mom and Raven.

 

“Raven!” Clarke called out as she rushed back into the room. Octavia glared at her because she had just gotten her little girl to go to sleep and Abby was knitting a sweater in the corner. 

 

“Yes?” Raven asked as she stood up and threw away her bag of chips. “I say we go across the street and get us a big greasy pizza because hospital food can suck my–“

 

“Raven!” Abby scolded from her chair and Raven shied away. 

 

“Sorry, Abs.” Raven brushed the crumbs she had off her shirt before looking back at Clarke. “What’s up?”

 

“Hannah just called.” As Clarke was talking, Anya entered the room again, with a somewhat calm Lexa. Clarke cleared her throat because she realized Octavia and her mom were staring at her.

 

“Who’s Hannah?” Abby questioned and as much as Clarke tried not to look her way, she glanced at Lexa, who was looking at the baby, but her eyebrow was slightly raised. 

 

“It’s Ariana Grande’s manager.” Clakre spoke quietly, still trying to process what was happening. “She wants me to tag along at a photo shoot of hers in a couple weeks and I don’t even want to talk about how much I’m getting paid.”

 

“Honey, that’s great!” Abby gushed as she put down her sewing utensils to rush over and give her daughter a hug.

 

“And guess what?” Clarke couldn’t stop her excitement now. “You get to come with me!”

 

“Shut up!” Raven squealed. “No way!”

 

“Babe, that’s amazing.” Anya said as she pulled Raven in for a hug. 

 

Clarke looked back at Lexa once more and swallowed roughly when she noticed she was staring right at her.

 

“Lexa, isn’t that amazing?” Anya asked with a smile but Lexa was still staring at Clarke.

 

Clarke twisted her fingers and looked back nervously. Lexa was standing over Octavia, looking at the baby before she took slow steps over to Clarke. 

 

Clarke was confused for a second, not knowing what Lexa was about to do. She stopped right in front of her, her eyes never leaving her once. The intensity of those green eyes, made Clarke’s knees wobbly.

 

“I guess hard work really does pay off,” Lexa smirked as she looked at Clarke. “I just hope it was worth it.” 

 

Clarke knew exactly what Lexa was talking about. Clarke was certain that Lexa wasn’t happy for her at all, and huffed.

 

She felt as if this was a trap. For her to admit that she messed up, Clarke wasn’t really sure what to say, and furrowed her eyebrows.

 

“You could just say congratulations.” Clarke muttered and Lexa’s smirk grew.

 

“But then that would mean that I was happy for you and I’m definitely not.”

 

“Alright, Lexa. Tone it down.” Anya cut in and Lexa huffed and went back over to the baby.

 

Clarke had to look like the comment didn’t affect her. She figured she deserved every jab Lexa was clearly willing to throw her way. After all, she was the one that messed this up for both of them, when really, she was supposed to be the one fixing them.

 

Clarke sighed and left the room. 

 

* * *

 

 

**May 15th, 2020**

 

_Lexa was nervous._

 

_She hadn’t seen her all year, even during the holidays it was awkward. Lexa didn’t think things between them would ever be awkward. They had such a solid relationship, but it felt like it was getting weaker with every day that went by._

 

_Lexa was trembling slightly, despite the heat radiating over the city. She had tight, long blue shorts and a loose faded black shirt on as she walked up the stairs to Clarke’s building._

 

_She still couldn’t believe her girlfriend owned this building. She was so proud of everything Clarke had done to get here and walked into the building with a smile on her face._

 

_“I’m here to see Clarke Griffin.” Lexa said to the girl behind the front desk. It was someone Lexa hadn’t seen before and had she really been away from her girlfriend for that long? “I’m her–“_

 

_“She’s up in her office. She’ll be thrilled to see you.” The lady cut her off. Lexa didn’t know who she was but it was clear the girl knew exactly who she was._

 

_Lexa smiled thinly before making her way up the stairs to take the elevator._

 

_She was rehearsing what she was going to say, practicing it over and over again, but when Lexa finally saw her, all the words left her brain._

 

_“Hi.”_

 

_Clarke looked up from her sketchbook in shock. Although she knew this was coming, it completely took her breath away seeing her girlfriend standing in the doorway._

 

_“Hi.”_

 

_Lexa stood there for a few more seconds. Just basking in the fact that they hadn’t started fighting yet. She was dreading it, but they both knew it was coming._

 

_When it was clear that Lexa wasn’t going to say anything else, Clarke cleared her throat and stood up._

 

_“Please, close the door.”_

 

_Lexa did as she was told, hoping Clarke couldn’t see her hands shaking in the process. But when Lexa turned around and they were sealed off from the rest of the world, she didn’t hesitate to start talking._

 

_“I know we aren’t on the best terms, Clarke but the least you could’ve done was call me.”_

 

_Clarke shrugged and leaned against her desk, forcing all emotions to stay down. She didn’t think she was going to see her anytime soon but now she was back in her office and Clarke was freaking out._

 

_She didn’t think she would feel this way, but Lexa always had a hold over her._

 

_Lexa had gotten bigger while she was away, her muscles sticking out more than ever. She towered over her and Clarke wasn’t sure what to do._

 

_“I didn’t think you wanted to talk to me.”_

 

_“It’s me, Clarke. Please don’t do this.”_

 

_“What was I supposed to do?” Clarke said casually. “You gave me an ultimatum, Lexa.”_

 

_Clarke spoke lowly, challenging and left Lexa weighing her words._

 

_“So you just wanted to me to say: see ya later! Have a good couple months without me! You didn’t freakin’ show up. What else was I supposed to do?”_

 

_“You gave me an ultimatum, Lexa!”_

 

_“So that was your reason for not coming?”_

 

_There was another reason why she didn’t show up, but Clarke wasn’t ready to tell her that._

 

_She didn’t want to. She didn’t need to. Because Lexa was so willing to give up, she didn’t feel like she had to._

 

_So she stayed silent. It was absolutely killing her because all she wanted was to embrace Lexa. She had been in the dark about her whole freshman year and that wasn’t how she thought things would turn out._

 

_They talked about college before any chance they got. How excited Lexa was to go, how many classes Lexa was going to take, how awesome her dorm was. Clarke had missed out on all of that, because their communication was terrible._

 

_“I know why you’re here and I’m not sure I want to do this right now.”_

 

_“So what?” Lexa asked. “You wanna wait another year and then you’ll have something to say to me?”_

 

_“I don’t appreciate the fact that somehow us not communicating is my fault. It takes two people not to communicate, Lexa.”_

 

_“I wanted you there. I waited for you, but I just looked stupid hoping you were going to show up.”_

 

_“Wanting to end our relationship because of that was real mature Lexa.” Clarke rolled her eyes and Lexa scoffed._

 

_“At least I was trying to do something unlike you.”_

 

_“I was doing something and you know that. Cage’s trial is coming up and I’ll be damned if he doesn’t go down.”_

 

_Clarke took a moment to steady her breath. She knew with not seeing Lexa for so long, many emotions were going to bubble up. Clarke was having a hard time expressing how she felt, and only hope this wasn’t going to end her relationship._

 

* * *

 

 

The next few weeks, Lexa had to get into the mindset of winning. She had a lot of ‘what ifs’, but she didn’t allow herself to think about them. She had to stay focused. 

 

They had made it to the championship and it was Lexa’s time to really show what she could bring to her team. They were going against Harrison college and Lexa thought they really had a chance of winning. It also helped that her teammates were somewhat on the same page. 

 

They had just ended practice and Lexa smelled fresh as she walked out of the shower. 

 

She had just finished putting her shoes on, when she felt a presence behind her.

 

“Hey.” Morgan greeted as she sat down next to her.

 

“Hey.” Lexa muttered, still somewhat cautious.

 

“I have a night class tonight and was going to grab some food beforehand, do you want to join?” 

 

Lexa raised an eyebrow at her, wondering what she had up her sleeve. 

 

“No funny business. I thought we could just hang out, only if you want.” 

 

Lexa thought about it for a moment. Long enough for her to pile all her dirty clothes into her gym bag and stand up, Morgan following suit.

 

“Sure. That sounds fine.”

 

“I was thinking the north dining hall. They have the best Mac and cheese.”

 

Lexa smiled at that, opening the door to the locker room for Morgan.

 

“There Mac and cheese is really good. Lead the way.”

 

* * *

 

 

It was hard getting back to work, knowing she wasn’t here anymore. 

 

It was sort of scary how Clarke was driven to get out of bed when she knew she was in the same city as Lexa. 

 

It was that same energy and excitement she always used to have whenever she knew Lexa was around. 

 

There was something about her presence that motivated Clarke to no end. Clarke knew it was silly. She shouldn’t be thinking about her in this way, especially after everything they've been through, but it was hard when Lexa used to be her number one motivation. 

 

“Did y’all hear?” Zoe Monroe came into the office, her nimble fingers typing away on her phone. 

 

Their relationship had been a bit rocky, and it honestly surprised Clarke when Monroe decided to stick with her team. She figured she would leave, just like Harper left. 

 

“Hear what?” Clarke asked skeptically. She was working on another men’s design for their next photo shoot.

 

Clarke’s team knew about her going to work with Ariana in a couple weeks. They had all been so ecstatic about it and Clarke still didn’t know how she got this position. 

 

“Dante Wallace had a stroke last night. Paramedics pronounced him dead on the scene.”

 

Clarke snapped her head up so fast, her neck cracked in the process. Roan gasped from where he was and Clarke frowned deeply.

 

“He… what?” Clarke breathed.

 

“Everyone is going crazy over it. Saying how Cage has a right to be there for his father and yada, yada.”

 

“That’s crazy.”

 

Was Dante Wallace really gone? And how had Clarke not heard of any of this?

 

* * *

 

 

_The silence that was lingering between them was almost enough to drive Lexa crazy. Did Clarke really have nothing to say to her? What could Lexa say to make things better between them?_

 

_Clarke stood across the room, leaning against her desk and Lexa walked over slowly, trying to calculate Clarke’s mood._

 

_“I came up here to see where we stand.” Lexa spoke softly. She was standing right in front of Clarke and it terrified her how close she was to her, but yet entirely too far away._

 

_Clarke reached out to her, which surprised her. Clarke grabbed a hold of her wrist and pulled her close. Clarke placed her hands on Lexa’s hips, coercing Lexa closer to her._

 

_“I miss you.” Clarke knew it wasn’t a very good answer to her question but she did and she needed to tell her._

 

_Lexa stiffened in her hold and Clarke hated that this was where they were. It had been a whole year since Clarke had touched Lexa and pulled her closer._

 

_Lexa sighed against her hair. “Clarke.”_

 

_“Just give me a few minutes.” Clarke whispered against her neck, and Lexa nodded faintly against her. She didn’t know what was going to come next, but she allowed Clarke to hold her close._

 

_The next few minutes were peaceful as Lexa listened Clarke’s breathing._

 

_Lexa wasn’t entirely sure if this was the right moment to say this. She didn’t think she would ever hesitate to say these words. She knew these words weren’t going to make them better, but Clarke needed to know that her feelings hadn’t changed._

 

_“I love you.” Lexa spoke against Clarke’s cheek and Clarke gasped and pulled away._

 

_There was a very serious look in the blonde’s eye before she pulled Lexa in for a kiss._

 

_Lexa stiffened against her as Clarke rubbed her tongue across her lips. But it only took a few more seconds for Lexa to relax completely and kiss her back. Clarke moaned slightly into the kiss and Lexa pushed her weight into Clarke, forcing her to lean back against the desk._

 

_Clarke wrapped a hand around Lexa’s neck and deepened the kiss._

 

_Just as Clarke bit down on her lip, Lexa forced her off._

 

_“Clarke, I just don’t think we should–“_

 

_Clarke immediately stopped and pulled away from her. She fixed Lexa with a confused glare and Lexa sighed._

 

_“I just think we should talk.”_

 

_Clarke laughed darkly before smoothing down her shirt and gestured before her._

 

_“Fine you wanna talk?” Clarke huffed. “Let’s talk.”_

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke didn’t know how she wounded up here. Maybe it was because all her friends were occupied and her mother wasn’t here to tell her not to do it. Maybe she just wanted to see it for herself. It would be the first time she’d seen him since he was put away. 

 

When she was scanned in and searched before her visit, Clarke realized there really was no going back. She hadn’t even prepared what she wanted to say to him. What was there to say?

 

Clarke listened as her heels echoed throughout the prison floor. When she got the go ahead to enter the prison visitation room and sit down, she stared through a glass wall, her heart pounding the entire time. 

 

She had to wait a few minutes. He was probably refusing to see her or not believing that she was actually here. Clarke couldn’t really believe it either, but she needed to.

 

Because she heard him before she even saw him.

 

“Well this is a nice surprise,” Cage smirked, he didn’t need to talk through the phone for Clarke to hear him loud and clear. A prison guard handcuffed him to his chair as he sat down, a huge dark bruise against his temple. “My father dies and I get a visit from the Devil herself.”

 

Clarke didn’t say anything. She expected every blow he had to offer, but it was okay because he couldn’t get to her and she knew that it made him angry. 

 

“I thought I’d pay a visit. I heard about your father.” Clarke finally picked up the phone and started talking. 

 

“I don’t need your condolences.” Cage said through gritted teeth. 

 

“That’s good,” Clarke offered a rare smile. “Because I wasn’t offering them.” 

 

She saw Cage’s lip twitch and stared at him, trying to find the guy she used to know before all of this happened. 

 

“How is Downstate correctional treating you?” Clarke asked but she already knew the answer. There was no amount of money that could get him out of here, not with what she did— _had_ to do. 

 

“It’s funny,” Cage leaned forward a bit, a guard watching his every move. “I swear I’m on the wrong side of this glass.” 

 

“I told you not to mess with me.” Clarke warned lightly. She remembered the feeling he gave her. How hopeless and weak he made her feel, but this still wasn’t enough. 

 

She thought this would give her more satisfaction, but seeing him on the other side of the glass and knowing that it didn’t fix the ache in her heart was making her angry. 

 

“What happened?” Clarke asked after a few minutes.

 

“Got jumped by a bunch of guys because I wouldn’t join in on some stupid prank against the CO’s.”

 

There was a moment of sympathy. A lapse in Clarke’s mind, wondering if she made the right move before it faded completely. 

 

“I’d give it a couple more days before you become someone’s bitch.” Clarke said boldly and Cage’s jaw twitched.

 

“I still hold a lot of power–“

 

“That’s weird because last time I checked you were the one rotting behind bars, not me.”

 

“You think you’re so proud of yourself? This is nothing and when I get out, I will find you and I won’t go to the public this time. I won’t go to the police. I won’t go to any of your stupid ex’s. I will end you and your career myself and you won’t even see it coming.”

 

“Please Cage, if you’re going to threaten me, at least sound a bit more scary. I see prison is teaching you absolutely nothing and you’ve been here for two years.” 

 

“You ruined my life.” Cage spat. “Fuck you.”

 

“ _You_ ruined me.” Clarke retorted. “You made me become this person. You took the one thing that made me happy and turned it into a scandal. All you had to do was keep your mouth shut. You ruined everything for me and to get my ex–girlfriend involved was so wrong of you. You deserve every single thing that happens to you. Come and find me when you get out, I’ll be ready.” 

 

There was a moment of tense silence, Clarke staring Cage down, watching in confusion as he broke out into laughter.

 

An old, bald guy with tattoos covering one side of his head trying to have a quiet moment with what Clarke thought was his wife was ruined as Cage guffawed at her.

 

“I still don’t know how you did it.” Cage said through his laughter. “You keep saying how I messed up everything for you. How did you do it? How did you get to her?” 

 

Clarke stayed silent. She wasn’t going to discuss this right now. She wasn’t really quite sure what she wanted or what she wanted to get out of this visit. She just needed to see it for herself.

 

Cage really was in a maximum security prison. He was wearing a blue jumpsuit. He looked paler than he ever had and his face was covered in bruises. It served him right for ruining her relationship. And Clarke didn’t have to explain anything to him.

 

“How did you do it? Why did you use _her_?” Clarke turned the question around on Cage, wondering how he got Niylah involved in his mess. 

 

“It’s amazing what broken-hearted people will do to get back at the person who hurt them.” 

 

“You both fucked up my entire fucking relationship and I will never let you see another day on the outside if it’s the last thing I do.” Clarke huffed. “I hope you rot in here like the little bitch that you are.” 

 

“Bold words, even for you.”

 

A guard caught his attention and tap his wrist even though he wasn’t wearing a watch. Cage huffed and turned back to Clarke.

 

“Are you going to the funeral?” Clarke asked out of curiosity.

 

“Even if I could, I wouldn’t. He’s in a better place now, all that mushy shit. It’s whatever.”

 

Clarke knew it wasn’t whatever. Clarke could still remember the sheer ache in her heart when she found out her dad was dead. Cage was a lot of things. Mean and manipulative, but for him to say he didn’t care that his father died, Clarke knew he was lying. 

 

“Tell me something before I go, because I never want to see you again,” Cage whispered through the phone. “What did you say to her?”

 

“I didn’t say anything to Macy,” Clarke spoke honestly. “I offered something your stupid money could never give her.”

 

Cage didn’t speak. He was searching for Clarke's face for the truth as she spoke.

 

“I offered her freedom. Freedom away from you. Relief knowing that the person who hurt her was going to be behind bars for a very long time. I offered Macy a chance to finally live her life to the fullest instead of in fear because a man like you roamed the streets.” 

 

Clarke knew visitation was wrapping up, but there was something else she needed to say. 

 

“Don’t ever think you are on the wrong side of the glass. There is a very clear distinction between me and you. You committed a crime and tried to pay your way out of it. Me, I just fell in love and all I keep doing these days is cleaning up the mess you made. Over and over again. We are not the same. We never could be. Have fun, Cage. I’ll see you in Hell.”

 

* * *

 

 

_The way they went from sweet to intense scared Lexa. She gulped a few times and created a distance between them. She could tell Clarke was upset and sighed._

 

_“I want to know where we stand Clarke.” Lexa repeated again and Clarke chuckled darkly._

 

_“Do you really think we stood anywhere in the year we haven’t talked to each other?”_

 

_“Clarke, don’t be like that.”_

 

_“Then how should I be, Lexa?” Clarke quirked an eyebrow and frowned._

 

_“I just want you to talk to me.”_

 

_“It’s hard to talk to someone I feel like I barely even know, Lexa.” Clarke responded and Lexa took a deep breath._

 

_“Clarke, please.”_

 

_“I asked you…” Clarke trailed off, almost not wanting to finish her sentence, almost not wanting to bring up the giant elephant in the room. “I asked you to marry me and you just…”_

 

_“Clarke–“_

 

_“And I meant it Lexa. I wanted you to marry me and we could just be together and we wouldn’t have to deal with any of this animosity that we are refusing to acknowledge.”_

 

_“Marriage is a very, very big deal, Clarke. It’s not something that I will just give an answer to, to please you.”_

 

_“That’s not what I wanted you to do. But you just blowing it off completely was–“_

 

_“I didn’t blow it off!” Lexa raised her voice. “You blindsided me, Clarke.”_

 

_“Blindsided you? You think I–“_

 

_“I’m not the same girl that sat on the beach with you that day. After that day, so many things changed Clarke. And I never thought I'd see the day, where you and I don’t work out.”_

 

_“So you give me an ultimatum? When you don’t even know what was going on. Where I was and what I was doing. I was trying to fix us and you send some bullshit text–“_

 

_“I’m not going to apologize for what I did. I was doing something–“_

 

_“So was I!” Clarke raised her voice. “You keep saying how I wasn’t trying to save our relationship and I was.”_

 

_“You are so obsessed with trying to take down Cage that you couldn’t come to see me off to college?”_

 

_“And what about you?” Clarke tried to deflect from the topic._

 

_“What about me?” Lexa squinted her eyes, cowering slightly as Clarke started walking over to her._

 

_“You literally tried to pause our relationship.This isn’t a game, Lexa.” Clarke spat, coming to stand right in front of Lexa. “You can’t call timeout and pause us like we’re a damn basketball game!”_

 

_“That wasn’t what I was trying to do.”_

 

_“Sure as hell felt like it. After everything we’ve been through that’s what you decide to go and do?”_

 

_There was a lot of wrongs that they were laying out on the table. So many, Clakre was having a hard time wondering how they got here; having a screaming match about their relationship._

 

_She didn’t want this. This wasn’t how she wanted them to end up. She knew after this, Lexa was going to go back to college even if she was on summer break right now. She knew that Lexa wasn’t going to stop until she got what she wanted, and maybe she should focus on that. Maybe they just needed to take some time to themselves. They’ve already been doing that for the past few months._

 

_“Clarke…” Lexa sighed, her shoulders dropping. It was a sign of surrender. Clarke knew Lexa was tired. “I don’t want to fight anymore. I just want to know what’s going to happen next.”_

 

_And it was like Clarke was breathing underwater. Her lungs felt like they were collapsing on her and no air was getting in._

 

_This wasn’t what she wanted._

 

_She looked over to Lexa, who looked physically exhausted and wondered how she could still look so beautiful. She looked over at Lexa, who had a frown on her face and wondered if her next words would relieve some of the stress she knew Lexa was under._

 

_Clarke’s next words physically ripped her into pieces, but maybe it was the only solution._

 

_“I don’t think we should… I think we should stop,” Clarke spoke softly. “It’s not going to get better, Lexa.”_

 

_“You don’t know that.”_

 

_“I don’t,” Clakre answered quickly. “But I also know us being together isn’t going to get any better right now.”_

 

_“Clarke…”_

 

_“Maybe you should go.”_

 

_The look on Lexa’s face was almost enough for Clarke to take back her words, but Clarke stuck her ground. She hated that she could see Lexa’s eyes glistening and looked away._

 

_“Clarke, don’t do this.”_

 

_“I don’t know what else to do.” Clarke threw her hands up. “Tell me what I should do and I’ll do it, but I can’t keep living like this.”_

 

_“I don’t know what you can do.” Lexa whispered honestly._

 

_Clarke walked over and cupped her cheek._

 

_“This is why you should go, Lexa.” Clarke whispered back. “We need time to… figure out what we want.”_

 

_Lexa shook her head, trying to hold back a sob._

 

_“I can’t lose you, Clarke.”_

 

_“And I can’t lose you, Lexa.” Clarke murmured back._

 

_And Lexa tried to hold onto those words, trying to find some kind of hope. While what Clarke was saying was true, she hadn’t finished talking._

 

_Lexa tried to pull Clarke in, to hold her in any way she could, because she was being knocked off her feet and needed to be held steady._

 

_“I can’t lose you, Lexa,” Clarke had repeated her words. “But it feels like I’ve already have.”_


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So so sorry for the delay, my folks!
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy!
> 
> Tumblr: rebelgutiargirl

 

* * *

 

 

The walk back to campus was remote and quite freezing. Spring hadn’t exactly settled into the town of Durham yet, and Lexa clutched her bright yellow jacket closer to her that had a hole in the sleeve. Anya had gotten it for her for Christmas a year ago. Lexa didn’t even like the color yellow, but Anya didn’t have much money and it was sweet that she spent some of it on her. 

They had just reached her dorm and she was scanned in, a laughing Morgan on her heels. 

“And did you see the way she-”

“I know,” Lexa giggled back as she opened the door to her dorm. “I thought she was going to start foaming at the mouth she was so mad.”

“I just wanted to add two more brownies to the order,” Morgan chuckled. “I didn’t think the waiter would have such a problem with it.”

“Well, you were giving her a run for her money.”

“She’s never going to learn how to get good at her job, if she only gets easy orders.”

“It’s a good thing you knew the girl or else I would’ve felt really bad.”

“Yeah, it’s no problem. Katie hates the job. I was totally messing with her the whole time.”

Morgan had asked if she’d wanted to grab lunch. Lexa would normally spend her afternoons catching up on either sleep or homework. She didn’t have any plans, and figured going to lunch with Morgan wouldn’t be terrible. 

And it wasn’t. 

She surprisingly had a really nice time. 

“The tv is broken again.”

Lexa jumped at the sound of her roommate and turned around. She was so caught up in the conversation with Morgan that she failed to see her roommate laying down on the bed, an apple in her hand.

“Fuck. Really?” Lexa sighed in disappointment. Their TV had been acting up the whole semester. 

“Well, I guess I’ll get going now.” Morgan said indifferently, casting a look at Anya before turning her attention back to Lexa. 

“I had a really nice time.” Morgan said, somewhat shyly and Lexa nodded her agreement. 

“I had a really nice time with you too.” Lexa said back and she meant every word of it.

“If you two kiss, I might just die.” Anya said seriously and Lexa groaned.

“Of course we aren’t.” Morgan said quickly as Lexa spoke. “We weren’t going to.”

“The sheer panic on both of your faces was so worth my comment.”

“Please excuse my roommate,” Lexa said through gritted teeth. “She was dropped on her head when she was little.”

Despite the tension in the room, Morgan gave a soft laugh. 

“I’ll see you guys at practice tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see you there. Since we are one big happy family now.” Anya glared at the blonde leaving the room and got up to lock the door.

“You could’ve been a little nicer.”

“You could’ve brought the tv from your room, not the shitty one from the guest room,” Anya snapped back. “I’ve been sitting in silence for the last hour.”

“You could’ve gone to the lounge and watched TV.” Lexa paused before she spoke again. “And do you know how much work it would take to get that all the way across campus? I'd rather have this small, shitty one than my flat screen that belongs at home safe and sound.”

“Whatever, now I’m bored and being forced to ask how it went with Morgan.”

“You don’t have to ask me anything.”

“Yes I do,” Anya said as she sat up straight. “How did it go with Morgan?”

“Fine.”

“Lexa…” Anya trailed off. “Are you just going to forget the last couple years where she made everything insufferable?”

“She was going through a hard transition and I figured something was going on with her. People aren’t that mean for no reason.”

“You seem to find the good in everyone, but not her.”

Lexa flared her nostrils before going in her closet to pick up her basketball she had since she was a little girl. 

“Shut up.” Lexa growled, but Anya didn’t seem offended by her words. 

“I’m just stating facts. How you acted in New York was uncalled for.”

“So what?” Lexa turned around with a frown. “You wanted me to jump up and down and sing _Hallelujah_ because she got a job offer?”

“Not any job offer, Lexa,” Anya said pointedly. “ _The_ job offer she had only dreamed about when she was with you. I thought you would at least be happy for her.”

“I can’t be happy for her, Anya. Not anymore.” 

Lexa didn’t say anything else as she slipped her basketball shoes on and grabbed her ball before walking out of the door. 

 

The gym was empty when Lexa arrived. She wasn’t sure if it was going to be used later on, but she had done this plenty of times. She wanted to shoot around for a bit before she went back to her dorm. She also needed an excuse to get away from Anya. 

She knew Anya was right, but she wasn’t ready to admit it yet. Anya had been right about a lot of things since the break up. Sometimes, Lexa wondered how Anya dealt with her, but she didn’t know how to change it. She didn’t know how to change the way she felt.

And after shooting around for an hour, Lexa was sure she was never going to change how she felt about this entire situation. 

Before Lexa knew it, there were tears rolling down her face. 

She wasn’t sure if it was because she was going to yet another championship or if it was the fact that no matter how hard she tried, Clarke always lingered in the back of her mind. 

She was like some pesticide that Lexa couldn’t get rid of. No matter how many times she tried to burn the images of Clarke in her head, it only made her feelings stronger. 

And it was pathetic really. 

Because Clarke had pushed her away numerous times, but that didn't change the way Lexa felt about her. 

Lexa sighed before picking up her basketball again, putting her game face on. 

* * *

 

“So how are you?”

“I’m good.”

“How’s Finn?”

“He’s good.”

Raven paused, trying to assess her best friend’s behavior. If Clarke was really okay, she wouldn’t be chewing her bottom lip the way she was. If Clarke was really okay, she would be eating the Macaroni dish Raven had made for dinner because she _loved_ Macaroni. 

“Is he here?” Raven tried to pick up the conversation again, because Clarke seemed to be spacing out again. 

They had gotten back last night from the photoshoot with Ariana. Raven had to physically restrain herself from jumping on one of her favorite artists as her best friend did her job. 

Clarke looked so happy yesterday while they were in Manhattan. She seemed to be in her element and knew exactly what article of clothing would look best on Ariana. Now that they were back in her penthouse, Clarke didn’t seem all that thrilled to be here. 

Honestly, watching Clarke pretend to be happy was the most painful thing Raven had ever witnessed in her life. 

“Clarke?” 

Clarke snapped her head up, looking at Raven in confusion. 

“Yes?”

Raven wanted to say something, to tell Clarke that she couldn’t keep doing this, but now wasn’t the right time. 

“I asked if Finn was here.” Raven said again, as she took another bite of her dinner. 

“Oh,” Clarke frowned. “He’ll be here by the end of the week.”

Raven didn’t say anything else. She just watched as Clarke tossed her dinner around on her spoon. Raven was nearly done, and by the end of her meal, she sighed loudly. 

“So how long are you going to keep doing this?” Raven finished her last bite of dinner and leaned back in her chair. 

Clarke looked up at her, her brows furrowing. 

“Doing what?”

“Pretending that everything is fine.”

“Raven...”

“Hey look, there’s no judgement. There’s no wrong answer. I’m not going to run and go tell Anya. This is just two best friends, having a heart to heart.”

“Well played, Reyes.” Clarke sighed and continued. “I don’t know.”

“Well, why do you keep him around, Clarke? I know you don’t love him.”

“I don’t love him,” Clarke admitted, her eyes started to water. “But he was there and I’ll never forget that.”

“I was there for you too, Clarke. You still won’t even tell me what happened between the two of you.”

“Because it’s too complicated and painful.”

Raven knew that Clarke was going to end the conversation soon. She never liked to talk about her for too long. But Clarke was clearly hurting, and Raven wanted to get down to the bottom of it. 

“Can you at least tell me how you and Finn started ‘hanging out’?” 

“If I tell you that, I might as well tell you everything.”

“Well, Clarke,” Raven stood up. She didn’t say anything as she went to the cupboard and pulled out a bottle of red wine, dusting it off a bit. “I have nothing else better to do tonight.”

* * *

 

**June 15th, 2019**

_“A penny for your thoughts?”_

_Clarke was at the park. After sending countless messages to Lexa and her not responding, she needed to get some fresh air._

_Clarke knew the voice. She wasn’t expecting to hear it so soon, and looked up._

_His shaggy brown hair had gotten long enough to put in a ponytail, he almost looked like Roan._

_Clarke didn’t respond, but that didn’t stop him from sitting down._

_She had a very complicated relationship with him. She had barely talked to him the last few months, so it surprised her that he was here._

_“I saw the blonde hair, and then I saw the frown. So I wanted to see if you were alright.” Finn spoke slowly, not sure what he should or shouldn’t say right now._

_“I’m fine.” Clarke tried to assure him, but Finn didn’t look convinced._

_“Try me.” Finn shrugged._

_Clarke looked around, noticing that there weren't that many people here. A couple families here or there, or a jogger running through the park._

_“I broke up with L_ _exa.” Clarke breathed out. It was already too much, and she tried to keep her tears from falling._

 

_“I’m so sorry, Clarke. I knew you two were- I mean, I had a feeling. I’m just sorry.”_

 

_“Thank you,” Clarke whispered, before speaking louder. “The crazy thing is, I didn’t want to do it.”_

 

_“Then why did you?” Finn asked the most obvious question. If Clarke was going to answer, Finn would know everything, more than Lexa would know and she wasn’t sure if she was ready for that._

 

_“It’s complicated.”_

 

_Clarke looked over to see Finn nodding slowly._

 

_“Well, if it ever gets too much, you know where to find me.” Finn placed a comforting hand on Clarke’s shoulder and she tried so hard to keep it together._

 

_It was hard when she felt like everything and everyone was against her right now._

 

_“It’s a beautiful day, Clarke,” Finn gestured to the clear blue sky, the wind blowing occasionally. “Try to enjoy it.”_

 

* * *

 

 

They were down by five. Lexa had no idea how she let this happen. She looked around at her teammates that were all sweaty and worn out, and she wasn’t sure if they were going to win this. She wanted this win. She needed to win this, for everything she had lost. 

 

But as she looked to Anya, who was nowhere near her, her stomach sank because she was certain they weren’t going to win this. Anya was being held back by the other team’s defense and Lexa looked around at her options, all the while, avoiding eye contact with her coach. Lexa still wasn’t sure how this had happened. 

 

Her mother was in the stands, with Abby and Raven. Lexa had no idea that Abby was going to be here, and it threw her off. But Lexa knew that Abby’s presence wasn’t the only reason why they were losing right now. 

 

Lexa knew she had many people watching her, her teammates, classmates, her coach and possible scouts. This game was supposed to be a big one. Harrison was one of the worst teams in the league, but they were currently kicking their asses. 

 

“Lexa, pass me the ball.” Morgan said from her left. Lexa wasn’t sure if Morgan would make the shot from back here. It was normally her or Anya. 

 

But Lexa needed to start putting faith in her teammates and passed the ball to Morgan. Morgan pivoted on her feet, lounging the ball in the direction of the hoop, just as Anya escaped the defense. 

 

Lexa tried not to show her disappointment as the ball hit the backboard, but didn’t go in. The other team gained possession of the ball, and Lexa worked her ass off to get it back. 

 

* * *

 

 

A towel was thrown in Lexa’s face as she entered the locker room. Her jaw was clenched so hard, she thought it might snap. She couldn’t believe she just lost the championship game to Harrison, and hung her head in shame. 

 

It was silent as Lexa sat down on the bench, not bothering to take her jersey off yet. This was the first championship they lost in a while, and Lexa wasn’t quite sure what to say to her team, so she didn’t say anything. 

 

They had gotten much better with their communication. They had gotten much better at running their plays together, and Lexa was confident that they were going to win yet another championship, but her heart broke when she realized that this just wasn’t her season. 

 

“How the _fuck_ did we just lose to Harrison?” Ontari asked with a grimace. 

 

“You know, I’m wondering the same thing. Any thoughts Lexa?” Anya asked, as she threw another towel in Lexa’s face. 

 

“It’s not the end of the world. We have other seasons we’re going to crush before we graduate. This just proves that we have to work harder.” Lexa said as she stood up, trying to meet the eyes of her very tired teammates. No matter what they did out on the court, no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get ahead of the other team.  

 

“Or this just proves that maybe if you weren’t so far up Morgan’s shorts, which I still don’t know how that happened, maybe we could’ve won.”

 

“Don’t put this all on me,” Lexa shook her head, and threw the blue towel back in Anya’s face. “You’re the one that couldn’t escape from defense in time. I was looking for you!”

 

“Maybe you should teach your girlfriend how to make a basket. Her elbow was entirely too low.”

 

“Watch it.” Lexa growled. 

 

“Should we stop them?” Ontari asked Morgan, and previously being on the other end of Lexa’s wrath, Morgan agreed. 

 

“Guys!” Morgan called, and waited until the both of them stop bickering to talk. “This isn’t helping.”

 

“She’s right.” Gustus finally spoke up. “There’s been a divide for entirely too long and even though it’s fixed, in whichever way you guys fixed it. It doesn’t make up for the fact that you guys were not in sync tonight. I wanted this win. I wanted to lead us to another great victory, but sitting around and blaming each other is not the way to deal with losing and you guys know that. There is still a divide; there is still something missing and I don’t know what that missing piece is, but you guys need to find it before next season.”

 

Gustus left quickly after that. It wasn’t that he wanted to leave his team so soon, but he was in the girl’s locker room. He wanted them to shower and get changed in peace. 

 

Lexa showered as quickly as she could, watching her hair and face in the process. Her thoughts were all over the place as she left the locker room. 

 

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry you guys lost.” Indra came running over to her as Lexa walked out of the gym. Abby was lingering behind them. 

 

“It’s okay, mom. Our team has a lot of work to do, not physically but mentally. I was so sure we were going to win this, but there will be other games.”

 

“Well, as long as you aren’t too upset about it.” Her mother sighed. “I hope it’s okay that Abby is here.”

 

“It’s fine. Look mom, can we meet up later? I’m really tired.” Lexa tried to excuse herself. She loved that her mother was in town for a couple days, but right now, she just wanted to be by herself. 

 

Indra, already expecting that answer, nodded and headed in the direction of her hotel. 

 

Lexa waited a moment, wondering if she should speak to her. She looked all around, but no one was near them. When Abby made direct eye contact with her, Lexa sighed as she walked over to her, knowing she couldn’t avoid it. 

 

“Does Clarke know you’re here?”

 

“No.”

 

“Really?”

 

“I’m a grown woman. I don’t need my daughter’s permission to do something.”

 

“When you come down to her ex-girlfriend’s basketball game, I think it should be something she should know about.”

 

“I actually came down here to talk to you.” Abby said nervously as she walked closer to Lexa. She knew she shouldn’t be here, but she wanted to show Indra her support. Abby knew she was probably going to cross a line, but she was running out of options. 

 

“Okay, look,” Lexa squealed as she tried to back away from her. “If you’re going to hurt me, Clarke was the one that wanted to break up.”

 

“I’m not going to hurt you Lexa. I know what happened.” Abby stated calmly, but she was still making her way over to her. 

 

Lexa looked up and frowned. “Even the proposal?”

 

“Even the proposal.”

 

Abby nodded, which made Lexa loosen up when she realized that she didn’t come here to make her a part of the ground. She wasn’t quite sure what to say, because she didn’t think she was going to see her again after going back to New York. 

 

“She’s spiraling out of control.” Abby admitted, her intense green eyes looking into hers. “I never thought I would see the day where my daughter’s heart is just as broken as mine. I don’t say these words lightly, Lexa, but she’s literally acting like someone died. She doesn’t see it yet, but there is going to be a moment where she completely shuts down and I’m afraid you’re the only one who can stop it.”

 

“I was hesitant to go up to New York after finals. I was afraid she wouldn’t want anything to do with me. I went up there with as much courage as I could and your daughter broke up with me within seconds of me being there. If Clarke is hurting, she only has herself to blame.”

 

“She’s not the same.” Abby said with a frown. “My daughter had a lot going for her and even with all that, you were the one who made her the happiest. I was against your relationship for so long before I realized how happy Clarke was. There’s a darkness brewing inside of her, Lexa. She lies to everyone about being okay. She lies to her friends, me, Finn.”

 

Lexa grimaced at hearing her old coach’s name. 

 

“That doesn’t really sound like that’s my problem.” Lexa said lightly. “Look, even if I were to talk to her, she wouldn’t want anything to do with me. I wouldn’t even know what to say.”

 

“Lexa, I wouldn’t have traveled all this way, if Clarke was okay. She’s not okay.” 

 

Lexa tried not to look affected by the fact that Clarke wasn’t alright, but it wasn’t her place anymore. She knew Abby meant well, but Clarke wasn’t hers to worry about anymore. 

 

“I’m sorry, Abby. I don’t think I can help you.” Lexa said seriously. 

 

She didn’t say anything else as she turned on her heel and left. 

 

* * *

 

 

**June 16th, 2019**

 

_There was only one more step Clarke needed to take before she was at his door. It was also only one more step before she let someone know of the trouble she was carrying around with her everywhere she went. Not even Lexa knew this, but it was getting too much for Clarke._

 

_Finn didn’t know her that well, and she didn’t want to tell anyone she was close to. She had been dealing with this for a while, and maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if someone else knew._

 

_It was hard to take the last step. To finally let someone who wasn’t Lexa into her life. Clarke wasn’t sure how this was going to go, but maybe getting it off her chest would help._

 

_With a deep breath, Clarke finally knocked on his door._

 

_It took a couple of minutes for Finn to answer the door. It was enough time for Clarke to turn around and walk away. To forget about his offer completely. It was hard letting someone in and Clarke wasn’t sure she was ready for that._

 

_But, when Finn answered in a wife beater and black sweatpants, Clarke knew there was no going back. There were no words exchanged between them as he moved aside and let Clarke in._

 

_Finn had offered some of his leftover pizza and beer to her. They were sitting side by side on the couch and Clarke’s heart was pounding the whole time._

 

_“You know, we don’t have to talk about this. We can talk about anything really.”_

 

_“No, it’s okay. I think I want to get this off my chest. I just need a moment.” Clarke took another sip of her beer, trying to calm her nerves._

 

_“The day that Lexa left for college…” Clarke stopped talking, her heart clenched in her chest and maybe she really wasn’t ready to talk about it._

 

_“Hey.. I can turn the tv on and we can-”_

 

_Clarke took another deep breath, finally finding her voice again._

 

_“The day Lexa left for college, my ex girlfriend Niylah came to see me. We dated for a while, the relationship wasn’t the greatest and shortly after, we broke up, but that’s besides the point.”_

 

 _Finn sat there, silent and not really sure what he was getting himself into._ _  
  
_

_“I wasn’t sure what she wanted. She was working with Cage the entire time. Gathering information for him. I already knew how manipulative she was, and I wanted her to leave. I remember threatening to call the cops before I woke up in a very creepy garage.”_

 

_“Why would she do all of this?” Finn asked warily._

 

_“Cage and I were never friends. We went to the same college and while everyone else might believe Cage when he said the girl was lying, I know she wasn’t. He sexually assaulted a girl, Macy Green, and ever since I found out the truth, we’ve been at war with each other.”_

 

_“Clarke, this all sounds so dangerous.” Finn said. Clarke’s eyes darkened as she nodded. She was only getting started._

 

_“Cage was waiting for me in the garage. I didn’t know who’s garage we were in because it certainly wasn’t his. I don’t even know what he was doing in Maryland. I tried speaking but everything was so… fussy.”_

 

_“What did he want?” Finn asked as he picked up another cold slice of pizza._

 

_“Cage had all the information on my relationship laid out in front of me. I watched as him and Niylah felt like they were on top of the world. He had everything he needed to make sure that the public knew that my relationship with Lexa was real and not some big misunderstanding. He had everything he needed to take me down.”_

 

_“Why didn’t you go to the police?”_

 

_“Because that’s exactly what he wanted. Not only did he have what he needed to expose my relationship… again. He was going to sabotage Lexa’s scholarship and after I found that out, I zoned out. He was going on and on, probably about how amazing his plan was, but the only thing I was thinking about was destroying him. I had to talk to Macy. If Macy testified against him, I know he would go down.”_

 

_“Did you really think he was going to do something to Lexa’s scholarship?”_

 

_“Of course I did. I wouldn’t put anything past him. I know how hard Lexa worked for the scholarship and if he did anything to mess that up, I would never forgive myself for it.”_

 

_“I’m sorry you had to deal with that.” Clarke knew that Finn was being sincere, but she laughed because she wasn’t anywhere near finished with her story._

 

_“Cage also wanted me to sell him the company–”_

 

_“Clarke!”_

 

_“I know. I know. He wanted me to sell him the company or he was going to mess up Lexa’s scholarship. I was at a loss. I just wanted to see Lexa before she left for college. I knew how much it meant to her for me to be there and I felt like I let her down. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to strangle Cage, but I was working up a plan of my own.”_

 

_“Do I even want to know?” Finn asked with a small smile. Clarke downed the rest of her beer, before continuing her story._

 

_“I had my lawyer track down Macy. I reached out to her numerous times. I hated bugging her, but I knew she would be able to help me. It took a while before she finally decided to meet with me. It was a disaster. She was scared and didn’t want to talk about it. I literally had to beg her to help me. She didn’t want anything to do with me or him, but I assured her that he wasn't going to get away with this like he had been doing. I saw that hope in her eyes, even if she didn’t want me to see it. I saw it and I knew that this could work.”_

 

_“So, she testified?” Finn asked._

 

_“She did, and with everything else I had against him, it was what I needed to put him behind bars.”_

 

_There was a moment or two, where both of them took in how crazy all of this sounded. Clarke couldn’t believe she had told Finn of all people about this, but he was right, it certainly was helping._

 

_“So… does Lexa know any of this?”_

 

* * *

 

It was the following day, and Lexa agreed to meet up with her mother for dinner. Indra stayed clear of talking about the championship. She knew this would be the hardest part of raising her daughter, she was so stubborn and it was difficult to admit when she needed help. 

 

Indra had watched her for the majority of dinner. She watched how her smile didn’t take up her entire face like it used to. She noticed as she sat across from her daughter, how tense her shoulders were. Lexa would clench her fists without realizing it, but she sat there and laughed her entire way through dinner. 

 

And honestly, watching her daughter pretend to be happy was the most painful thing Indra had ever witnessed in her life. 

 

They were taking a walk around town now. Indra was at least happy that her daughter was living in a safe area, while getting her education. 

 

“So tell me, how are you really?” Indra tried avoiding that question all throughout dinner. It was hard to do, when she watched her daughter get lost in her thoughts, but she bit her tongue. 

 

They were walking arm in arm down the street, looking at the strip of stores when Lexa looked over at her.

 

“I’m fine. A bit full from dinner.” Indra wanted to chuckle, with how oblivious her daughter could be sometimes. 

 

“I meant, how are you?” Indra asked again. Lexa sighed and stopped walking. “I’m not down here everyday and I want to know how you are doing truly.” 

 

“Mom, I’m fine.” Lexa chuckled out. “Can’t we enjoy our walk?” 

 

Indra didn’t say anything as she guided them over to a bench to sit down. It was dark outside, but the street light provided them with a scorch of light. 

 

“If I could somehow take your pain away,” Indra turned to look at her daughter, a frown on her face. “I wouldn’t. It kills me to say, but I want you to experience that heart break because that’s inevitable.”

 

“Gee, thanks mom.” Lexa rolled her eyes and Indra gently grabbed her daughter’s face to look at her. 

 

“You need to talk to someone, Lexa. You won’t talk to me or Anya. I don’t know what else to do. I think you should see someone about–“

 

“You mean, like a _therapist_?” Lexa grimaced and Indra nodded slowly. 

 

“I’ve already looked around at a couple of them and I found someone that I think would really help you. She’s just up the street, her office is not far from your campus at all. I think you should see her. Here’s her card.” Indra tried giving the card to Lexa, but she shoved it away.

 

“I don’t need a therapist, mom.”

 

“The first step is always denial.” Indra reminded her and Lexa hung her head in annoyance. 

 

“Mom!” 

 

“Okay, okay. I didn’t come down here to lecture you, but I hate seeing you so sad. Talking to someone you don’t know could help. But we all know how stubborn you are.” 

 

“That’s not what I need right now.”

 

“Then what do you need, sweetie?” Indra asked desperately. “What can I do to make it better?”

 

“There’s nothing you can do.” 

 

“You could go to a ten minute session, just tell her everything you are feeling. It’s not healthy to live like this, Lexa.” 

 

“Mom, I already told you I’m fine!” 

 

“No you’re not! You don’t smile the way you used to. You don’t sing under your breath anymore. Your shoulders are so tense, Lexa. You are twenty–one years old. There is no reason why you should be so tense.” 

 

Lexa didn’t respond, defeated. 

 

“A mother spends almost her whole lifetime, trying to shelter their kid from heartbreak, no matter how old they are. It’s never easy as a parent to watch your kid struggle, but I’m glad that you are experiencing what it’s like to be without Clarke.” 

 

Lexa drew in a sharp breath, getting ready to respond. 

 

“ _Because_ ,” Indra emphasized. “I wanted you to experience what it was like to be without her, so you can know what joy it brings you to be with her. Whether you see a therapist or not, there’s something wrong with you. No one wants to admit it, but you are still grieving over your relationship and there is nothing wrong with that, honey, but I won’t sit and watch you completely fall apart.” 

 

Indra stopped talking abruptly. Her daughter wasn’t looking at her, but she knew she heard everything she had said. Indra waited another couple minutes, letting Lexa process everything before she proceeded to talk. 

 

“We spend so much time spending our lives on repeat. Going to class or going to work and we don’t find any time to just live in the moment. There is nothing wrong with you being happy again Lexa, even if it’s without her.” 

 

It broke Indra’s heart as she reached out and wiped a tear from underneath her daughter’s eyes.

 

“I never thought I would be happy again after your father left so long ago, but, I’ve been seeing someone Lexa.” 

 

Lexa gawked at her mother, before frowning.

 

“Please tell me it’s not Abby.” Lexa said quietly.

 

Indra let out a laugh. “Heavens, no!” Indra laughed some more. “His name is Steve.”

 

“Steve?” Lexa pronounced slowly. “I already don’t like him.”

 

“Lexa!” Indra chastised. “He’s a really nice guy and we’ve been out of a couple dates already. The point I’m trying to make is that you are allowed to get back out there and see other people. Talk to someone. Live your life and get the help you need.”

 

“Thanks for that mom, but I don’t need any help.”

 

Indra wanted to groan with how stubborn her daughter was. She shoved the therapist’s card in her jacket and they both stood up and walked back toward campus.

 

“Steve? _Steve_?” Lexa kept repeating his name, wondering who the hell this dude was that was seeing her mother. 

 

“What does Steve do? What’s he like?”

 

Indra took a deep breath, her cheeks coloring red as she explained how she met Steve. 

 

* * *

 

 

**June 16th, 2019**

 

_“So… does Lexa know any of this?”_

 

_Clarke waited a moment. The guilt eating away at her. Telling Lexa was the first thing she had planned on doing, but then she got that text and it changed her mind._

_“I never told Lexa any of this. I didn’t want to involve her because this wasn’t her battle to fight. There was no telling what Cage was capable of, and I didn’t want her to know about the scholarship.”_

 

_“Why not?”_

 

_“I loved Lexa, but she could be so irrational sometimes. If I told her what was going on, she would’ve tried to do something about it. Cage is a very powerful man, and I didn’t want her to get hurt.”_

 

_“So, you never told her any of this?”_

 

_“I hate myself for it. I truly do. But she sent me a text that night she went off to college basically saying we were over. We were going through so much stuff before she left and I thought telling her what happened was pointless, because she was so quick to give up on us, but of course, it’s my fault because I voiced what she was too scared to say.”_

 

_“I’m sorry.”_

 

_“Can we just… eat pizza and forget I told you about any of this?”_

 

_“Sure. Of course.”_

 

_“Thank you, and thank you for listening.”_

 

_“Of course, Clarke. Anytime.”_

 

* * *

 

 

“ _Clarke_ , why didn’t you tell me any of this?” Raven asked, slightly outraged that her best friend had kept this from her for so long. 

 

They were on their second glass of wine and Clarke shrugged pathetically. 

 

“I was scared.” Clarke admitted in a small voice. “I didn’t care about agreeing to sell my company because that wasn’t going to ever happen. I was worried about Lexa and I spent that year building a case against him and it worked. I nearly destroyed myself to make sure he didn’t go anywhere near Lexa.”   

 

“What you did,” Raven spoke up, scooting closer to Clarke to lay a hand on her thigh. “Was really brave and again, I wish I would’ve known sooner. It all makes more sense now. You were really angry that year, I thought it was just because of the break up. I didn’t know it was because you were planning world domination.”

 

It made Clarke laugh, and Raven patted herself on the back. Clarke had been through a lot these past couple years and while she wasn’t okay, Raven was proud of her. 

 

“That whole year, I was so focused on protecting her that I lost her in the process. Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it…” 

 

“Clarke, you did what you had to. And it served him right. He should’ve known you would lay down your body and die before he even went near Lexa. Speaking of her…”

 

“No.” 

 

“Clarke!”

 

“No.” Clarke repeated, firmer this time. 

 

“You’re just never going to tell her any of this?” 

 

“I was planning on it, but then I remembered how she wanted to end our relationship because I never showed up to see her off, but I was a bit occupied.” 

 

“Clarke, she has every right to know.” Raven pointed out, but Clarke clenched her jaw. 

 

“Does she?” Clarke countered. “Because I don’t think me telling her what really happened would change a fucking thing. We would still be broken up. We would still be distant with each other, that was how it was before and she didn’t even know the truth.”

 

“Clarke, she deserves to know…”

 

“I fucking proposed to her and she just…”

 

Clarke didn’t say anything else as she poured herself another glass of wine. 

 

“I just…” Clarke choked on her tears. “I wanted… and she just... and now I have Finn and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to stop this.”

 

“Just talk to her, Clarke.”

 

“No.” Clarke said seriously, before she got up and went to lock herself in her room and away from the rest of the world, wondering just how much longer she could keep living like this.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! My laptop broke down on me and then all the Coronavirus madness started happening. I hope all of you are staying safe!
> 
> On the bright side, here is another chapter! I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Tumblr: rebelguitargirl

 

* * *

 

“Wow babe, this place looks amazing.” Anya said as she walked through the venue. She was impressed as she saw a dozens of tables across the floor and an ice sculpture of Ariana Grande in the center. 

“I know right,” Raven pulled Anya in for a kiss. “I can’t wait for tonight. This event is going to be amazing.” 

“It’s pretty cool of you guys to do a charity event in Durham. It’s quite sweet.”

“Not as sweet as you.” Raven giggled. 

Clarke hadn’t arrived yet. She was still making some last minute touches to one of Ariana Grande’s outfits. This fashion charity event was a huge step in Clarke’s career. She was already getting an increasing amount of publicity for being Ariana’s fashion designer. Doing events like this, could really boost Clarke in the fashion industry. 

Raven couldn’t have been more proud of her. She remembered how Clarke would talk about making it big one day back in college. She remembered how they would laugh and joke about how she would become a fashion designer for a celebrity one day, and now it was finally happening.

“You know, we could disappear for a few minutes. Clarke isn’t even here yet.” Anya placed her hand rather low on her girlfriend’s back, her lips tickling her ear.

It was the first time they were really alone all morning. Raven had gotten here super early, supervising almost everything while Clarke made her finishing touches for the event tonight.

Anya was only going to see her girlfriend for a couple more days before she had to go back to school. Raven was going to stay in town with Clarke for a week or so, but Anya was going to be extremely busy with her coursework. 

It wasn’t the best timing, but Anya wanted a moment alone with her girlfriend. 

“As tempting as that sounds, Romeo. The catering company is going to be here any minute and I’m under strict instructions to supervise them. You don’t want to mess with Hannah. She scares the crap out of me.” 

“How much longer do you think they’ll be?” Anya asked curiously, her hand never moving from Raven’s back.

“I say another fifteen minutes.” Raven said seriously and Anya chuckled at her.

“Baby, that is more than enough time. Let’s go.” Anya said as she lead them in the direction of the bathrooms. 

* * *

 

**July 19th 2019**

_ Lexa had just arrived back in Maryland for summer break. Being back home with her mother had been a blessing, because Lexa wasn’t sure what she would’ve done not having her mom around for much longer.  _

_ Indra knew something was wrong, but Lexa wasn’t ready to talk about it yet.  _

_ Lexa had tried to contact Clarke so much it was to the point that she was surprised that Clarke hadn’t picked up just to tell her to stop calling.  _

_ Lexa didn’t believe in her heart that they were over, and she just needed to understand why Clarke was acting the way she was. She knew a lot of things between them weren’t good, but she didn’t think Clarke was going to break up with her.  _

_ It was the last thing that Lexa wanted. She honestly saw herself being with Clarke for a very long time.  _

_ But was she wrong? _

_ To act the way she did when Clarke was getting ready to propose to her.  _

_ Just thinking about it, made Lexa hyperventilate.  _

_ She couldn’t believe it had been a month and Clarke hadn’t even tried to get in touch with her.  _

_ But there was a part of her that didn’t even want to talk to Clarke.  _

_ It didn’t stop her from going to see her though.  _

_ She wasn’t certain about what she was going to say and she knew it was a terrible idea, but she couldn’t help herself.   _

_ That didn’t stop her from knocking on her door though.  _

_ She waited a couple seconds, ready to bolt down the hall and leave any minute now.  _

_ This was so stupid.  _

_ Was she really going to be that girl who pined after the woman who broke up with her? What do you say to someone that you hate and love at the same time? _

_ Lexa shook her head.  _

_ This was stupid.  _

_ She turned around, fully preparing to leave when the door opened.  _

_ Lexa turned back around, shocked to find Harper standing in the doorway. _

_ “What do you want?” Harper asked, her arms slowly crossing over her chest.  _

_ Lexa swallowed roughly, before opening her mouth.  _

* * *

 

The music was pouring out softly through the speakers as Lexa picked up her drink, downing it in seconds before signaling for a new one. 

There weren't that many people here as it was the middle of the day. Anya had texted her earlier telling her that she would be down in Chapel Hill for the weekend. There was an event that Clarke was hosting. 

It scared Lexa that Clarke was so close to her again. She could’ve gone to the event, but she couldn’t stand being near Clarke right now. Her heart pounded just thinking about it. 

Lexa was getting ready to pick up her third glass of tequila before a hand was placed over hers. 

“I thought I might find you here.”

Lexa looked up at her pathetically, before taking a sip of her drink. 

“This is the cheapest bar near campus.” Morgan explained as she sat down. “Also the furthest away, and it’s raining.” 

Morgan complained about how Lexa  made her walk over twenty minutes in the pouring rain as she sat down. Morgan’s hair was soaked, and her navy blue shirt had wet patches on them. 

“You didn’t have to come all the way over here. I’m fine.” Lexa’s vision was starting to get a little blurry. She never drank like this in the middle of the day and her head was starting to spin.

“You look terrible. I’m not going anywhere.” 

Lexa had finished her third drink, and while her body was screaming at her to stop, her hand still motioned the bartender for another one.

“Okay, I think that’s enough.” Morgan said seriously as she snatched the drink out of Lexa’s hand and put it on the counter behind her.

“Morgan!” Lexa tried to sound firm, but it came out as a whine. 

“I’m worried about you.” Morgan ran her hand up and down Lexa’s back, making Lexa huff.

“I’m fine. I’ll be okay by five.”

Lexa tried to block out the details of Clarke’s event that was happening at five o’clock. It was hard to do when Anya had spent most of the morning babbling away about it. Lexa knew going would be a terrible decision, but the more drinks she had in her system, the more she wanted to go. 

“Five? What’s happening at five?” Morgan asked curiously, but Lexa’s expression went dark. She didn’t want to talk about it. Not yet. 

The way Lexa went silent, and her eyes glossed over made Morgan sighed.

“Is this about the championship? Because no one is blaming you.” 

“I’m the captain of the team. Of course people are blaming me.” Lexa growled, putting her head on the counter.

“Since I transferred, I’ve noticed some things,” Morgan explained vaguely. Lexa’s head was still against the counter, but Morgan knew she was listening. “I’ve noticed how tense you were when I first met you. You had a wall built so high that I knew you weren’t going to welcome me in. And when you barely spoke to me my first couple weeks on the team, I took it the wrong way and I became defensive.”

“And then you formed your stupid little possè and made my life hell.” Lexa finished for her, finally lifting her head, a little tiny mark forming against her forehead. 

 

“You weren’t exactly welcoming Lexa. I took it the wrong way.” 

 

Lexa squinted her eyes up at Morgan. She didn’t want to talk about this. Not ever. 

 

Clearly, her mouth didn’t catch on to that.

 

“You wanna know why I was so cold to you in the beginning?” 

 

“I’m not sure I do.” Morgan responded earnestly. Lexa had been drinking, and she wasn’t sure what was going to come out of her mouth.

 

“The first thing I noticed about you was your blonde hair. How your roots were brunette, but your hair was blonde, like you dyed it.” 

 

“What does my hair have to do with anything?” Morgan asked. She wasn’t upset, but she was confused. It was hard trying to decipher what Lexa was saying because she was under the influence.

 

“She has blonde hair.” Lexa said bitterly, as if it was obvious. “And I did have my walls up and when I saw you, it was like you punched me right in the gut.” 

 

“I love having that effect on women.” Morgan cracked a joke and Lexa huffed.

 

“It was hard seeing you because you reminded me of her. It was bad enough to begin with and then you show up and I couldn’t get away from you because we were on the same team. So I’ll admit I was a little distant at first, but you took it too far.”

 

“How was I supposed to know I reminded you of your ex–girlfriend? Especially when you didn’t say more than two words to me. Lexa, you can be so challenging sometimes.”

 

“I’m sorry about that. Why don’t you just leave like everyone else in my life and forget I exist?” Lexa said seriously, trying to reach for the drink.

 

“Lexa, wait.” Morgan spoke, moving the drink further out of Lexa’s arm length. “Just let me take you back to campus.”

 

“No.” Lexa grunted. “I’ll call an Uber or something, but I’m not going back right now.”

 

“I don’t want to leave you here by yourself.”   
  


 

“I’m not here by myself. There is a bartender and that creepy old guy over there.” Lexa pointed over her shoulder. “Leave–”

 

“Lexa, I’m not leaving.”

 

“I don’t want you here! So leave!” Lexa said more forcily, catching the attention of the bartender.

 

“Don’t be like this, just let me take you back to campus.”

 

“I told you I’m not going back. I have somewhere to be this evening. I’ll chill out here until it’s time. You don’t need to look after me. I’m fine.”

 

Morgan knew Lexa was lying. There was nothing fine about a girl who was getting drunk in the middle of the day. There was nothing fine about a girl who couldn’t admit that she wasn’t okay.

 

But Morgan knew how hard–headed Lexa was. She knew she wasn’t going to win. 

 

She hated every second that she walked toward the door. Lexa didn’t even look back once to watch her leave. Morgan sighed and made a gesture to the bartender, who nodded slightly. 

 

Morgan left, with a terrible feeling in her stomach. 

 

* * *

 

 

**July 19th 2019**

 

_ “What are you doing here?” Harper asked again, her eyes narrowing when Lexa didn’t answer her question.  _

 

_ “I just… I just wanted to see…” _

 

_ “You wanted to see Clarke?” Harper finished her sentence, stepping out in the hallway and closing the door behind her.  _

 

_ “I just…” _

 

_ “Lexa, you need to leave. Clarke doesn’t want to see you.” Harper frowned.  _

 

_ They had never really talked before. Any time they were together in the same room, Clarke was always there with them. She knew Harper wasn’t fond of her. Lexa wasn’t sure how this conversation was going to end. _

 

_ But she hoped it was soon, because she wanted to see Clarke. _

 

_ “Lexa, it’s over. Just go home.”  _

 

_ But Lexa wasn’t one to back down. She always liked to be in control of things. She considered Harper’s words, the best thing to do right now would be to leave. But Lexa’s mouth always had a mind of its own. _

 

_ “I bet you put her up to this.” Lexa grumbled. “You never liked me.” _

 

_ “Of course I like you, Lexa,” Harper said in a sweet tone that Lexa was having a hard time figuring out if it was real. “I just don’t think you’re what Clarke needs right now.” _

 

_ Lexa put her hands on her hips, narrowing her eyes at Harper. She was getting ready to tell her how wrong she was, when she spoke up again. _

 

_ “I didn’t even know Clarke was going to do that. She didn’t say anything to me about it, but she made the right choice. This has gone on for long enough and I knew it wasn’t going to end well.” _

 

_ “You were just waiting for us to break up, weren’t you?”  _

 

_ “Lexa, you two come from very different worlds. She is much older than you. You can find someone your own age.” _

 

_ “Harper–“ _

 

_ “Lexa, you need to leave and never come back. Forget about her. Don’t come back to her apartment. Just leave her alone.” _

 

_ “You can’t tell me what to do.” _

 

_ “Yes I can, because I’m Clarke’s assistant and she’ll get over it. She got over Niylah, she’ll get over you and find someone she can actually take to her fashion events. Now leave.”  _

 

_ Harper opened the door to Clarke’s apartment. There was a brief moment where Lexa thought about pushing Harper out of the way, and going to find Clarke. To just see her for one last time or hold her for another minute. Lexa knew this was idiotic, and opened her mouth to speak. _

 

_ “I don’t want to hear it Lexa. She’s done with you. You aren’t making this any easier for me. Leave.”  _

 

_ “Harper, just–“ _

 

_ But Harper slammed the door in her face, her heart pounding in her chest as Lexa’s heart shattered on the other side.  _

 

* * *

 

 

The Charity event was going to start any moment now. Raven was proving to be the best left–hand woman anyone could ask for as she was running around making sure everything was perfect. Anya was sitting at a table with Abby and Indra, watching her girlfriend in action. She took a sip of her champagne, listening to Abby express how proud she was of her daughter. 

 

Anya had to admit she was proud as well. She knew that Clarke participated in multiple fashion events, but to be a part of a charity event hosted by Ariana Grande was huge for her. Phenomenal even. Anya sat back, taking in every second of the event. 

 

There were loads of people here. Some were rich. Some not so much like her, but Anya was glad to be apart of this. Anya was so proud of both Clarke and Raven. 

 

Anya was hoping everything would run smoothly. She hoped that Clarke could have her moment and have Ariana model the designs that she worked so hard on and raise some money while doing it. It was a perfect idea and Anya was hoping that everything went well for her girlfriend as well. 

 

Raven was currently over in the corner, encouraging the band that they hired to play loudly when  Clarke and Ariana get introduced. 

 

Anya was so caught up in taking all of this in, that she failed to notice her best friend slip through the back doors. 

 

Anya could tell by the way the band was playing louder that the event was getting ready to start. The crowd was hyped and Anya turned around, startled, when she heard something knock against the ground. 

 

It was a lavender vase, that Raven had the flower company strategically place in the center of one of the tables in the back. Anya closed her eyes, saying a silent prayer, because when she locked eyes with Lexa, she knew this wasn’t going to end well. 

 

“Indra, is that Lexa?” Abby asked quickly, pointing to the girl who was currently trying to pick the vase back up, but was failing miserably. 

 

Anya was out of her chair in a matter of seconds. 

 

Raven was still up front, and when Anya watched her slip behind the curtains, she cursed under her breath. She was going to have to deal with this by herself. 

 

“Lexa–” Anya tried to get Lexa’s attention, but she wasn’t listening to her. 

 

Lexa was looking at someone, but Anya couldn’t tell who it was among the crowd full of people. Lexa’s presence was starting to capture the attention of a couple people and Anya yanked on her arm. The way Lexa flailed toward her, made Anya’s stomach sink.

 

“Are you drunk?” Anya asked, regretting that she told Lexa about the event in the first place. 

 

“No.” Lexa breathed and Anya scrunched up her nose. 

 

“You need to leave. You need to leave before–” Anya didn’t finish her sentence, because Lexa shoved her off of her. Anya couldn’t catch her in time as Lexa made her way to the front. 

 

“Hey, you!” Lexa slurred. “Get up, we need to talk.” 

 

Finn was at a table with Clarke’s crew. He was dressed in a gray suit and knitted his eyebrows when he saw the intoxicated state that Lexa was in. 

 

“I said get up!” Lexa yelled, definitely catching the attention of the crowd. 

 

People were starting to whisper. Anya heard their hushed murmurs and yanked on Lexa’s arm again. 

 

“Lexa, let’s not do this here.”

 

“It’s okay, Anya,” Lexa stammered. “I just need to tell him something.”

 

Anya would admit that Lexa was stronger than her. She trained and practiced almost every day, even in their off season. Anya was having a hard time holding Lexa back and hoped that Raven would make an appearance soon. 

 

“Lexa, what are you doing here?” Finn said as he finally stood up, straightening his suit out and looking around nervously. 

 

“How could you?” Lexa spat. “After everything we’ve been through, this is what you go and do?!”

 

Everyone was back stage, huddled around, getting ready to be introduced. Ariana was wearing one of Clarke’s pieces, and hair and makeup were adding the finishing touches to Ariana’s makeup, when they all heard something shatter across the floor. 

 

Hannah quickly stuck her head out of the curtain, examining the scene and cursed under her breath.

 

“What the hell is going on?” Clarke frowned before she peeked through the curtain and gasped.

 

“Who in the bloody hell is that?” Hannah asked quietly, immediately looking at Clarke, like she had something to do with this. Clarke took a deep breath, still trying to process what was going on, because this most definitely involved her. 

 

Clarke couldn’t believe that Lexa was here. By the way she saw searching to find her ground, Clarke could only conclude that she was drunk or at least tipsy. 

 

That made Clarke spring into action. She ran across the stage as fast as she could, but no matter how quick she moved, she still felt like it wasn’t fast enough. 

 

“Did you fuck her?” Lexa asked but she already knew the answer. She already knew everything and the more she knew, the angrier she got. 

 

“Lexa..” Finn was still looking around nervously as Anya held back Lexa the best she could. 

 

Anya was an expert at this by now. 

 

She knew the signs that always lead to Lexa hurting someone. She saw her nostrils flare, she saw the way she bawled her fists, she saw the way Lexa clenched her jaw. 

 

Lexa was going to hit Finn, and Anya wasn’t sure she was going to be able to stop it. 

 

“Hey, I’m talking to you!” Lexa reminded her, shoving his shoulders, slightly knocking him into the table.

 

“Lexa, stop!” Anya yelled, knowing this situation was going to get out of hand. She was sure that Lexa didn’t even hear her, because Lexa was towering over Finn now. 

 

Anya already knew what was going to happen next. 

 

“Go ahead. Hit me,” Finn sneered. “Start a fight just like you do about everything in life. And yeah, I did fuck–”

 

Finn couldn’t get his sentence out before Lexa swung back and punched Finn in his nose. Lexa swung back again, preparing to connect her fists with Finn’s jaw. 

 

“Lexa, no!”

 

Clarke wasn’t in time and Lexa hit Finn again. Clarke looked over at Anya helplessly as she watched her try to fight Lexa off of Finn. 

 

Clarke could hear the faint calls for security in the background and Finn tried to shove Lexa off of him. 

 

“Lexa, stop!” 

 

When the gravelly voice registered in her mind, Lexa paused, giving Finn enough time to push Lexa off of him and stand up. 

 

“What the hell is your problem?” Finn asked, blood was dripping out of his nose and a black rim was forming around his eye. 

 

“Clarke?” Lexa asked instead, completely ignoring Finn’s question. 

 

“Lexa, you need to leave. Security will–“

 

As Clarke was talking, the security team rushed to the scene. They forcily yanked on Lexa’s arm as Clarke tried to stop them. 

 

“Hey, let her go!” Clarke defended, trying to pry Lexa out of their arms, but they were bigger than her. 

 

“Clarke, you cannot be serious,” Hannah stated as she walked calmly over to the scene. Raven rushed to Finn’s side, an ice pack in her hands. “She needs to leave now and you need to let her go.”

 

“She’s drunk.” Clarke stated dumbly. 

 

“You need to let her go.” Hannah said again, this time her tone was indicating more than what was happening right now. 

 

But when Clarke saw the security pull Lexa’s arm and she squealed in pain, Clarke pushed passed Hannah to get to her. 

 

“Clarke, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know she was going to get wasted before coming here.” Anya spoke quickly.

 

“It’s okay, Anya,” Clarke reassured her. “I’m going to try and handle this.” 

 

Clarke was quick to get to Lexa. The security guard twisted Lexa’s arm as she struggled to get away from him and she hissed in pain. Clarke grabbed a hold of Lexa’s arm as the security guard tried to drag her away. 

 

“Hey!” 

 

“Clarke, help it hurts!” Lexa was still fighting against the security guard and Clarke felt helpless in the situation. 

 

Hannah gave her a look before signaling the security guard again, but Clarke shook her head. “Get off of her!”

 

“Adam, get her drunk ass out of here now!” Hannah demanded. 

 

“Clarke!” Lexa pleaded but it was a lost cause. The security guard and Hannah didn’t want any more attention drawn to them, but by the way Adam was dragging Lexa out, all eyes were on them. Clarke ducked her head in shame. 

 

“It’s okay, Lexa,” Clarke nodded, letting go of her. “Just don’t fight it!”

 

_ “Clarke!”  _ Lexa said in disbelief, struggling against the security guard. This was the reason why Clarke wanted to handle it herself. She was positive Lexa would fight against her, but at least she wouldn't have hurt her. It looked painful as Lexa got escorted out, Indra right on their tails.

 

“It’s okay, Indra will handle it.” Raven said from where she was with Finn, holding the ice pack to his eye as he tried to wipe the blood away from his nose.

 

“I’m so sorry.” Clarke cried, rushing over to him. 

 

“We all need to get backstage now.” Hannah said as she ushered them away. She handed the ice pack Raven had to Clarke.

 

“You, stall the crowd.” Hannah said to Raven. Raven gawked at her before she straightened up.

 

“I’ve always wanted to try stand-up comedy. Come on babe!” Raven said happily as she tugged on Anya’s hand as they walked up the stage. 

 

Anya was eyeing the back door the entire time. Hoping, praying that Lexa was going to be okay. Anya hung her head because she already knew the answer. 

 

She wasn’t. 

 

* * *

 

 

“Do you have any idea how much damage this could do to our image?!” Hannah turned on Clarke the second that they were behind closed doors. 

 

Finn was in the corner nursing his swollen eye, while Ariana watched Clarke with curious eyes. 

 

“I didn’t know she was…”

 

“Of course you didn’t. This was the exact reason why I didn’t want you working with us. You have that child looming around you wherever you go!”

 

“She is not a child!” 

 

“I want you off the team!”

 

“What?!” Clarke shrieked. 

 

“Hannah!” Ariana stepped in. “Just… just let me talk to Clarke alone.”

 

“Absolutely not. We don’t even have time for that.”

 

“Give me ten minutes.” Ariana said firmly. “Everyone out, including you Finn. I’m sorry.” 

 

“If you want to fire me…” Clakre trailed off as everyone left. She hated how that sounded. She hated that this was where she was right now.

 

“I don’t want to fire you. Compared to my last fashion designer; you are a walk in the park. You’re just in love.”

 

“In love?” Clarke frowned. “No, I don’t… I don’t love Finn.”

 

“I’m not talking about Finn, and I know you know that.” 

 

Clarke went silent at that. She walked over to the couch, grabbing a water bottle before looking at Ariana, wondering what she was going to say next. 

 

“I’ve been looking for love my whole life,” Ariana sat down on the couch next to her. “I’ve broken up with people, they’ve broken up with me. Hell, I’ve been hurt, lied to and cheated on and then I found someone. Someone who I loved so much and he passed away. And some days I wake up and I still don’t know how to cope with the fact that he’s gone.”

 

Ariana took a deep breath, closed her eyes before looking over Clarke.

 

“You are a very talented woman. Very put together, but when it comes to her– when it comes to Lexa, I just see you completely fall apart.”

 

Clarke stayed quiet, knowing that what most of Ariana was saying was true. She hated and loved it all the same. 

 

“Despite all the crazy shit that happened when Malcolm was alive, if I had just one more minute, just one more second with him, I would tell him how much I appreciated him. How much I loved him, despite all the bad stuff.” 

 

“I’m really sorry for your loss.” Clarke said seriously. It was never easy losing someone. Never. 

 

“Thank you, and it really haunts you. It makes you think about the what if’s. What would’ve happened had you really said what you wanted to say. I don’t know much about Lexa, and I won’t judge her from what just happened. If you’re in love with her–“

 

“I’m not.” Clarke cut her off. Ariana smiled at her, before patting her thigh and standing up.

 

“Oh yes you are.” Ariana smiled again. “It’s quite hideous to watch right now, but being in love with someone is so beautiful and pure.” 

 

“I just don’t… I mean, I can’t talk to her. I wouldn’t know what to say. I mean, she hates me so I should just leave it alone.” Clarke said as she stood up as well. 

 

“Look, all I’m saying is that, if someone I love turned up drunk at an event that meant a lot to me, I wouldn’t look the other way. Lexa still loves you, Clarke.”

 

“How do you know?”

 

“I don’t,” Ariana shrugged. “I’m not believing in the whole soulmate thing right now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t root for other people. And maybe the past was a little fishy, but you guys are both adults and you need to figure this out. The longer you avoid it, the more pain you are causing both of you.” 

 

“I just don’t think it would matter. Too many bad things have happened to us. It would be pointless.” Clarke said sadly.

 

“Fighting for the person you are in love with isn’t easy, Clarke. It’s not a walk in the park. If you really want her, if you really love her, fight for her. Fuck what everyone else thinks.”

 

They didn’t have much time to talk about anything else. They both knew Hannah was on the other side of the door, listening to every word they were saying.

 

Clarke sighed heavily. It was going to be a long night. 

 

* * *

 

 

**July 19th 2019**

 

_ “Was that Lexa?” Clarke asked groggily as she came out of her bedroom, looking at Harper with wide eyes. “Where did she go?” _

 

_ “I sent her away, Clarke.” Harper said firmly. _

 

_ “Well, why would you do that?” Clarke asked, her voice rising. “Why was she here? What did she want?”  _

 

_ “You cannot be serious.” Harper said with a frown. “What would’ve happened if I wasn’t here, Clarke?”  _

 

_ Harper walked closer to Clarke. _

 

_ “Would you guys have hooked up? Would you try to forget everything that happened and get back together with her? What would’ve happened, Clarke?”  _

 

_ Clarke hated the negative tone Harper had. She hated how accusatory she sounded. Clarke was at a loss for words, but she huffed at Harper. _

 

_ “Oh please, you’ve been against my relationship with her since the beginning.” _

 

_ “Because I called it Clarke!” Harper yelled. They always seemed to fight about this these days even though Clarke wasn’t with Lexa right now. “Look at you! You’re fucking pathetic!”  _

 

_ “Fuck you, Harper!” Clarke pointed a finger at her, hurt at the thought that her assistant, her best friend, couldn’t understand how much she loved Lexa. “You’re supposed to be more than just my assistant, you’re supposed to be my friend and friends don’t–“ _

 

_ “I told you from the beginning that this wasn’t going to turn out well. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I was trying to get you to see that it wasn’t going to work, and guess what, Clarke? It didn’t!” Harper said angrily, her chest heaving up and down.  _

 

_ Clarke walked over to her cabinet, opening up a bottle of red wine before sitting on top of her counter. She stared down Harper until the shorter girl puff out a breath. _

 

_ “The stare down, Clarke? Really?” Harper asked as she crossed her arms over her chest. _

 

_ “You’ve been against it from the beginning,” Clarke spoke lowly, her eyes darkening. “You couldn’t support something as simple as me being happy. You hated the idea of me being with her, no matter how free she made me feel. She made me feel so…”  _

 

_ Clarke trailed off, losing her thought.  _

 

_ “It doesn’t matter now. You got your wish.” _

 

_ “I hope it was worth it. I hope all of this was worth it, Clarke.”  _

 

_ “Don’t threaten me, Harper. Remember what happened to the last person that did?”  _

 

_ “I’m sorry that you guys aren’t together anymore.” _

 

_ “No you aren’t.” Clarke said bitterly as she sipped her wine. “You never will be.”  _

 

_ Harper paused, before she nodded her head. _

 

_ “You’re right. I’m not sorry.” Harper said smugly. “I can’t support your relationship with her. It was ruining our image. Does she even know?” _

 

_ “No,” Clarke said seriously. “And she never will because it’s over.” _

 

_ Clarke didn’t think Harper would ever understand how hard it was for her to do what she did in the first place. She didn’t want to do it. She didn’t think it would ever come down to it, but Cage was money–hungry, and egotistical. He was capable of anything, and messing with Lexa wasn’t going to be one of those things. _

 

_ Harper would never understand just how much pain this caused her.  _

 

_ Harper would never get it.  _

 

_ “Look, it’s over now. So why don’t we just–“ _

 

_ “No.” Clarke said. _

 

_ Harper raised her eyebrows. _

 

_ “Excuse me?”  _

 

_ “You heard me.” Clarke said as she put down her glass of wine, and hopped off the counter. _

 

_ “Clarke, don’t be ridiculous. We need to talk about the photo shoot–“ _

 

_ “No.” Clarke cut her off again, a dangerous look in her eyes. “We don’t have to discuss anything.” _

 

_ “God, does this make you feel powerful, Clarke?” Harper squinted her eyes. “Do you want me to cower in my shoes right now?” _

 

_ Clarke knew Harper was poking her with a very sharp stick right now. She knew Harper wasn’t scared of her, but maybe what she was going to say next, would make her cower in her shoes a bit. _

 

_ “I want you off the team.” Clarke said as if they were actually talking about the photo shoot.  _

 

_ “Clarke…” Harper breathed, but she didn’t look scared. She didn’t look nervous. She was waiting. Waiting for Clarke to come to her senses. “Is this what we’re going to do?” _

 

_ “Yeah, Harper,” Clarke said. “Because you never wanted this to happen in the first place. I can’t have you on my team. I can’t stand looking at you right now.” _

 

_ “Then take the weekend to–“ _

 

_ “I’m not taking the weekend to do anything, Harper. You were supposed to be my best friend, and you let me down. I wanted you to be okay with this. I wanted you to tell me that everything was going to be okay. I wanted you to like her just as much as I did, but you never could, and there’s no going forward. There’s no forgetting about this. I was in love with her, and you couldn’t stand it. I want you off the team.” _

 

_ “Because of a fuckin’ teenager?!” Harper yelled. “You’re doing all of this for some girl you aren’t even with?” _

 

_ “She’s not just some girl, Harper!” Clarke raised her voice. “That’s the fuckin’ point. You’ll never get it. I don’t want you on the team.” _

 

_ “You can’t do this.” Harper said, shaking her head vigorously. _

 

_ “I can do whatever I want!” Clarke smiled.  _

 

_ “You are a fucking bitch, Clarke. I was going to give you the weekend to think about it, but if you want to let this come in between ten years of friendship, then whatever!”  _

 

_ Harper stomped around her apartment, gathering her stuff.  _

 

_ Clarke’s heart was racing. She didn’t know if she was making the right choice, but looking at Harper, someone who was supposed to support her through whatever, pained Clarke. There was no coming back from this. _

 

_ “I hope it was worth it!” Harper repeated her words angrily, tears streaming down her face. “All this for that stupid girl who you aren’t even with! You’ll realize your mistakes and when you do, I’m not going to be there! I’m done digging you out of situations! Have fun trying to find someone else that will.” _

 

_ Clarke’s heart was so broken that she couldn’t even be affected by Harper’s words right now. They were both hurt right now and Clarke wordlessly walked over to her front door and opened it. Harper got the hint, purposely knocking some magazines off her coffee table, before walking out the door, not bothering to say another word to Clarke. _

 

_ Clarke didn’t say anything as she slammed the door the second Harper walked out, and slid down it, tears flowing out of her eyes. _

 

_ It turned out, friends could break your heart too.  _

 

* * *

 

 

“How is she?” Anya asked after Indra opened the door for her. 

 

“She’s… better,” Indra smiled thinly. Anya tried to muster up a smile, but she could see how worried Indra was about her daughter, that it made her frown. “She just woke up from her nap.” 

 

“I’m really sorry. I mentioned the event to her but she said she wasn’t going to go. I didn’t think she was going to–“

 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Indra said softly, pulling Anya in for a hug. “I actually need to run into town for a couple things, so would you mind?”

 

Indra asked as she gestured to the bedroom Lexa was currently in. 

 

“Of course.” Anya said sweetly. 

 

Indra kissed the top of her head before she gathered her things and left the hotel.

 

Anya sighed heavily as she heard groans coming from the bedroom across the hall and walked over there tentatively.

 

“You’re really stupid.” Anya said once Lexa looked over to where she was. 

 

“Look, I don’t need a lecture right now.” Lexa said as she rubbed her temples. She was slowly trying to sit up in bed. 

 

“Well, that’s good because I didn’t come here to give you one,” Anya shook the bag in her hand. “Scoot.” 

 

Lexa groaned as she moved to the middle of the bed to let Anya sit down. Anya handed her a burger in a greasy wrapper before pulling out some fries. 

 

It was quiet for a while. Lexa was still waking up from her nap, and Anya wasn’t quite sure how she should start this conversation. 

 

Lexa was always a wild card. 

 

“Your mother tells me you don’t want to go to therapy. What’s up with that?”

 

“I don’t need someone listening to my problems like I’m some nutcase.” Lexa mumbled around her burger. “I’m fine.” 

 

“Tell that to Finn.” Anya countered, shoving some fries in her mouth.

 

“How bad is it?” Lexa asked with her eyebrow raised.

 

“You fractured his nose,” Anya informed her. “And he has a black eye.” 

 

“Fuck.” Lexa said, knocking her head back against the headboard, making the headache she had a lot worse. “I don’t even remember–“

 

“Maybe the therapy thing wouldn’t be so bad.” Anya talked over her. She needed to say this and Lexa needed to hear it. 

 

“Anya–“ Lexa drew out an annoyed breath.

 

“You don’t talk to me,” Anya said quietly. “Not like you used to.” 

 

“Anya…” Lexa said more softly.

 

“I get that you want to hang out with Morgan. I can see a spark of joy in your eyes when you’re with her.”

 

“It’s not like that...” Lexa shook her head.

 

“Lexa, seeing a therapist isn’t a horrible idea. It doesn’t mean you are broken or damaged. It just means that you need to talk to someone who can give you professional advice. You don’t talk to me like you used to. Whenever I bring up any sort of feelings, you shut down completely. I don’t think your break up with Clarke is the only thing that has you so… angry. There’s something wrong with you. Your mother won’t say it to your face because she loves you more than anything, but you need help.” 

 

Anya took Lexa’s greasy hands into hers.

 

“Because I’m scared.” Anya said as she rested her cheek against their hands.

 

“Anya…”

 

“I’m scared that you’ll be like this for the rest of your life. You can’t keep turning to basketball to solve your problems. You can’t keep hitting people to solve your problems. You can’t keep drinking or running away either. It’s not working anymore.”

 

Anya tucked a few pieces of hair behind Lexa’s ear. This was probably the most affectionate Lexa allowed Anya to be toward her, making Anya smile a bit.

 

“I don’t know how to stop it.” Lexa said, getting choked up.

 

“Going to therapy could help. It won’t solve all your problems, but one therapy session won’t hurt, will it?” 

 

“I suppose not.” Lexa said, tears streaming down her face.

 

“There’s something you aren’t letting go of Lexa and you’re not hiding it very well. There’s something going on with you and it would mean a lot if you would go to at least one therapy session.”

 

Lexa continued to eat, not trusting her voice. She knew if she talked right now, she would cry. So, she took her time and swallowed down the burger before crunching up the wrapper.

 

Lexa waited until she was okay enough to speak. She waited until Anya had finished her bag of fries. There was a giant lump in her throat. She wasn’t sure if it was because she was on the verge of crying or because she was admitting that she wasn’t okay. 

 

The lump wasn’t going away, and Lexa sucked in a breath before she spoke up. 

 

“Fine.” Lexa agreed after a couple minutes. Anya had to mask her excitement because she didn’t want Lexa to change her mind, but she was screaming on the inside. This was a huge step for Lexa. 

 

Her best friend was hurting and she was running out of options to try and help her.

 

They spent the rest of the night, eating their greasy food and clinging toward each other. 

 

* * *

 

 

When Clarke got back to her hotel room, Finn was in the bedroom, searching through one of her bags. Clarke was dreading seeing him. He left before the event could even happen. Clarke and Ariana acted like nothing happened, and if anyone questioned it, they refused to talk about it.

 

Honestly, Clarke was just exhausted, but she needed to make sure that Finn was okay.

 

“Finn?” Clarke called out.

 

There was no response. Clarke frowned as she walked further down the hall and into the bedroom. She gasped when she saw Finn standing over her suitcase and at what Finn was holding.

 

“Why do you have this?” Finn asked in confusion. 

 

Clarke tried to stall. She tried to catch her breath. He wasn’t supposed to see that. He wasn’t supposed to know. He was  _ never _ supposed to know. 

 

And now he did.

 

“How is your nose and your eye?” Clarke had been pretending that everything was okay all evening, a couple more minutes wouldn’t hurt.

 

“I was trying to find your first aid kit, I know you keep in your suitcase,” Finn turned around slowly, motioning to Clarke’s burgundy suitcase sitting in the middle of the bed. “But I found this instead.”

 

“Finn…” Clarke said hesitantly. She was trying to think of an excuse. Of anything to explain the situation.

 

“Do you just carry this around everywhere you go?” 

 

Clarke was annoyed. This day didn’t go the way she wanted it. Hannah was breathing down her throat, and Ariana was trying to stop this from getting into the paparazzi’s hand. Most importantly, Clarke was  _ exhausted _ and she didn’t want to do this right now. 

 

“Finn, just give it back to me and we can act like this never happened.” Clarke said calmly.

 

“Like we can act like your psychotic ex–girlfriend didn’t come in and ruin an event that meant a lot to you. You don’t even seem mad about it.” 

 

“Of course I’m mad.” Clarke said. “I’m fucking pissed.” 

 

But not at Lexa. Never at Lexa.

 

“Then why are you so calm?” Finn asked outraged, throwing the item in her face. “Why are you carrying this around with you? And why don’t you seem mad at Lexa?”

 

“Because what good is that going to do? I don’t talk to her and this will never happen again.”

 

“How do you know?” Finn asked, with his hands on his hips. His face was throbbing, but he wanted to have this conversation with Clarke. It was long overdue. 

 

“I…” Clarke started her answer off confidently, before she sighed. “I don’t know.” 

 

“Do you still love her?” Finn asked. Clarke had to suppress the urge to roll her eyes, because she didn’t want to talk about this.

 

“I’m not going to answer that.”

 

“Because you do.” 

 

“Finn!” Clarke snapped. “If you didn’t notice, my job is on the line and I don’t want to talk about Lexa right now.”

 

“But you’ll carry her jersey around with you? Who does that?” Finn asked rhetorically. “Someone who is still in love with their psychotic ex.”

 

“Lexa is not psychotic, so stop saying that. I don’t love her. I just…” 

 

Clarke looked down to the number Twenty–Five Jersey in her hands and closed her eyes. 

 

“You have a freakin’ tattoo of her name on your chest, Clarke. I was okay with that, but this, I’m not okay with it. Why do you have it?” 

 

There was no way Clarke was getting out of this. She couldn’t smile and nod like this wasn’t happening, like she had done so many times today. Finn was standing in front of her, and she wasn’t sure what to say. She looked down at the jersey again, before biting her lip.

 

“The girl who wore this uniform everyday  _ loved _ me.” Clarke’s voice shook and Finn looked at her in disbelief. “And I fucked it all up.” 

 

“Clarke, I love you. Isn’t that enough?” Finn asked softly, walking over to her. 

 

Clarke put the jersey back under all of her clothes and closed her suitcase.

 

“It’s not enough,” Clarke said honestly, her voice shaky. “It’s not.”

 

“Clarke…” 

 

And Clarke hated that she was going to do it again. She hated the devastated look on Finn’s face, but Clarke needed to be alone.

 

Not just in this moment.

 

She needed to be alone, by herself, for a while. 

 

She couldn’t do this anymore.

 

“Finn, you should go.” Clarke said. “Go back to Maryland and focus on your job. I just need to…”

 

“I understand.”

 

“Finn…” 

 

But Clarke didn’t say anything else, because there was nothing else to say. She had let this go on for far longer than she should have. She needed to be on her own. Not focusing on a nonexistent relationship.

 

She  _ hated _ it.

 

But she already felt free.

 

“Goodbye, Clarke.” 

 

Finn kissed her on the forehead before he left. Clarke wanted to reach out for him, tell him that she was being stupid, but knew it would just be another lie.

 

This was what she needed. She needed independence and she needed to start trusting herself again.

 

There were so many things that were unspoken between them, but Clarke wasn’t going to voice them right now. She knew them and so did Finn.

 

That was enough for now.

 

So, Clarke didn’t cry as she watched Finn gather his stuff. She didn’t cry  as he waved goodbye to her. Nor did she cry when Finn told her she deserved all the happiness in the world.

 

All Clarke could do was stand there and wave.

 

“Goodbye, Finn.”


End file.
